To repeated victims of narcs *trigger warning*

Note that I'm not blaming you for your negative experiences with your narcissist ex, I get where you are coming from. Know that I know completely. Same to you who were raised by one. I get it, I was there, I was raised by one too. That being said, I've noticed a pattern....

Alot of you seem to have the same patterns repeating in your lives. It seems like you go from one narcissist to the next. If this doesn't sound like you, then it doesn't apply to you. Hit the back button. If it does, before you get offended, note the trigger warning and hit the back button if you're going to be offended. I'm low in the empathy department.

If you keep getting yourself into these same relationships, there's obviously something about narcs that draw you to them. There's something they offer you, otherwise you wouldn't repeat these patterns. Perhaps it gives you someone to blame other than yourself? If so, I've been there. That means you've got some narc traits yourself, but no worries. I'm not a narcissist either. I'm just saying. But perhaps its a sign that you need to work on you? Perhaps it is. Some just get off on being offended too, I've seen this as well.

Second this thread

Good post mino. I for one see a lot of people with narc traits come here a lot and not see them. I consider narc traits to be not enough for diagnosis but maybe missing amount of criteria by one or two

minotauros wrote:But perhaps its a sign that you need to work on you

Not maybe, but it is. Nothing triggering here.
This is nothing a revolutionary. At least for the majority of them/us, whatever, it's not.

I managed to make a conscious decision and change that. Even be happy for over 10 years. Until it(/him) hit me again.
And with this I don't mean that I myself had no choice. We all have our weaknesses, and life is not always easy.

'''If you're persistently drawn to narcissistic men, there were serious deficits in consistent, nourishing support and affection during your childhood (usually with Mother), that set you up for distressing, confusing relational dynamics in your adult life. Your abandonment issues aren't about the father who left when you were an infant or small child, they're about emotional deficiencies in the parent who raised you! This relationship template from your girlhood keeps you choosing the 'Mr. Wrongs,' until you're ready to tackle some inner-healing work.''
Schari Schreiber

I do believe those who have suffered in r'ships with pw NPD share certain N traits and childhood issues to those of their N'cisst.
Whether or not it stems from r'ship with Mother or Father or both would vary depending on sex and circumstances.
Perhaps the connection is a recognising of each others fragilities and ego and a sense of familiarity borne from similar internalised childhood experiences?.

Note that I'm not blaming you for your negative experiences with your narcissist ex, I get where you are coming from. Know that I know completely. Same to you who were raised by one. I get it, I was there, I was raised by one too. That being said, I've noticed a pattern....


Alot of you seem to have the same patterns repeating in your lives. It seems like you go from one narcissist to the next. If this doesn't sound like you, then it doesn't apply to you. Hit the back button. If it does, before you get offended, note the trigger warning and hit the back button if you're going to be offended. I'm low in the empathy department.

If you keep getting yourself into these same relationships, there's obviously something about narcs that draw you to them. There's something they offer you, otherwise you wouldn't repeat these patterns. Perhaps it gives you someone to blame other than yourself? If so, I've been there. That means you've got some narc traits yourself, but no worries. I'm not a narcissist either. I'm just saying. But perhaps its a sign that you need to work on you? Perhaps it is. Some just get off on being offended too, I've seen this as well.

^^ nothing to be offended about in your post, it's diplomatically put for the most part and some bits are true for myself.

I'm an ACON and have been in relationships(ish) with two narcissists.. also dated and had short term relationships with a fair few nons..

Before i knew what NPD was - i was drawn to these people because they were familiar and i'm a ''fixer'' - i was the scapegoat as a child and as such i tried my hardest to be good, stay quiet, be perfect and fix things so that one day i'd be loved.
I'm drawn to narcissists because i see a vulnerability in them that i see in myself.. we share common experiences and i understand their defence mechanisms and refusal to let anyone else ever hurt them again.. i used these methods myself for long enough until i had an experience in adulthood that destroyed all my mechanisms..

Both narcissists i was with = i assumed that when they realised they could trust me then they'd open up a bit and yep.. apparently some wounds are too deep.

So; now i'm left with a problem of my own.. i feel most comfortable with people who are the same as i am.. who have been through tough times.. I have roughly zero idea of how to relate to people that have lived life without any major trauma.. what would we chat about..? How could i tell them why i don't talk to my parents even though my parents seem charming on first meeting them..?
How could i explain why none of their neighbours talk to them or why i have scars on my arms..?
How could i explain why i'm still hypervigilant and still flinch from time to time when someone moves rapidly nearby..?



and yet i must.. I have to try and work through a world where i feel like i've been in a parallel universe.
Oh, and to add to the funhouse effect.. i'm now a freshly diagnosed bloody aspie.. yay. No wonder i was the scapegoat.. i was one weird kid.

anyway; lol.. tips on dating nons would be appreciated



actually; ideally i'd date another ACON (one without too many fleas)

I probably should check out ACONs.

scepticalblahblah wrote:anyway; lol.. tips on dating nons would be appreciated



actually; ideally i'd date another ACON (one without too many fleas)

Haha, agree!
Except replace the Acon with something what ever I am - mix of something weird.

scepticalblahblah wrote:

Note that I'm not blaming you for your negative experiences with your narcissist ex, I get where you are coming from. Know that I know completely. Same to you who were raised by one. I get it, I was there, I was raised by one too. That being said, I've noticed a pattern....


