I'm too good for them....

I actually feel nauseous right now out of disgust for some other people. I went through social media looking at one of the last people my ex dated before me (not really an ex, just a guy I had a thing with for awhile). I'm so disgusted. Not only is she old, fat, and hideous, she acts like racist low class trash, has a ton of kids, some of her own, some she raised of someone else's, all she does is post about what a "great mom" she is, while posting pictures of her preteen daughters half naked and posing like sluts, publicly on social media, for any pedophile to see, and stalks my ex on his social media, liking and commenting on everything and acting like she owns him, and for some reason I guess he used to date her????

I feel nauseous. She is so disgusting. Am I that ugly and I don't realize it? We dated the same guy, so are we in the same league???? She doesn't even have a college degree but posts bragging about how she's starting some lame online college. I have a BA from one of the top universities in the world, and a MS degree. I feel I'm clearly so much better. I have no kids, never been married, my body is not damaged with stretch marks or cesarean scars (no offense to anyone who has kids).

I'm just so shocked I'm crying with frustration. I feel disgusted. I feel so much better than her, and by corollary, than him, since he dated her for awhile. She's trash and ugly and acts like a freaking attention whore, who would fall for that? She acts like just because she has a brood of kids she's somehow superior to everyone and is entitled to everyone worshipping her. She acts like she owns my "ex" and pisses territorially all over his page every day.

What could he have ever see in her? Leaves me wondering about myself?? Am I worse than I think I am?? What about those of us who have actually done other stuff with our lives and our talents, besides just having a ton of kids? Anyone can have kids, we should bow down to the 99.9% of the world that has had kids???? Wtf??? I'll never understand people. I feel like I'm too good for these people........

Attraction is extremely subjective. Whatever he was attracted to in her, might not be anything that you would be attracted to in a partner.

There are also so many different things that can attract one person to another. What if the only thing you and that woman have ever had in common is something as small as the way you laugh or how you engage in physical affection (or maybe don't)?

Sometimes people also respond to the end of one relationship, by trying to find a new partner who they perceive is nothing like their ex. I think for some people this helps them move on in a way, or that they at least think it will when they try it.

I mean consider how indeed very different many aspects of your life seem to be from this woman. Her lifestyle and history seem extremely different from your own. So is it possible that your ex was actually looking for someone totally different from the last person he dated?

I mean I guess since this is the NPD forum, maybe you are feeling territorial and threatened, which might be causing you to need to tear this other woman apart and be much better than she is (I don't know if that's the case, though, only you do).

But you could even set that aside, really, while still knowing that there are other possibilities at play, such as the example of your ex trying to avoid being reminded of a previous partner at all when he seeks out a new one. So if it really bothers you, the fear that this woman is somehow a reflection of yourself, it could actually be the case that she is the polar opposite, not a reflection.

Thank you CopperMoon. That is a good point, I hadn't thought of that. I do seem to be her polar opposite in ways. I just can't stand the idea he was attracted to her. It seems to cheapen him and his feelings for me. I'm sure I sound so pathetic and shallow, but.........how could he be fooled by her? I mean, she talks herself up like she's some saint, just because she has a ton of kids, but.....if she's such a good mom, why post half naked pictures of her daughters?? And what other accomplishments has she made besides just getting pregnant a bunch of times and getting with some guy who had a bunch of kids too? I could have done that too but I chose to pursue my education and career. But I don't post all day bragging about how great I am for the choices I made. I just live my life. She's too freaking old to be acting that way and I feel like I can see right through i.

I guess to be fair...he's not dating her anymore. She seems to be pursuing him more these days. So maybe he was initially fooled by the hype, and then came to see the reality.

Anyways, you do make good points. Its a new way to think about things. I just can't help but compare myself to other girlfriends, and its a shock when I see what horrible taste they seem to have. Makes me wonder if I'm as bad as that also.

Thank you again for taking the time to read and respond.

Well I guess we really never know for sure what an ex sees in someone else.

A guy I was with for a few years, he had a sort of celebrity crush on Katy Perry. He cheated on me with a coworker of mine, and then they wound up together about a week after he and I had split up for the last time. She was very feminine in in her fashion, with dark hair, pale skin and blue eyes. So she actually kind of looked like an overweight Katy Perry in a lot of ways.

I remember thinking to myself, "Did he really cheat on me and totally destroy a three year relationship, because another woman looks kind of like Katy Perry?"

But ya know, now that it's been a long time since then and all that fuss, I realize that was a pretty silly thought all by itself. Truly he probably cheated on me and then rebounded hardcore due to all sorts of problems the two of us had in our highly dysfunctional relationship. But it was a lot easier for me then to blame it on this poor woman looking like Katy Perry haha.

I eventually realized that the truest sign of being over someone was not caring at all who they are dating now or what is going on in their life all around. Of course I didn't realize that until it actually finally happened for me.

The joys and angst of dating, heh.

Oh my, I'm sorry that happened. You sound very mature about the whole thing though. Maybe you have already processed it all and moved on.

I think you're right, once we're over someone we don't really care anymore what they're doing or who they're dating. I'm clearly not over this guy. I've been hyperfocussed on him for awhile now.

But what you said kind of struck a new realization with me. I'm focussing on her and I guess his attraction to her to distract myself from what is probably the real reason it didn't work out with me and him. Frankly, I'm probably not better than her or him and maybe that is the shock. I might be different, maybe I have strengths where she has weaknesses, but probably vice versa, she might be a nicer person. I can be pretty nasty and abusive and have a lot of other weak areas too. Hence why I'm on the psych forums. She might be immature acting and kind of average and dumb acting and not accomplished in life, besides as a breeder, but she may be very friendly and kind and easy to be around. I'm the opposite of that I guess.

So this whole thing is uncomfortable because its pointing out I'm really not as great as I think I am after all.

Thank you, you made me realize something.

I don't think you're better or worse than either of them. I think you have your own unique strengths and weaknesses like everybody else.

But what's cool is that one of your strengths is the ability to learn about and improve your weaknesses, which is really one of the most valuable strengths people can have, in my opinion.

Also.

He did date you, so there are clearly desirable traits in you beyond just superficial things like no stretch marks and a higher education, because as his dating history now shows - those things were not important to him, after all. And if those things were not important to him, after all, then the things that probably attracted him to you were not superficial things, but rather they were probably parts of who you are.

So if anything, I think the fact that he dated that woman shows that he saw good things in who you are, even if you have some personality kinks that need to be worked out, too.

That is another great perspective I hadn't thought of. I tend to think of things in very shallow terms....but if he dated that woman maybe he's not a shallow person. And therefore maybe he was attracted to me for nonshallow reasons as well.

I really hadn't considered it that way.

Thank you for giving me new ways to see it. And I agree with you, I guess people are too complex to be able to classify them as better or worse than each other. We all have our weaknesses and strengths. I don't know why I fall into the trap of wanting to compare myself to everyone else all the time. I should just focus on being as good as I can, I guess, in my own ways.

And its nice of you to say that being able to see ones flaws and try to improve is a strength. You're right, and I am trying to work on it. Hence being on the psych forums....

Thank you for your help!