Our partner

I just want to die.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Re: I just want to die.

Postby Lassitude » Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:48 am

beesknees wrote:No, I appreciate the blunt truth. My mind is always so foggy because of him. It hurts, but not like the confusion and lies. Okay so my last question....the only solution is to completely cut him off?


Stop doubting yourself and do it.
Lassitude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2417
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:18 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 11:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: I just want to die.

Postby HowPredictable » Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:50 am

beesknees wrote:...the only solution is to completely cut him off?


This is the only solution. And it must be a complete, total, clean, final cut-off. Never talk to or contact him again.

Let me remind you of your Subject Line. Save yourself.
HowPredictable
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:05 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 11:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby beesknees » Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:56 am

I am doubting myself. It's hard to wrap my mind around none of it being real. This is horrible. It's like ripping away pieces of me. Thank you guys, for your blunt and painful honesty. I will report back.
beesknees
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 3:48 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 3:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby freyja » Mon Oct 13, 2014 4:11 am

My mind is always so foggy because of him.


People who have been or are in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder often can get into a type of disordered state themselves temporarily. That happened to me. One can lose oneself in the other person's problems or the problems of the relationship and not really think about oneself clearly -- one's own needs, dreams, desires, values ...

the only solution is to completely cut him off?


No one can tell you what the solution is for you. Choice A, you stay with him knowing how he is and what you do and do not mean to him, accepting that he is the way he is and not imagining any big change in his personality. Choice B is to leave and open up a world of different possibilities for you. We only get one shot at life.
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 5:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby Lassitude » Mon Oct 13, 2014 4:14 am

beesknees wrote:I am doubting myself. It's hard to wrap my mind around none of it being real


I know. These things are never easy when there's emotions involved, but it's important to know that you're doing the right thing by moving on with your life and maybe finding someone you can relate to better. You'll never be able to relate to him, just as he will never be able to relate to you. But unlike him, you do relate to others and there is hope. He will forever be alone, but that's not something you can fix or should feel responsible for. You're in charge of your life and in charge of making yourself happy. Don't allow him to bring you down with him.

This is horrible. It's like ripping away pieces of me. Thank you guys, for your blunt and painful honesty. I will report back.


You're welcome. Be well.
Lassitude
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 2417
Joined: Mon Apr 30, 2012 5:18 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 11:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby beesknees » Mon Oct 13, 2014 4:25 am

freyja wrote:
My mind is always so foggy because of him.


People who have been or are in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder often can get into a type of disordered state themselves temporarily. That happened to me. One can lose oneself in the other person's problems or the problems of the relationship and not really think about oneself clearly -- one's own needs, dreams, desires, values ...



I barely care for myself. I don't know how I've made it as long as I have. My family now believes I am insane. I keep feeling like I am the one with npd.

No one can tell you what the solution is for you. Choice A, you stay with him knowing how he is and what you do and do not mean to him, accepting that he is the way he is and not imagining any big change in his personality. Choice B is to leave and open up a world of different possibilities for you. We only get one shot at life.


I just want him to treat me better. It seems as though everyone is saying that isn't even possible. Or that it would be fake. If he were to treat me better consistently, wouldn't it only be as long as I served his needs? I am trying to determine if he could treat me better consistently and not at some point just discard me. Everyone says its hopeless.


My God, that's exactly what he said. "You're still good. I'm just going to drag you down with me".
beesknees
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 3:48 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 3:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby HowPredictable » Mon Oct 13, 2014 10:39 pm

I just want him to treat me better. It seems as though everyone is saying that isn't even possible. Or that it would be fake. ... Everyone says its hopeless.

My God, that's exactly what he said. "You're still good. I'm just going to drag you down with me".


Here's something else to think about, beesknees... and it may not be easy to hear.

If you persist in trying to get a loving, caring, mutual relationship out of someone who you KNOW has a personality disorder, someone who has HIMSELF told you he will drag you down, and someone ALL your friends are saying will never change ....

