Advice desperately needed

I am in desperate need of some impartial and honest advice from Ns and non-Ns.

I'll try and keep it short.

I started seeing a guy who I work(ed) with. It was very intense, the typical whirlwind. He told me he was falling in love with me after a week, I said the same back after two. We spent most days together at work and most evenings at his.

I had never felt anything like it. I'm sure I don't need to explain those feelings. However, I have trust issues and on top of that my intuition was going wild telling me he was not who he claimed to be. And when I questioned him on things, stuff didn't add up.

Then after about a number of months in a very intense relationship, he started to cool down slightly. Less texting, less working in my office. Although he was still buying me extravagant gifts/hotels and asking me to move in with him. I called him on it a number of times and we had many arguments that often ended up in a circular fashion with him not accepting responsibility and turning the blame around, calling me 'needy' and 'insecure'. I had also noticed he was on WhatsApp for days at a time when we weren't with each other. He told me he was chatting to his best friend. Anyway, I broke up with him because I wasn't happy.

However, I regretted it almost straight away and after ten days of backwards and forwarding, me apologising and him asking me to 'wait for him', and me saying no way, he appeared at work claiming undying love. We got back together.

About a week later he started being funny with his phone. So being the suspicious type, I checked it. Lo and behold, he was WhatsApping another girl at my work telling her he wanted to take her out. He hadn't met her or done anything (I spoke to her) and he started emailing her when we were broken up and just didn't stop it because he needed an ego boost (his words).

I threw him out and finished it immediately and then, in a strange turn of events after I posted something on Twitter, two of his ex-girlfriends got in contact with me. He had lied to me about them. He dumped one of them by text the day before he took me out - after telling her he loved her and was going to look after her for the rest of his life. And the other girl he was sleeping with behind her back. He told me he hadn't even slept with girl number one, let alone number two. He then threatened to kill himself if I told anyone at work... it got quite messy and my boss had to get involved. He has never been to the office since.

I have diagnosed him as a narcissist and I have told him so. I have been nothing but angry with him yet I am still receiving contact from him, telling me how much he loves me and misses me. We had a few weeks of NC and there I was thinking he would have replaced me already, but according to mutual friends he is in a state. He is apparently seeing a therapist and knows there is something wrong with him and wants to get better. He then sent me another long email apologising and claiming responsibility and it seemed very different. He had a very messy divorce about 18 months ago and says his behaviour is reactive to that... I'm not sure whether to believe that.

We had a conversation today and, for a change, he didn't try to take control or upset me or anything. The thing is, I just can't forget about him. I've tried seeing other people, tried everything to no avail.

Now he wants to see me tomorrow. I feel I'm on dangerous territory but can't stop myself. The thing I'm wondering, is it possible that the only reason he misses me is because I dumped him and he wants to get back on even ground so he can make himself feel better? The whole situation has turned me paranoid.

How do I tell the difference between a troubled guy with narcissistic tendencies who is genuinely remorseful and genuinely loves me and misses me... and a revenge-seeker? Is it possible he can change? Is it possible his behaviour was reactive to the situation with his ex-wife?

Help! And thanks!

I have trust issues and on top of that my intuition was going wild telling me he was not who he claimed to be.

I feel I'm on dangerous territory but can't stop myself.

Trust your gut. If you feel you are in dangerous territory don't do whatever makes you feel that way. Why do you think you cannot stop yourself? Your trust issues are part of the reason you are involved with this guy, that you don't trust your intuition that told your to run away from this guy, and that you return to someone who has violated your trust.

Pay attention to that feeling of danger. It's there for a reason.

Thanks Freyja, good advice. I've never thought of my trust issues in that way before but I guess I do have trouble trusting myself. I am always second-guessing my feelings and have trouble distinguishing between my instincts and fear.

Why do you think you cannot stop yourself?

I feel compelled to see him. When we were in NC I regretted not meeting him before, which was what he wanted, so I could ask him probing questions and watch his face. There's a lot I want to know. Also, I have to see him at work soon so figure the first meeting is best done privately.

I think I'm on dangerous territory because I know how deep my feelings ran for him and I also know he has the potential to be extremely charming and manipulative. But I guess I have to trust myself that I won't do anything stupid or put myself in a vulnerable position.

two of his ex-girlfriends got in contact with me. He had lied to me about them. He dumped one of them by text the day before he took me out - after telling her he loved her and was going to look after her for the rest of his life. And the other girl he was sleeping with behind her back. He told me he hadn't even slept with girl number one, let alone number two. He then threatened to kill himself if I told anyone at work..

many arguments that often ended up in a circular fashion with him not accepting responsibility and turning the blame around, calling me 'needy' and 'insecure'. I had also noticed he was on WhatsApp for days at a time when we weren't with each other. He told me he was chatting to his best friend. Anyway, I broke up with him because I wasn't happy.

....don't need a crystal ball for this one.

Doomed.

[sorry for interrupting but

inspiritus
where is your avatar/gif from? I'm fascinated by it. Where did you find it? )

From my experience, my ex always gets a burst of intensity if I appear to be walking away.

If you see him, you have to try and convince yourself to have no expectations from the meeting. And you have to NOT sleep with him. If you can't do those things, honestly, I'd say don't go. Also, be prepared for him to no show or cancel at the last minute if you agree to meet him. There are all kinds of ways you can get hurt here. I am seldom successful at letting things sit, but that's my advice based on my experiences.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

If anyone is interested, the answer was NO, a leopard who claims his spots have changed is lying! I definitely do not need a crystal ball!

He cancelled the first meeting, then tried to cancel the second. So I called him on it, told him I would meet him at work and bring dinner to him, to try and 'make amends for the all the bad vibes'. I never would have as I'd been drinking Suddenly he was able to get out of work and said he would drive to me instead. From that point on, I knew what I was dealing with was a pathological liar, not someone who was in therapy and wanted to change.

He arrived, we went to the pub. I employed some lying skills of my own and let him think I knew more than I did about his past and implied that I'd spoken to both his ex-wife and a few other people. Within the space of two hours his story turned from 'I've never cheated on anyone except the one you know about' to basically admitting that the reason his wife left him for another man was because he was cheating dirtbag.

I also bluffed and told him I knew a girl had been staying in his flat when I was away because I found make-up on a pillow and hair in the bed. He told me that he 'thought' it 'may' have been his friend Kathy. He didn't even know who it was... which says it all!

Then I got out the key question... I asked him the name of his therapist. He told me some ridiculous name of a person who didn't exist, I googled it in front of him.

Then he turned on the crocodile tears, started saying how he could see I only had contempt for him and would never love him again and that made him feel lower than he'd ever felt in his life.

I told him, no, I could never love him and walked away. I've now blocked him on all mediums. I pity the poor person who comes next.

d4zedandconfused wrote:Then he turned on the crocodile tears, started saying how he could see I only had contempt for him and would never love him again and that made him feel lower than he'd ever felt in his life.

Yeah, they get pretty deflated once you pull back their curtain.

Next time, he'll step up his game, or pick someone dumb (or more naive).

The RED FLAG here is someone claiming to love you in a week.