Alot of you seem to have the same patterns repeating in your lives. It seems like you go from one narcissist to the next. If this doesn't sound like you, then it doesn't apply to you. Hit the back button. If it does, before you get offended, note the trigger warning and hit the back button if you're going to be offended. I'm low in the empathy department.

If you keep getting yourself into these same relationships, there's obviously something about narcs that draw you to them. There's something they offer you, otherwise you wouldn't repeat these patterns. Perhaps it gives you someone to blame other than yourself? If so, I've been there. That means you've got some narc traits yourself, but no worries. I'm not a narcissist either. I'm just saying. But perhaps its a sign that you need to work on you? Perhaps it is. Some just get off on being offended too, I've seen this as well.

^^ nothing to be offended about in your post, it's diplomatically put for the most part and some bits are true for myself.

I intended it to be diplomatic. It was aimed at the sensitive.

I'm an ACON and have been in relationships(ish) with two narcissists.. also dated and had short term relationships with a fair few nons..

Before i knew what NPD was - i was drawn to these people because they were familiar and i'm a ''fixer'' - i was the scapegoat as a child and as such i tried my hardest to be good, stay quiet, be perfect and fix things so that one day i'd be loved.
I'm drawn to narcissists because i see a vulnerability in them that i see in myself.. we share common experiences and i understand their defence mechanisms and refusal to let anyone else ever hurt them again.. i used these methods myself for long enough until i had an experience in adulthood that destroyed all my mechanisms..

I'd use the people that came to me in my past, they were easy prey. It's good to see you move on from that. I did stop being like that, but I still manage to get people coming to save me. Probably stems from my own being a family scapegoat, and the only way to survive was to make sure that I did what was wrong to be blamed, and then find someone willing to bail me out. Dickish move? I was far worse behaved as a kid than as an adult. I hear you though.

So; now i'm left with a problem of my own.. i feel most comfortable with people who are the same as i am.. who have been through tough times.. I have roughly zero idea of how to relate to people that have lived life without any major trauma.. what would we chat about..? How could i tell them why i don't talk to my parents even though my parents seem charming on first meeting them..?
How could i explain why none of their neighbours talk to them or why i have scars on my arms..?
How could i explain why i'm still hypervigilant and still flinch from time to time when someone moves rapidly nearby..?

Working through this part myself. The only person who I really got along with in a relationship was someone with ASPD. We've sort of became friends and then moved on. I got bored with the relationship, he got bored of the friendship, sort of deal. Constantly picking on eachother, but it was how we had fun.

anyway; lol.. tips on dating nons would be appreciated

My best advice to you is to date someone who is selfaware and has worked through their $#%^. Someone who you first knows has the same intentions as you. That a way it has a better shot at working. Though for what its worth, I'm not big on dating, so I wouldn't know the secret to successful relationships. I never aimed longterm.

ACON meaning?

ACON = Adult Child of Narcissist

I'm glad I came across this. I've literally spent the last 48 hours trying to figure out why I always attract narcs and I think I've found it. Please bear with me, this is the only place I can talk about my theory with people who understand the concept of narcs.

So I realised all of the guys I attract and get "hooked" on before ending up hurt are narcs or have narc behaviour. Funny enough, they've all been musicians. People who depend on admiration and appreciation for their creativity and just being them.

Here's where I come in. I'm a child of a narc father, also a musician. I always felt inadequate because I wasn't as perfect as he wanted. I was the fat kid and I remember how he would constantly complain about why did it have to be "his" that was fat. I was also very intelligent and resourceful. My father would scare me off from being social because according to him people are cruel and will use me. I now realise he was speaking about himself too. He was right, I'm very independant and like to have my own things which made me a magnet for everyone who needs a favor or to borrow something. And I would do it knowing I'm being used.

Why? Because I've always been under appreciated. I like to help, give, support but it hurts that I very rarely get a "thank you" or "well done". I've always felt like a vending machine. When it comes to dating narcs I guess deep down I believed if I gave, showed my support and affection I'd get the one thing I've always wanted: to hear someone say "I love you. I appreciate you. You matter to me". Needless to say I've never gotten it from any of my narcs or parents. And when I did snap or say no to being used I was discarded and I would blame myself for trying to defend myself. I'd apologise for standing up for myself just to hold on to these people not knowing that made them devalue me even more. I'm sure narcs can almost smell this on me.

I'm in a better place now. I realise I appreciate and value me and that's all that matters. I hope this epiphany helps others in understanding why they too may attract narcs.