Then it's time to do some serious self-examination, to figure out why you are sticking around, and why you are hoping so fervently for something that is impossible to achieve.

And let me suggest that it may have something to do with wanting to prove your OWN specialness, by working so hard at this futile, doomed relationship. You see, deep down you may be thinking that if you can get someone like this disordered man to treat you well consistently -- against all odds and against everyone's better judgment -- then YOU must be a very special person, right?

I say this from direct experience: Before I realized I was NPD, I was unknowingly involved with not only another NPD, but after that, someone with BPD. Like one of the other post-ers said above, I had myself all wrapped up in trying to "fix" the unfixable in them, and to get them to love me and treat me well. If I could get a decent relationship out of either of these "lost causes" ... well, that must make ME pretty exceptional, right?

Except I was chasing rainbows. I realized that I needed to get my validation elsewhere. And -- like you -- I just needed to get away from toxic people who would never change.

Good luck.
HowPredictable
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 120
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2012 7:05 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 11:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby rivergirl » Tue Oct 14, 2014 2:33 am

HowPredictable wrote:Here's something else to think about, beesknees... and it may not be easy to hear.

If you persist in trying to get a loving, caring, mutual relationship out of someone who you KNOW has a personality disorder, someone who has HIMSELF told you he will drag you down, and someone ALL your friends are saying will never change ....

Then it's time to do some serious self-examination, to figure out why you are sticking around, and why you are hoping so fervently for something that is impossible to achieve.

And let me suggest that it may have something to do with wanting to prove your OWN specialness, by working so hard at this futile, doomed relationship. You see, deep down you may be thinking that if you can get someone like this disordered man to treat you well consistently -- against all odds and against everyone's better judgment -- then YOU must be a very special person, right?


This. Right here.

I'm not making any judgments, and I'm definitely not going to bash your ex, but if you're driven to thoughts of suicide by a breakup, you need to go NC immediately and permanently. Make a plan for doing so. Develop go-to strategies for coping. Tell a couple of trusted friends so that they can keep an eye on you.

Not being able to win genuine love from a pwNPD does not mean that you failed at anything. For me, it's always about trying to force a return to the idealization phase, to prove that I can turn it around. But when we get so caught up, we are also disordered, and that's what we need to deal with. I know that connection. I know what it's like to think of someone almost constantly all day, every day. I know how hard it is to cut him out completely. Do it anyway.
rivergirl
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 439
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2012 5:58 pm
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 11:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby freyja » Tue Oct 14, 2014 9:32 pm

I agree with howpredictable and rivergirl.

Beesknees:

I barely care for myself... I just want him to treat me better.


It's tough to read this cause I was in a similar situation myself. The only way out is to start
taking care of yourself step by step. This is the only part you actually have control over.

If you don't feel ready to make a decision about him, then make a decision about yourself. What can you do to make yourself feel better, feel good, find your inner strength -- take a nice bath, go for a walk, maybe see a therapist? Have you talked with someone about wanting to die, besides people on this forum?
BP1 with psychosis
freyja
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 822
Joined: Sun May 26, 2013 2:29 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 5:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I just want to die.

Postby beesknees » Sun Oct 19, 2014 2:59 pm

I talked to him about it. That's it. I'm not sure his reaction was genuine or not. I see that it made him uncomfortable, that much was clear. I went no contact. I had a panic attack last night. And the worsening depression has started. Better yet, I'm late. I won't tell him if I'm pregnant. I just wanted him to treat me normally. Not perfect, just not so terribly. I just wanted him to stop hurting me. But no one believes he ever will. This whole thing just hurts. It's like being badly burned all over and continually bumping into things. No contact hurts.
beesknees
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Sat Dec 01, 2012 3:48 am
Local time: Fri Mar 29, 2024 3:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

PreviousNext

Return to Narcissistic Personality Disorder Forum

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 16 guests