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Are discards designed or random?

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Are discards designed or random?

Postby lolost » Thu Nov 14, 2013 4:01 am

I am interested in whether or not a narcissist designs a discard of a non based off of either spoken of or perceived weaknesses of the non.

I make it very clear to friends/sig others that I only found out my father was having extra marital affairs by accidentally viewing a string of emails he wrote to his girlfriend when I was a pretty young girl and it ruined my relationship with him. I made it very clear when dating my ex-narcissist (my psychiatrist diagnosed him as so) that if he ever wanted to date someone else, to just tell me so and we could walk away.

I find it insulting and cruel that he decided to ultimately discard me by dating another woman and allowing her to post all of their doings and interactions online where I could easily view them and piece together the fact he was in a side relationship with her. I saw so many photos of the two of them together before I found the balls to say something to him about it; something I was never able to do to my father. I had literally said from the beginning "If you ever would cheat on me, please don't make me find out by information online." Naturally, that's what he did.

Is it a possibility that actions and or a discard like this was designed by him because of my past experiences? Maybe he thought he would get away with it because I had made it known when confronted with the issue in the past, I never stood up to it and pretended like I knew nothing?
Either that or he didn't give a fu(k about my past.
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Re: Are discards designed or random?

Postby margharris » Thu Nov 14, 2013 6:09 am

Your last eight words provide a comprehensive summary of findings on this subject.
Discards were often carefully cultivated, but boredom, frustration or opportunity arose and the thrill of the new unexplored green pasture was an ego stroke that could not be passed up. You were only important for what you could provide. You can be replaced with anyone available. The whim can move quickly to something more designed within days. That fact typifies the depth of the relationship and why it rarely lasts.
We need to plumb down to the depths where loyalty and perseverance are found to have a fulfilling relationship. There are just so many tough times we all have to go through. A narcissist doesn't go anywhere near these qualities in interpersonal relationships. He is likely to go for the action and the consequences are not even considered. It is just your problem not his. His concern doesn't extend to how you feel. He is feeling great in the arms of someone else. He letting her post photos is further proof of how great he is. You are not in the picture. He doesn't care.
Sorry you have been hurt so much. It takes time to heal. Marg
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Re: Are discards designed or random?

Postby PamHelf » Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:26 pm

I had literally said from the beginning "If you ever would cheat on me, please don't make me find out by information online." Naturally, that's what he did.


This is the first lesson of dealing with an N. Once they know *anything* that you say would hurt you or you don't want them to do, guaranteed they will do it.

You'd have been better off saying "if you cheat on me, please don't worry about putting that information on line because it will give me and my friends an opportunity to ridicule you publicly. One of my friends did that to her ex and we all had an absolute blast. His reputation was mud by the end of it".

Is it a possibility that actions and or a discard like this was designed by him because of my past experiences?


No. It's not a concious design; if an N is devaluing and discarding, he is usually in a rage and moving on. They will strike where they think it will hurt based on their knowledge of you but it is instinctive.

Imagine if a man springs out at you and tries to attack you with a knife and instinctively in a split second you kick him in the balls. It makes no sense for that man to ask if your attack was "designed"; it was an instinctive reaction without a slow decision-making concious thought process behind it. It's based on the moment, fear, a need to defend yourself, opportunity and what you have learnt over time about the vulnerability of all men in that area.
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Re: Are discards designed or random?

Postby lolost » Thu Nov 14, 2013 6:16 pm

Interesting, thank you both for replying. The first time I was able to confront him about her, he played the whole "she's nothing but a friend, she has a crush on me,I can't help what she posts." I did not believe that for a second (the photos that I was seeing was corroborating that they were a couple), but I dropped it.
Is it a game to keep hurting the non by keeping them around and lying? Are they hedging to see if the new person ends up being better? I don't understand why, when I called him out on her the first time, why he couldn't acknowledge it and civilly break things off with me. Instead he did not and his cheating went on for months, the photos kept getting more and more incriminating. Did he enjoy the fact I was working harder to keep him, thereby making him being admired or chased by multiple girls?

I'm just so curious into WHY decisions like this are made by narcissists. I'm not here to be like "oh poor me,he hurt me and cheated" and bash him for that. I chose to stay with him. All I want to know is why things happened the way they did because lord knows he never explained anything to me. The third time I confronted him about her, he simply vanished. We did not even have a break up. All I had said was "you know I know you are dating her. What am I supposed to do?" After 4 years, he disappeared.
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Re: Are discards designed or random?

Postby margharris » Sat Nov 16, 2013 3:09 am

You are dealing with a pathology that always plays out with the same pattern. They just don't have the credentials for long term relationships. You are there to prop up their own self worth. As soon as they have a drop in feeling then you are blamed. You might not realize it but they transform the need for love into the need for attention and admiration. Whatever you do it is not ever enough to prop up their feelings because it is coming from them. It is like they are always running from their own depression and need the excitement of the new infatuation to stave it off. You can be devalued and discarded overnight.
Once he knew you knew him, he moved on quickly. There would be no admiration once his flaws were known.
Feeling lost is also part of this experience. Just remember how bad he has made you feel so if he hoovers back, the door is shut. Things will turn sour at the end of the rainbow as you well know so be prepared. You deserve better and there are lots of guys out there who can do better. Take care. Marg
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Re: Are discards designed or random?

Postby jenny2682 » Sat Nov 16, 2013 11:18 am

Oh yes...they are planned to inflict the most amount of pain. The devalue slowly brings you down, you see the cruelty and mask slipping (seriously I cried and got hysterical the first time I saw it-it was pure evil), gas lighting ramps up so you are confused and disorientated, affection is withdrawn. Then the discard-you will be shocked at the coldness, lack of empathy and the disgusting things they say to deliver the final blow. And when you are reeling...you will look up to see pure joy on their face. They are laughing at your pain and enjoying it. I swear mine looked almost orgasmatic.He knew exactly what he was doing. I hope to never see that again.
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Re: Are discards designed or random?

Postby Esquire » Sat Nov 16, 2013 2:57 pm

jenny2682 wrote:Oh yes...they are planned to inflict the most amount of pain.


This is simply incorrect. D&D is a form of splitting. Anyone who "splits" people will tell you that it is largely an involuntary process. It's like someone swings at you and you block. You're not really thinking it through when you block. It's just something you do largely instinctively to prevent yourself from being hurt.

-- Sat Nov 16, 2013 10:05 am --

margharris wrote:You might not realize it but they transform the need for love into the need for attention and admiration. Whatever you do it is not ever enough to prop up their feelings because it is coming from them. It is like they are always running from their own depression and need the excitement of the new infatuation to stave it off. You can be devalued and discarded overnight.


Basically correct. I would just add that I'm not sure the NPD can accept real love. I think the version of love that they want is just as you described, the need for a certain kind of attention. Also, it's true that NPDs get depressed, but that shouldn't be confused with clinical depression. NPDs get depressed because of external sources impacting how they feel. It's more like a chronic boredom.
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