Do You Have Kids?

Kiskiskis wrote:

VirginiaEsquire wrote:

Anais wrote:BlueFlower - I end friendships a lot. BPD trait. Chop and change relationships with people a lot.

It's a defense against people getting too close to you. NPDs have it too, just in a slightly different way and triggered by different things.

I just did that to a friend. Funny thing is, I don't feel at all like it was distressing with her, yet still I did that. Im going to fix things, but for that Im going to have to reveal what's wrong with me..
With my best friends it's like we can have ages with no contact and when we meet, it's like we never were apart. I keep people safely distant

Yes, I understand completely. When people get too close, I feel vulnerable. At the same time, when I start to let someone get close and they do the same thing to me (keep me at a distance, pull away, etc), then I get upset with them. So I guess it's a bit hypocritical really.

And I'm totally derailing Anais' thread here. Back on topic, then.

VirginiaEsquire wrote:And I'm totally derailing Anais' thread here. Back on topic, then.

Like in many things, I get easily distracted too. Sorry Anais!

reflection wrote:I have kids. I struggle as a parent in ways that differ from my friends.

Im also interested, how?
And also for others, what way exactly do you think you differ from "normal parents"?
I don't have so many close friends with kids, but what I've noticed I do good in being same level with my son. (In good and in bad, I tend to be a bit childish.) If having a good day and manage to be fully present. Anger scenes are my problem, hard to stay controlled and calm. Without losing it.
But aren't all parents worried about these things. IMO most important thing is to give kids love, affection and boundaries.

And acknowledge mistakes.

I am a parent. But I feel it's too personal to talk about here.

I don't mind where the thread goes.
'squire - yeah it is partly to stop people getting close. Partly a fear of being screwed over that resides at a deep level given my mother doing just that, and partly the fear of not being good enough if people get to know me, an ACON thing again.

My priority is not to compete with my kids or belittle or degrade them, but really that's a no-brainer in my case because I know I am not at risk of doing those things, I'm not wired like that. So for awhile I have been thinking to myself "everything will be great because I know I won't do what my mother did, to my children."

But then I happened to see an article about children of people who identify as "survivors" and how that mindset in parents can hold children back. The parents were people who had survived the khmer rouge and that type of horror. Although I didn't live through that type of thing I did have a mother who tried to destroy me and I for sure identify as a survivor. But that shouldn't impact or define my kids so I am looking at that now. How to change this?

Courtney - I was an only, people say only children are spoiled, I don't think that's true. What actually happens is they get placed into a mini-adult role or a really intense relationship with the parent(s). But if you were aware of that you could stop it happening I think.

Nightdrive - I understand.

Kiskiskis wrote: Anger scenes are my problem, hard to stay controlled and calm. Without losing it.
But aren't all parents worried about these things.

Yeah I think the anger/patience issue is pretty much universal for parents. Especially these days when most parents work and feel stretched. I snap more than I would like to, I did it this morning. My middle son gets under my feet in the morning when I am getting the older son ready and on to the bus. So I am trying now to identify problem times and offset it in advance. We have set up a station for him with colouring and play doh where he can sit and have his breakfast while we get ready. We are practising this during the day so hopefully there's no problem in the AM. And he knows that as soon as the oldest is on the bus I make coffee and we do our stories.

There are 3 possibly 4 main areas of parenting that I struggle with most. Mind you just a somewhat sort time ago I was not familiar with any of this in the way that I am now. I do want to change particular behaviors but I often feel at a complete loss on how to do so.

1. I may lack empathy.

Example: If a child is jumping on the bed and has the potentional of falling off. You have told child numerous times not to jump on the bed because they could get hurt. My solution to this is let them fall off the bed. It will be a lesson on why not to jump on the bed.

Example: Child falls down. Is crying. It is obvious to you that they are not seriously hurt. In your mind child needs to watch where they are walking and pay better attention. 2 men hear child crying run to child and pick up and begin to play with child. I then become aware that I should be the doing the same. So I do.

