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When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

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When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

Postby creativedude » Wed Feb 26, 2014 10:22 am

This is related to a workplace environment where the pwNPD is the boss.

The problem mostly arises when the boss decides to jump in and either override my analysis or questions my methods - and he is just plain wrong.

I am put in a situation where I must explain or defend myself - and this is with data. I try to frame it in a manner to not be confrontational or overtly criticize and do it in private emails, but does this do anything to stem the "narcissistic injury" and subsequent “narcissistic rage”?

I sent two emails - just to the pwNDP boss on the weekend and felt I was merely defending or explaining myself with the data. I also was trying to help the NPD boss see some of the issues the other employees were having related to the suggested approach.

The reaction Monday morning indicates that I think this triggered the pwNPD, but in both circumstances he was questioning my methods and analysis and the data itself does not bend to his whims. I think he was targeting me as a reaction to the data not matching his views - even though I tried hard to avoid attacking or embarrassing him in any way.

My question is twofold:
~ Is there any way to calm or quell the “narcissistic rage” in such a circumstances to defuse the reaction, stop the retaliation and targeting?

~ Generally you should avoid telling the boss directly they are wrong, but when they are already attacking or questioning you - how to defend without causing this blowback situation?

I saw some advice that suggested implying the truth was an opinion to allow them wiggle room. I am not sure how to phrase it exactly when it is black and white. "I feel there might be something wrong with the data based on the levels." "We are having difficulty understanding how to implement your method to do <blank>"

One other problem is that he is sometimes publicly criticizing my approach or analysis or suggesting otherwise - and he is just plain wrong. If I publicly defend myself - it publicly attacks him, but if I do not - it hurts my reputation.
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Re: When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

Postby pinkfloydfan810 » Wed Feb 26, 2014 1:12 pm

It is either walk on eggshells and let him dominate and continue criticizing you publicly, or voice your opinion. I would continue to keep voicing your opinion instead of letting him and everyone else see you as weak. Keep it professional and let him throw his tantrum as it will happen and he will embarrass himself quickly when everyone sees you are right and he is incorrect. Keep in mind he is completely deluded with the fact his way is the best way and nobody knows better than him.
Bipolar type unknown
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Re: When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

Postby Esquire » Wed Feb 26, 2014 6:51 pm

In a workplace environment, the best way to deal with a situation where a colleague with NPD is incorrect is to speak to him about it privately, in an unemotional, respectful way, that communicates to him what the "right" answer is without humiliating him or shaming him for being wrong. Getting emotional about it, publicly or privately, is going to trigger the pwNPD, because the pwNPD will interpret your demonstration of emotions as meaning that you could be potentially hostile, and will go into defensive mode, a mode designed not to find the right answer but to protect the pwNPD. Similarly, if you call him out rationally, but in front of everyone else, this will trigger the pwNPD's subconscious feelings of shame. This will also put the pwNPD into defense mode. That's why the best solution is to have a dispassionate, private conversation with him about the matter.
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Re: When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

Postby extarget » Thu Feb 27, 2014 8:21 pm

I have found that they set you up for rage and retaliation. I tried every angle and my Narc was gunning for me so he would say things that were so off the wall that with the constant chipping away at me, I could barely contain myself... I finally figured out was the intent. He did everything in his power to get me to snap and make me look bad mainly because of how BAD he really looked. I have to say, I was good at keeping it together and that made him even more angry... Perhaps with some there is a procedure to keep things from getting bad but my experience of CONSTANT criticism, digs and pokes, there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop this idiots intent on trying to push me father than any person is allowed to do... Good luck!
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Re: When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

Postby BPM606060 » Thu Feb 27, 2014 10:39 pm

I believe something else that can help is if you also add details where he in fact is correct. It fairly rare for an individual to wrong on all fronts. I recall reading this strategy in Dale Carnegie's book "how to win friends" . This strategy tends to help in many types of people, not just pwNPD.
"Without order...nothing exists....Without chaos....nothing evolves"
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Re: When the pwNPD is wrong - avoiding rage and retaliation.

Postby extarget » Fri Feb 28, 2014 12:26 am

I always tried that tactic and it sort or worked. I always tried to focus on the positive and try to get in the important point I was trying to make. It backfired on me a lot though.... And did what he wanted anyway and we ran into trouble that could have easily been avoided...
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