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Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

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Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby LTK21 » Sat Feb 08, 2014 6:41 pm

Hi all,

Ive read and read and researched and I feel so lost. Trying to find some answers about my wife and perhaps that she is narcissistic in addition to the walk away wife syndrome that seems to have occurred.

Wife 35 yrs old, marriage once previously, 2 children (now 17 and 13). Left her first husband b/c she accused him of adultery, but left the home and children with the husband (whom they now spend most of their time with)

She was sexually abused by her father as a child which she never sought help for in resolving that psychological issue.

Her and I were married and have been for 9yrs currently. We are now separated and have been for 8 months. Beginning of marriage was fine, but for last 4 yrs has been a little tough mainly because of illnesses she has suffered and multiple surgeries. Bariatric surgery (though she didnt do any post surgical psych follow ups, and that surgery type can be very hard on people mentally), partial hysterctomy with no hormone replacement therapy follow up, then a severe infection which almost killed her, and subsequent surgeries on her abdomen. All this in last 3-4 yrs. Last June 2013, she began acting strange after we just had a glorious 5-6 months of a much improved marriage, we spoke about her behavior, she said she wanted a divorce and was moving out. I was stunned. I inquired about it being another guy, she denied, however a week later I caught her with that guy. (guy is married with a one year old child, coworker of hers). She moved out, I helped her move because she had no one to help her despite that I did NOT want my marriage over. I just always did and did and did for her no matter how bad it hurt me. At first we were cordial, speaking, then in Sept 13 she became nastier with me, and in Oct I tried a 180. I ignored her which actually backfired on me cause she went along with and didnt bother with me at all. Ignored me through Sept anniversary, my bday in November and Christmas. Even told her children I helped raise since they were 7 and 3 not to talk to me. She simultaneously destroyed good friendships with others and to some degree, has pushed her children away. Desperately, I just filed for divorce in Dec for adultery to which she "checked the box" on paper stating she was going along with it, though she never admitted it to my face. Now in legal limbo for a little bit. She went into hospital a few days ago for a few days, didnt tell me. I found out, and went to see her, she didnt want me there so I gave a get well card that she accepted and I left.

So.......besides a possible walk away wife syndrome, is it possible my wife is a narcissist?? Any hope here?? Other things to consider are, she has problem admitting wrongdoing, does not apologize, shows nearly zero empathy for anyone else, is always a "woe is me" moment, plays the role of "victim" very very well, literally ignores me to the point where I feel nonexistent now, and never took anything that bothered me or worried me over the years as serious. She wasnt always like this, just last few years, especially after the damn bariatric surgery. (her weight now is good, but overall she isnt healthy). If she is narcissistic, did the devaluation stage just last longer since she was not like this to me for the whole marriage??

I appreciate any insight please. This whole thing losing my wife and marriage has taken a severe toll on me in many ways and Im desperate for any kind of answers. Thank you. Anything I may have left out, please ask.
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby margharris » Sat Feb 08, 2014 8:55 pm

Hi LTK,
The behaviours you describe are indeed part of a narcissistic pattern. You seemed to have tried to please her but she has had issues all along that she was handling in a personally destructive manner. All your wife's negative self talk has been medicated away through eating for as long as you have known her. She hasn't had any therapy to allow her to express her self loathing or dissatisfaction with her life. She may have a mountain of unexpressed resentments but she used food to self soothe.
After her surgery, she was not able to use food in this way. She needed to look to other answers to help her cope. With loss of weight came renewed interest in her personal appearance and a desire to change.
You may have been always treated as background scenery in her life. Busy with your day to day work, you may have missed the time when she detached from you. It was probably even before she had her surgery. She just played a role like an actor so you didn't realize what had already happened. She wanted change. We can often lead very separate lives for many years before one day a partner walks out.
You most likely could not have done anything to prevent this. She herself changed and she just found a new love interest that reignited her passion for life. She no longer wants to be reminded of what she has done to you. You no longer exist. By doing this she shuts the door to any shame she might feel.
Yes, it was selfish and you might feel very used but this relationship was far from ideal for you too.

I just always did and did and did for her no matter how bad it hurt me.

It shouldn't have hurt... You need to admit why was it hurting so much?

Hope you are OK. Marg
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby Harkness » Sat Feb 08, 2014 9:33 pm

LTK21 wrote:
I just always did and did and did for her no matter how bad it hurt me.



Why?
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby dherpin » Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:00 pm

"you are drinking poison, hoping your enemy will die". The best defense for anything is love. Offer nothing but unconditional love, I love you and I will pray for you and her.

