What does hope you're doing ok mean?

Hi everyone. I was hoping to get an opinion about an interaction between me and my npd ex. This is probably very trivial but it's important to me so any input would be greatly appreciated. Background is I am 10 months out of the relationship. I left. He is most definitely suffering from NPD. Emotionally abusive and verbally abusive relationship with the push/pull so characteristic of npd. We have a son 15 months who h complicates things. Through reading about npd I have gone minimal contact and I have Been very disciplines and I believe this has really saved me a lot more emotional abuse. Today I did text him though, to ask about maintenance, not a threatening message, just civil. He sent a nasty angry message back. I replied calmly. And all day I resisted the urge to get nasty back but u didn't. I've gone down that road before and I always regretted it. Hours later he text me he was sorry for earlier. That we should get on for our son and he hopes I am doing ok. So this is my question? Is he deliberately being patronising by saying hope you are doing ok? He has no reason to think im not ok. I have ignored all contact from him not related to son. I have not reacted when he has flaunted women. I look better than ever, go to gym, much healthier. And above all else, I actually am ok, I am happy, albeit, still processing what happened but I am really proud of myself. It would really annoy me if he thinks that he should pity me, or that I might not be ok. Do u think this is deliberate? After our brief interaction this morning I belive he would have been surprised by my calmness to his nasty messages. And to his message about being ok I just Said Yes we should be civil for Patrick (our son). Thanks.
Last week he text me how much he missed our son and that he is crying constantly. Normally I would ignore these messages but as I have not been as hurt recently I replied I wouldn't wish that on him and that in time he will have a family and it would get easier. This was patronising of me. I know that's how he would interpret it. But alternative was to say the truth which is its your own fault and you hardly expect me to feel sorry for you. Anyways. Maybe that's why he is saying the whole hope you are ok. Or maybe. It's just a flippant statement that has no meaning whatsoever. Clearly the fact that I am desperate to decipher his message shows I have along way to go.
But If anyone would have an opinion I'd be really grateful. To ad, he has a gf now, who he has already discarded once. He begged me back during that breakup. I ignored. Now they are back together and there had been no contact at all. Unlike him, all before that breakup no more than 10 days would pass without contact even though u was ignoring it.

Hi
After hanging for almost 6 months on this site, I am starting to recognize stories and the place in life of people that post here in search for help and understanding of painful relationships that they just went through. I understand the desperation when you go online and start reading articles about narcissists, and you click - he is the narcissis. Next step you find this forum, and ask questions in NPD section on the forum.

So usually when I see this kind of story, I recommend to the poster to try Lisa Scott site, for the simple reason that I truly think that this is good place to heal when you are in this state of mind even though this site satanized pwNPD. And somehow, there was only one poster that replied that he was there and didn't like it. I have an impression that these recommendations simply get ignored.

I did the same recommendation to you.

Now, I would like to ask you a question: did you actually look into http://www.lisaescott.com/ or family/relationship forum on this site.

If you did look into these places, there must be a reason for your decision that this is the place to ask questions. Would you mind shering your reasons? Help me to understand where is the flow in my thinking.

@michelle

I've asked for so much help in this forum I feel if I can give back even just my little ol' opinion I hope it will help. "Hope you are doing OK" was in almost every email sent to me for a little over a year after I had broken up with my exN whom I am currently back with. I sincerely believe they really mean it when they say "hope you are doing ok" because if they didn't feel that way they would not bother saying it. Its the best they can do as far as expressing the fact that they do actually care. If you say it back to them "hope you are doing ok too" it will be sign for them that you care too but that is the limit of feelings that you can express. I tend to mirror some of my exN's terms. When we are good he will feel comfortable to mirror my terms, "I love you" which is said everytime we say goodbye. I think my term "I love you" means more than just love for him. Its a code for everything is in order, no worries, its all good. Like "Hope everything is OK" is a code for 'I don't want to give too much away, I might be mad, but essentially I still care about you' Anyway, that has been my experience. XOXO

Violet - I can't answer for Michelle but not to aggravate you, but truly to you give you my best answer on this issue that keeps coming up -

Most of the ACON websites for example are made up of people who identify as normal people who randomly have 1 narcissist as a parent. There is not much understanding of or interest in the narcissistic family and the narcissistic family (for both Narcissists and Nons who are related to them or romantically involved with them) is the whole point.

Similarly Lisa Scott website is one dimensional in that the women again, do not often identify as BPD or non-disordered survivors of PD families (which they are) but as women who randomly hooked up with a narcissist boyfriend. Usually their explanation is that this happened to them because they are "too nice."

It's not helpful in a wider context or with depth - like sticking a bandaid on your chest when you need open-heart surgery.

Another problem with (some) ACON websites is that there tends to be in the admin roles, narcissists who are not self-aware and do not identify as narcissistic, which makes the places very limited/problematic as you can probably imagine.