Flip side: Child falls down stairs. Thoughts of if child is hurt how am I going to explain. What if they blame me. What if they don't believe me. These cross my mind. Extremely fleeting. I run to child. Child is crying. I pick up. I hug. I begin to inspect child. I place child on counter top. I am upset. Emotionally. Child stops crying. I begin to shake from head to toe. I have no control of it. I was terrified that my child was hurt.

This makes me question if I do lack empathy.

2. Attachment.

I believe I love my children but if needed I can not love them just the same. This is especially true if one of them in some way hurt me. It is not even so much a thought of shutting off as much as it just occurs. My thoughts on said child will change. This is what I assume is referred to as splitting.

3. Where do I end and my children/husband begin.

My children are a reflection of me. If they are doing well then I must be doing well. This would include my husband as well. It is as if the family unit is my identity. I'm not exactly sure on how to describe this. Even though they are my identity I need to be the one in control of it.

4. Expectations.

I build my children/husband up. I believe in alI I say and do when I am doing this. Unfortunately when they fall I believe in all I say and do at that time as well.

Example: Child is concerned about grades. May potentionally be bringing home a B. This is not acceptable. Child is intelligent. Child brings home all A's. Child is rewarded and celebrated. If child had brought home the B the rest of the A's would be insignificant.

This sounds cruel. I know it as I read it.

I have difficulty with the in between.

My psychologist and I were once having a discussion about something my husband had done and said. She understood my thoughts and from where they came. She then informed me that what I thought could be only be or the other could be both. She had to explain this to me. During the time she was explaining it was as if 2 opposing sides of my mind were attempting to make sense of what it was she was saying. As if they were questioning it. It was a logical explanation and should not have been as difficult for me as it was.

Anger is an issue for me as well. I don't hit though. I never hit.

That is enough for now.

reflection wrote:Example: Child falls down. Is crying. It is obvious to you that they are not seriously hurt. In your mind child needs to watch where they are walking and pay better attention.

This encapsulates what thoughts your text raised.
I have this kind of stuff too. Almost like my emotions get tumbled. Not all the time, but sometimes.
Im feeling anger, why didn't he be more careful. Even though surely I supposed to feel sad/empathy for him, scared did he get hurt etc.
Just one example.

Edit.
This is NPD forum, so, I don't remember if I already mentioned this before, or only thought of it.
But I think it's so sad. My ex N has a kid too.
And she is posting online pics, a lot of them, including texts like "Love me, hold me but don't own me"
Makes me wonder what kind of relationship they have with this father. And how his PD affects in her.

I have an eleven month old daughter. I actually think I'm a pretty decent mom. My daughter has everything she needs, is always taken care of, never abused or neglected or any of that. I love her more than any other person in my life, BUT the way a lot of non parents speak of their children, it's clear that I don't feel the same way as they do towards their kids. I also get frustrated with her sometimes. My daughter is a "high need baby" (not special needs, just google if you don't know what that means) and as someone who lacks empathy, I find it difficult to deal with her extra neediness. A lot of times, she cries for attention, which I don't always respond to, because I know she's just been fed and changed. My mom likes to claims I'm a bad mother because I've only ever bought her a couple outfits. I just don't see the point when everyone else keeps buying them. Why spend money on clothes when she has tons of them already? She's a baby. She grows out of them a within a few months.

Kiskiskis wrote:Almost like my emotions get tumbled. Not all the time, but sometimes. Im feeling anger, why didn't he be more careful. Even though surely I supposed to feel sad/empathy for him, scared did he get hurt etc.

Yes. As though there is a lapse of needed information. I have difficulty with distinguishing what emotion/s that I am often feeling. Upon thinking on it I can't say that I even give that any thought.

lolidk wrote:My mom likes to claims I'm a bad mother because I've only ever bought her a couple outfits. I just don't see the point when everyone else keeps buying them. Why spend money on clothes when she has tons of them already? She's a baby. She grows out of them a within a few months.

I differ here. I overindulge my children. It is how I show my love for them.