Regardless if she is aware or receiving treatment, you can still change you. You are carrying around these books. They are heavy, everywhere you go you have all these books, and people laugh at you. Why are you carrying these books? are they helping you?

Let go, tell her to let go. Offer love allow her to love you. She will be angry, she will fight, she will deny. Still offer love. If you care for her and you give the strong impression you do, tell her that and that's it. You can't stop anyone from hurting you. She suffers deeply, very deeply. Do not focus on what she did, or who she is with, focus on yourself.

If you want her back, but I advise against it, speak her language. Ignore her, you have offered help, offered love, this is all you can do. The greatest test of humanity is to love those who hate us. She may or may never see her issues, but if you offer love and you live righteously within the eyes of everyone, which actually translates to "relationships" by the way, there can be nothing but good in your paths if life.

Take it for what its worth, I am a cured NPD, not treated, but cured, whether this is accurate or not is debatable, however, I refuse to accept it, I reject it, and try to help others who suffer as I once did. I wish I could speak to her.

Do not contact her, let her contact you. To brighten the situation further, my girlfriend who left me, now is literally blowing up my phone and facebook, as we speak, I haven't decided if I want her back, and she left me. My childs mother has threatened to press charges for tresspassing if I go to visit my son, I only have love to offer and I am sure her mind will change very soon. Life changes very quickly and "this too will pass". I hope this helps, I love you as a human being, you sound wonderful.
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby Harkness » Sat Feb 08, 2014 10:17 pm

I think posting this story on an NPD forum is a stretch. Your wife did what she did and you want answers, but unless she's been diagnosed, there are no answers for you here. People like to diagnose their partners after a relationship fails.

You say you did everything for her even though it hurt, etc. You shouldn't have. That was your mistake.
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby LTK21 » Sat Feb 08, 2014 11:07 pm

Thank you all for replys. To be a little more clear on what I said, I did things because I wanted to know though no knowing that nearly nothing was reciprocated. Early years..sure, but not in last few. She works hard, has good work ethic, etc, but I considered it my job to make her life easier as her husband, hence things I did. She lifted not a finger for nearly anything other than to go work. Years back, I felt appreciated but after a while no longer. It does make sense reading the post about her eating and then not having that any longer after the surgery since her behavior seemed to gradually change after that. What I meant by hurt was, being by her side day in day out for 32 straight days in hospital only to be told that I did it to "make myself look good", or being told that Im "not permanent, just temporary".

I know some here may want to just look at me as some idiot who wouldnt give up, but....I dont give up. Its not in my nature, or my makeup. What I do for a living is consistent with that regard, (Fireman) so when it comes to my wife and marriage, I take my vows seriously. Perhaps I never would have been able to see it coming, perhaps it was inevitable for her mentally, I dont know. I definitely agree with reply regarding me being too nice, continually. Ironically, the two months of me being silent ignoring her didnt work, it was only right at end of that 2 month period when I ACTUALLY filed for divorce out of desperation did she "reply". I believe she never thought I would do it, of all people, me, the constant in her life and the only one who takes all the crap she gives and just piles it on. I am not saying my wife is a horrible person, just the opposite, which is why I posted here. I believe something more than just being a bad person is at play here considering all the factors and pieces put together in last few years are coupled directly with her behavior. I posted in these forums because if you want to figure something out, you dont go to one source. I've read medical forums on the psychological effects of particular surgeries, mental health resources, etc.

I came to these forums mostly because of the traits she displayed that seemed to be indicative of NPD, and some are. Its a shame someone who has been able to overcome NPD cant talk to her, but I will continue to pray for her and myself and I thank those here for replying to me and praying.
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby Harkness » Sat Feb 08, 2014 11:14 pm

LTK21 wrote:
Its a shame someone who has been able to overcome NPD cant talk to her, but I will continue to pray for her and myself and I thank those here for replying to me and praying.


Nobody overcomes NPD. It's not chickenpox.

And praying wont help you.
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Re: Please help. Insight on wife/narcissism.

Postby LTK21 » Sat Feb 08, 2014 11:19 pm

Perhaps Im not using the "correct" terminology but I dont need to be insulted. I realize its not chickenpox. As far as prayer goes, I'm not here for opinions on atheism. I posted to find insight from those who have experienced NPD with someone and could shed a little light on it. Thats all.

-- Sat Feb 08, 2014 6:23 pm --

Thanks margharris and dherpin for the constructive commentary and insight.
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