Hi everyone. Thanks so much for posting. Hi Violet, I was already familiar with Lisa e Scott prior to stumbling upon this site. To answer your question, whether rightly or wrongly, I feel I come here as I have read so much here. I particularly find the posts by people with NPD themselves extremely insightful. Sometimes I feel the posts on Lisa e Scott can be one dimensional and/or very monotonous. I know my post is extremely monotonous in sense youve heard it all before , different woman, same story and I can imagine how frustrating it must be to read it. Ya know, most times I can figure it out myself, but then there are days like this when an interaction just gets under my skin and I am like a dog with a bone till I can resolve it in my mind. I suppose there are a number of factors that bring me here, even the clinical layout of the site appeals to me more than the bubbly pink girly lay out of lisa e Scott. But thank you. To the ladies who also posted you are so sweet reaching out to me. I've done so well. I'm doing everything I should do. I just can't let him finally go. I dream about him. I keep waiting for something that's never going to happen. I have a child with him so I am mourning a family and I have to see him for the handovers. It just makes it that but harder to make progress and fully detach. Thanks again.

If you did look into these places, there must be a reason for your decision that this is the place to ask questions. Would you mind shering your reasons? Help me to understand where is the flow in my thinking.

Probably because the OP is looking for insight from someone with NPD as well as those who don't have NPD but have experience of living with it. You won't find that on the Lisa Scott site - which is purely a site for those who have been in relationship with those with NPD. Here you get input from both perspectives. Plus the chat/posting on this site seems much more active that on the Lisa Scott site.

Entirely separately, it's one thing to offer advice and suggest people look at another site in the spirit of being helpful. It's quite another to come back and say (in effect) "I told you to look at this site. Put you are still posting here. Explain to me why that is."

People are perfectly entitled to post where they like and to ignore advice - which is just that - advice only. No one needs to explain themselves. I'm sorry to say but, speaking just for myself, that if I were the original poster, that question would really have got my back up. The tone of it ("[my] recommendations simply get ignored") makes it sound very self entitled. I appreciate that you are trying to be helpful but some times lack of tone in electronic communications causes miscommunication. It maybe that English is a second language for you - hence the wording - but to me it sounds really "explain yourself and how dare you".

It's something you say to someone when you lack any genuine interest in them, but are required to maintain contact to give the appearance that you at least care a little bit.

It's not a question and requires no answer, which is perfect because you don't really care about any answer, you just want to make sure they remain available to you. He regretted his angry response to you and pretended to be concerned for your wellbeing because from his point of view it's advantageous to keep your door open, so to speak.

Thanks Night drive. That's precisely what I was dreading it would mean. It means nothing. It wasn't even designed to be patronising, just nothing, I need to stop investing in these imaginary meanings. Draining. I appreciate that.

-- Sat Apr 12, 2014 10:48 pm --

Not a question and requires no answer. That sums it up really. Thank you. Common sense
But sometimes u need a little help pointing it out.

I guess Violet that sun's up why I would come here. Obviously not every poster is fortunate to get a response to their q. I've read Night drives responses on many other posts, would be confident of his (pretty sure from recollection you are a man) opinions. Anyways, that is a case closed for me. I have spent all day thinking about it and in 1 sentence he has made sense of it. I might sound crazy. But it's so direct
There is no room for me to put a personal touch on what he has said or slightly amend it to suit my own meanderings. It is what it is. That opinion to me is priceless. Not to take away from the words of the ladies earlier. The female of the species clearly, reacting to the desperation of my post. Intelligent , empathetic, decent women, thank you.

Anais wrote:Violet - I can't answer for Michelle but not to aggravate you, but truly to you give you my best answer on this issue that keeps coming up -

Most of the ACON websites for example are made up of people who identify as normal people who randomly have 1 narcissist as a parent. There is not much understanding of or interest in the narcissistic family and the narcissistic family (for both Narcissists and Nons who are related to them or romantically involved with them) is the whole point.

Similarly Lisa Scott website is one dimensional in that the women again, do not often identify as BPD or non-disordered survivors of PD families (which they are) but as women who randomly hooked up with a narcissist boyfriend. Usually their explanation is that this happened to them because they are "too nice."

It's not helpful in a wider context or with depth - like sticking a bandaid on your chest when you need open-heart surgery.

Another problem with (some) ACON websites is that there tends to be in the admin roles, narcissists who are not self-aware and do not identify as narcissistic, which makes the places very limited/problematic as you can probably imagine.

Actually, I think that you are the only one that bothered to really come up with the answer without bias.

And I think you have good point.

The only place where I don't agree is how Lisa's site works.

I spent few months reading that site for my personal reasons, and the thing is that they eventually turn these women to look into themselves. Initial venting is initial venting, but eventually they start looking into themselves and working on themselves. Which is the only right thing to do. And I am sorry to say, but I rarely see that progress here.