When I started therapy four years ago, and even when having to change three times because of their life events, all three therapists told me that it sounded like my mother was a narcissist. Only recently has it really struck home that they're right. Yet, when I read other stories about Nmoms & Ndads, I feel like my mother is different. Now I'm confused. So for those of you who are more knowledgable about this disorder, I'd love your input. My apologies, this is a long post.
So, my grandmother definitely sounds like the kind of narcissist who triangulates siblings against each other, and spreads lies about her children. I don't see that particular trait in my mother. She does not gossip. Now, my mother does have clinical depression. So, I don't know how that plays into this. I'm wondering where my mother's narcissism fits on the spectrum. She fits the description in this article: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2 ... f-the-ego/
I would definitely say my mother is self-absorbed. She rarely calls me. When I would visit, her way of "bonding" was sitting in front of a TV for hours watching a movie (this is true with everyone). I realize this is her coping mechanism. She also never visits me - even when I lived 5 minutes down the street. When I moved on the other side of town (a whole 30 minutes away) she cried. She would say, "I never taught my children to leave me." Yet, when she was around other family, she would brag about how independent I was. She and my step-father would borrow money from me alot. Even when I was struggling with my mental health and could only hold a small job, they would borrow money. Now, I'm Mexican-Irish and its cultural programming to look out for your family through thick and thin. I thought I was being a good daughter by giving away what little money I had to them. Plus, this has been going on forever. As a child, I would save all my birthday and Christmas money (about $20 a year). I did this because when I was 7 or 8, my parents came to me and asked me for the money in my piggy bank to buy bread. Ever since then, my mother would borrow money. This was often to go clubbing all night while I stayed home at 10-years-old to care for my 8 and 4 year old brothers. As an adult, the cycle continued. I realize this is parentification. She has always looked to me to take care of her and my siblings - even as a young child. I would cook, care for the boys, serve her while she watched TV, and be her confidant when she fought with my biological father. It's taken the entire 4-years of my weekly therapy for me to step out of this role - and of being my brothers' surrogate parent.
My other siblings are not spared. She took great offense when my middle brother joined the Army at 17. She didn't stop him, but she made it clear that she felt abandoned. However, when around other family members, she brags about him. He's been in the army for 8 years now, having already served two tours at the tender age of 25. He's been married about 4 years. They live in Colorado. My mother never calls them. Even when my sister-in-law was pregnant, she never called to see how she was doing. Yet, she has felt completely entitled to see her and the new baby during their current visit to Texas. She invited herself to my sister-in-law's home in Laredo without asking, and tried inviting herself to my house this upcoming Monday to see them again.
My youngest brother is a lot like her. He and my mother are the babies of their respective families. They look alike, they have the same temper, and they have the same egotism. He has been violent towards me. He's yelled at me, pushed me, and thrown me to the point of deep bruising. My mother has hit, slapped, and clawed him - but this is not new. She wants spanked my middle brother's (Army) bottom raw for playing with matches. At 16, I got so emotional I threw my step-father's ashtray on the ground. When she came home, she gave me a black eye and dragged me by my hair with so much force, the base of my follicles bleed and scabbed over.
As an adult, she is neglectful. I don't hear from her unless she wants something. After my biological father committed suicide she didn't call to check on me. She doesn't call in to see how i'm doing with my health. To be honest, part of this hurts but it's also a big relief. So, when she got upset with me for telling her not to come over this upcoming Monday, and that it's not ok to invite herself over here without asking, she played the victim. She was offended that I would think she was a visitor who needed permission, and that I wouldn't let her see the baby. She doesn't take into consideration that we will be leaving for a 12 hour drive back to Colorado the next morning at 4-5am. She doesn't think to ask how I'm already going to be fighting to manage my anxiety as I prepare for this road trip and for my fiancé's flight the following day. She says things as a tactic to make me feel guilty for not sharing "my resources." I'm marrying a man who does very well for himself financially. My parent's would consider him "rich"; in reality he is an average everyday person who knows not to waste pennies on stupid stuff. We don't drive fancy cars, wear fancy clothes, or throw money away. I buy all our furniture and clothes from thrift stores. We drive our cars until they fall apart. We can afford nice vacations because of this. We are definitely not rich. Of course, this is the woman who told me, "My children are my social security."
The difference with this incident is that I don't feel sorry for her. I don't feel obligated to fill my fake parental fix-it role. I see the script of manipulation tactics, and I'm not falling for it. However, I do have anxiety. I worry that she will show up here anyway. That is the variable I'm not sure about. She might go back into her hermit state and stay away; or she might come pounding on the door. Physically, she still scares me. My fiancé has to go into work that day and I'm feeling vulnerable to the possibility that she will show up. However, it's just as likely she will sink back in front of the Television and I won't hear from her for another year.
I've already decided not to talk to her for the rest of the year. My brother and sister-in-law will be coming back in December and I am not dealing with it. I'm going to make it clear to them that they are more than welcome at my house, that we would love to see them, but that I need space from my mother and she's not welcome here. I'm also going to let them know that I would not be offended if its too hard to go between three families on their visit. I have resources enough to visit them anywhere on the globe for that matter, so it's not a big deal if I can't see them.
All of this is being considered on whether or not to talk to her anymore. I don't think she'd chase me. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't. I just think she'd sit in front of the TV all day and wonder how I could dare do this to her. She used to say things like, "Why do my children resent me? I gave them the best years of my life." She'll lament in self pity. I've paid attention to advice not to let her know personal things about me by telling my siblings not to share my life details with her. This is not something I worry about. I think that sharing the fact that I have stopped talking to her with other family members would violate her image as the "perfect loving mother." She does not have close relationship with anybody. She does not have friends. She's gone decades without talking to her own family because she does have a narcissistic mother who will gossip, and lie, and pit siblings against each other. My mother has no ties to my circle of friends, or my life. She doesn't seem interested in me unless there's something I can do for her. She shows compassion to other people. I would consider her a good person on her own, but not as a mother. I think she loves us in so much as she sees us as an extension of herself. I think she's self-absorbed, but in a very self-deprecating way. I know she is unhappy and I know she doesn't like herself because she's used me as a way of getting nurturing and attention.
All of this makes me uncertain about cutting communication completely. I think that with enough therapy and practice, I can get to a place where I can ignore the emotional blackmail and guilt trips and still attend holidays and major events without compromising myself or my family. I think I do need a year completely separate from her with No Contact, but I don't see it being forever.
Does anyone else experience this type of narcissism, or have a term for it?