Narc's reactions

addx wrote:think about my empathy.

Hmm... no. I was thinking about me. But I see you can copy and paste.

So here you go:

"I'm so sorry to hear that. That's a terrible thing to go through."

You can keep it on your desktop and paste as needed

-- Fri Nov 15, 2013 10:06 am --

DNoble1389 wrote:My father has started spray painting the walls of our house with heavy, smelly, black spray paint. He does this while looking at pictures of his "family". He has zero actual supply sources now that i've figured him out. One doodle is of his step fathers name. .....

Oh no!!! Dude you gotta move!!!!

VirginiaEsquire wrote:Just so you know, I believe that your final sentence was the result of your conditioning by your Narcissistic parent. You are basically telling us that you should stay because you have something to offer us. That probably emanates from being conditioned by a Narcissistic parent to believe that you are only worth what you have to offer the Narcissist.

It was in response to your comment that the genuine NPDs may be scared away. I was wanting to make the point that so might some of the Nons. Specifically those trying to communicate, who may decide to give up.

As you yourself well know, getting empathy from Narcissists is going to be a challenge to say the least. I haven't read your story before, but it seems to me that from what you've written above, I see no reason not to simply devalue and discard your mother, as she seems to be preventing you from being happy. I know you are probably conflicted about this.

I'm no contact with her and not conflicted about that now. The conflict right now is to do with trying to find some kind of overall meaning or resolution from the experience, in a wider context.

Anais wrote:Hmm... no. I was thinking about me. But I see you can copy and paste.

So here you go:

"I'm so sorry to hear that. That's a terrible thing to go through."

You can keep it on your desktop and paste as needed

It's not really funny.

So you're really accusing me of not triggering my own painful memories with your text but giving you a rationalization/method that I use to repress them or handle them or punish myself.

If I said 'sorry to hear that' I'd be lying. I'm not sorry, I can't be, I musn't be. Because I'd have to be sorry for myself then too. And I don't want that.

The quote I have you was to show that I actually empathize with the abuser that's abusing me. I know you know what that means.

Can you see the miscommunication in there?

addx wrote:Can you see the miscommunication in there?

Don't know. Narcissists do seem to show empathy for each other. And when it suits them. They also DO show a lot of empathy for themselves, in that they give themselves a lot of time and consideration. This doesn't add up to me right now with what you're saying.

To me, the so-called lack of empathy is more like something oppositionally defiant. Just a refusal to consider others, or to tip-the-hat so to speak because it places others above the self.

I appreciate your PM. I am reading it. My brain works slower than yours in that way so it'll take a while.

Anais wrote:

addx wrote:Can you see the miscommunication in there?

Don't know.

Well I'm thinking chronic stockholm syndrome kinda thing = covert narcissism = denial of painful true self(with painful memories) by a false self immitated from the original abuser but with no confidence.

Here's what happens IRL. We had a person hired 6-7 months ago, he was weird but an acquintance of my boss so we didn't question him much. It was apparent from the start from the multitude of tics and aspergerish behavior, constant absorbing and regugitating knowledge as if he owns it but makes mistakes, hops around while waiting for answer. If you tell him to not interrupt you while working but rather to wait, he'll come to show that he's seen you working so you know he didn't interrupt. He displayed various behaviors that caused the rest of the group to start to tease him or laugh behind his back. It was funny for me initally but only shortly.

I started feeling sorry for him and started defending him against the others. I started explaining him to others and when that didn't work I started to devalue the others. I also had private conversations with him where I learnt about what made him like that.

His mother left him at birth to his grandmother. She came to collect him when it was time for elementary school. She wanted him to be the president of the universe but obviously he started failing. She divorced in the meantime and got herself pregnant with a girl. She discarded him then and moved onto the girl, bought her everything, paid education in USA, bought exams, bribery, anything to make her into something while he walked around barefooted.

He once started to tell a story, he wanted to "brag" how he handles the female brain, it was supposed to be a guy story. I listened. He explained that before going to the shop for groceries you need a strategy. I immediately thought - you're being abused. He went on to say you need to make your wife make a list of groceries to buy. Why? Because if you only remember it - on your way to the store she'll call you 5 times to explain what else to buy and what not to buy etc. He said she always explains it in a way he never remembers it correctly(1. he's too afraid for his memory and focus too work, 2. she gaslights him). He comes home and always has the wrong groceries.

I talked to him later to explain. I asked him, what does your wife tell you when you get home? He said 'she says I bought the wrong stuff'. I asked him, 'have you noticed that you can't really come back home with the right stuff'. He replied 'No, it's not her, she says herself that she'd be very happy if she didn't have to tell that to me every time'. I explained it to him then - what abuse actually is. I told him that he actually had a strategy for buying groceries which he shared as if it was some battle story. I told him people don't strategize groceries. I told him she can buy her own groceries if he's so inept about it. He went into some kind of shock, told me he had nightmares for weeks but was very grateful and I opened his eyes to what is happening. He only enjoys my company and is fearful and anxious of all others in the firm(it's visible because of his tics and almost a tourette kind of thing where he beatboxes uncontrollably while waiting for something). I don't really want to be his friend, I don't have friends, it's exhausting for me, but I can't hurt him so I have to dance around him in a way, ignore him a bit and then give him some attention and slowly get him off me.

So, when you say, 'I feel bad, I've been abused' I say 'No, it's not abuse, you just need to understand your abuser', what do you think this is?

In the end, my "lack of empathy" is apparent in the fact that I openly confronted with my long term collegaues and friends to stop bullying a disordered person I knew for a week or two and also helping the disordered person the way I thought I could.

I have to live with these collegaues and I also have to stop the bullying. The collegaues are good people, but good people are ignorant and they bully, they function as one big narcissist. I can't discard them for being normal. I have to sit with them as if I'm all good with them while infact not approving their bullying. I also have to help this other person.
It is only possible if you're void of judgement. Which is not a lack of empathy.