Callalily wrote:Here's my two cents.
I think the reasons these relationships tend to work out badly is that, although in some respects they seem to have a lot in common, BPs and NPs actually don't understand each other very well.
[Okay and some of what follows is me guessing about how it feels to be an NP, 'cause I seriously don't understand it, which is the whole point of this post, really. Please tell me if I'm way off base.]
[Also, sorry, I can't use "pwNPD" 'cuz it looks way too much like "pwnd" for me, so I'ma just stick with "NP."]
Assuming the NP is not malignant or sadistic, I believe he genuinely cares about the BP. But he cares about people the way he cares about things. He takes good care of the things he values. So the way he expresses affection for her is by trying to take care of her. Among his strengths are the ability to plan carefully and to act coolly and rationally. He sees that the BP is sometimes lost and directionless because of her emotional lability. Since he does not have that problem (and since, well, he's a narcissist) he believes he knows what is best for her, and so he shows affection for her by giving the kindest gift he can: his guidance and wisdom.
What he doesn't realize is that, for her, this feels like being put in a cage. She does not want to be controlled or told what to do. She doesn't trust anyone enough to let them control her, and when they do try to control her she assumes their intentions are bad. It feels like an invasion of her personal space, so she will fight him tooth & nail when he tries to do this. He doesn't understand why she is rejecting his gifts, and thinks she must be intentionally frustrating him.
On the flip side, the BP is proud of her empathy and her ability to understand people. That she can sense and be sensitive to others' needs may be one of the few things she really likes about herself. She desperately wants someone to "see who she really is," to understand and accept her for her strengths and weaknesses alike. So she assumes this is what the NP wants. Like the NP, she is giving the thing she values most in herself, which is emotional insight. She doesn't realize that the NP despises that insight just as much as she detests his efforts at ownership. For him, being "understood" is an effort at control, and deeply insulting.
So, like the NP, she is left hurt and confused, wondering "Why did he reject this gift which is the most valuable thing I know how to give?"
Neither party is evil. Both have good intentions, and indeed, they have a lot in common. But they end up driving each other insane because their approaches to the world are fundamentally different.
I've been skulking this forum for a while, and this is perhaps the single best post on this topic I've read. Kudos.
I had no idea I was BPD until recently diagnosed, and only so because I went to therapy to deal with a breakup with an NPD. Lord, what an eye-opener it's been.
The funny thing is, I don't hate him now that I've been reading up on the dynamic. Sure, he did some shady things. But, in retrospect, so did I -- albeit in vastly different ways. It was a roller-coaster of a ride. And in the end, he was as lovely to me as he could have been during the better part of our relationship. Lord knows I made it difficult. But so did he. It is what it is.
I love this NPD forum, more so than the BPD forum. It's been insightful in the extreme, from all posters, regardless of disorder.