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how to counteract smear campaign?

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how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby evian » Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:28 am

How to counteract a smear campaign when the proof he's lying is highly private stuff I have too much loyalty/decency to show? I've lost 20 friends over this, my remaining ones in common with him are either taken in by him or are saying "get over it" while staying his friend, and I'm having panic attacks/suicidal thoughts over this. NO one is even willing to go to him saying "I know this info exists" cause they are all so taken in by him.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby minotauros » Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:39 am

Those that left your side, never really were your friends to begin with, now were they? I wouldn't cry over them, but just cry for you if you have to, that you had to waste so much time with them. Wash your hands of it and don't let it bother you, I've dealt with this, it works after a while they give up. Eventually, they no longer know your friends nor you.
Live life by the horns, or die wishing you had.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby evian » Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:37 pm

They were my friends. I know for sure. He is just so insanely manipulative they don't understand that he has a private side to him only I see.

-- Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:40 pm --

Or they do and are hopeless sycophants/codependents and just do whatever he wants and that's why he hasn't waged war against them like me who's trying to hold him accountable.

-- Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:43 pm --

People are going so far as to excuse totally racist statements he makes and still think he has morals, and this is not a group that just tolerates racism, or so I thought. They're so totally deluded by him I have no understanding how it's even possible. Just total human sheep. He could lead them to carry out genocide the way he's able to get them to deny facts right in front of them. People I thought had brains of their own.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby IamTitanium » Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:56 pm

@evian,

Now you know how Jim Jones got everyone to drink the poisoned Kool Aid.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby Kiskiskis » Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:58 pm

evian wrote:People are going so far as to excuse totally racist statements he makes and still think he has morals, and this is not a group that just tolerates racism, or so I thought. They're so totally deluded by him I have no understanding how it's even possible. Just total human sheep. He could lead them to carry out genocide the way he's able to get them to deny facts right in front of them. People I thought had brains of their own.

I have always wondered the same, to the point that it just can't be all possible, as this person still had people he could call as friends (barely). They were just so hooked.
But FYI, I have known this N of mine for 10 years. And he didn't have those best friends anymore he had when hanging out back then.
Or yes, they were listed as friends, but obviously didn't have any contact and the atmosphere between them were almost hostile.

So people will figure him out at some point. You'll just wait and see. 8)
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby katana » Sun Oct 27, 2013 8:23 pm

evian wrote:How to counteract a smear campaign when the proof he's lying is highly private stuff I have too much loyalty/decency to show? I've lost 20 friends over this, my remaining ones in common with him are either taken in by him or are saying "get over it" while staying his friend, and I'm having panic attacks/suicidal thoughts over this. NO one is even willing to go to him saying "I know this info exists" cause they are all so taken in by him.


OK so they're not your friends, but if you're a politician, if anyone is conducting a "smear campaign"its damaging your life in any kind of way I'd suggest you drop your decency for a moment. - If you're a celebrity you're fine - they say "no publicity is bad publicity", lol. Go out wearing a dress made of bacon and it'll soon quiet down.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby evian » Mon Oct 28, 2013 12:21 am

You're right. It's just insane that not a single friend I have in common with him is my friend... even the "nice" people don't seem to get they're not being "nice" by staying out of it, they're siding with him. But not with him, they're hurting him too, they don't get how much they're hurting him and how he'll just do this to someone else. It worries me because I read this

"This is the first and, by far, the most critical step on the way to coping with the disorder: will the narcissist admit, be forced, or convinced to concede that he is absolutely and unconditionally wrong, that something is very amiss in his life, that he is in need of urgent, professional, help and that, in the absence of such help, things will only get worse? Having crossed this Rubicon, the narcissist is more open and amenable to constructive suggestions and assistance.

The second important leap forward is when the narcissist begins to confront a more REALISTIC version of himself. A good friend, a spouse, a therapist, a parent, or a combination of these people can decide not to collaborate with the narcissist's confabulations anymore, to stop fearing the narcissist and not to acquiesce in his folly any longer.

When they confront the narcissist with the truth about himself, they help demolish the grandiose phantom that "runs" the narcissist. They no longer succumb to his whims or accord him a special treatment. They reprimand him when needed. They disagree with him and show him why and where he is mistaken. In short: they deprive him of many of his sources of Narcissistic Supply. They refuse to take part in the elaborate game that is the narcissist. They rebel."


This won't happen if no one confronts him. I want him to be happy but no one is. I'm resigned to losing all my friends at this point but I just can't bear the thought of him going on like this and everyone enabling it cause they don't see how much hurt they're doing.

-- Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:23 pm --

When I say decency, I mean some stuff is just too personal and sacred to share.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby evian » Mon Oct 28, 2013 12:33 am

I mean, how do you get a confrontation like that to happen? NO ONE will confront him! The top five things I've heard when I ask someone to go to him with simple evidence:
"I don't know him well enough"
"I'm not really friends with him" (Despite coming to me and haranguing me/watching others harangue me based on lies he's telling)
"It's not really my business"
"Forget him if he's so bad" (While staying friends with him)
"Just drop it" Drop what? Being severely gaslit/ostracized/betrayed by the people saying this?

The most likely candidate to help now openly told me he would wait a week to talk to the person but if he didn't wait for furor to die down he would get labeled crazy along with me. I don't know about that... this same person just is very concerned about not being seen as crazy although he believes me, to the point he was mocking me along with others but reported back on the mocking... weird... I don't even know who to trust, if even one person had the guts to confront this guy.

How do I get a confrontation to happen?

-- Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:36 pm --

This person is socially isolated in a way I don't think anybody should be and I want it to stop now. He's not happy. People don't know they're enabling this, and the one who does is so far in a folie a deux with him she's no help.

-- Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:38 pm --

And I want my friends back, and to not feel I have to feel guilty/bad/defensive about telling the truth and asking for basic rights and respect. This is so far out of hand. I need advice soon cause I told some people I'd have to cut them from my life tomorrow if they can't see what;s going on and help.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby outback » Mon Oct 28, 2013 1:15 pm

evian wrote:"This is the first and, by far, the most critical step on the way to coping with the disorder: will the narcissist admit, be forced, or convinced to concede that he is absolutely and unconditionally wrong, that something is very amiss in his life, that he is in need of urgent, professional, help and that, in the absence of such help, things will only get worse? Having crossed this Rubicon, the narcissist is more open and amenable to constructive suggestions and assistance.

The second important leap forward is when the narcissist begins to confront a more REALISTIC version of himself. A good friend, a spouse, a therapist, a parent, or a combination of these people can decide not to collaborate with the narcissist's confabulations anymore, to stop fearing the narcissist and not to acquiesce in his folly any longer.

When they confront the narcissist with the truth about himself, they help demolish the grandiose phantom that "runs" the narcissist. They no longer succumb to his whims or accord him a special treatment. They reprimand him when needed. They disagree with him and show him why and where he is mistaken. In short: they deprive him of many of his sources of Narcissistic Supply. They refuse to take part in the elaborate game that is the narcissist. They rebel."
This "Confrontation System" was dreamed up decades ago as an extreme, last ditch plan to "enlighten" alcoholics. The success rate was close to nil! How is it going to change someone who is perfect?

Sam Vaknin appears to have assumed proprietorial rights to use Confrontation as a path to salvation for NDP? :roll: . He, of all people should know better.

Even if you knew how to start "a Confrontation" (World War III is probably a more appropriate term) you'd be out of your depth.

It's a much smoother path to work on forgetting everything that bothers you, find new friends and and exit with dignity. Sometimes you can't fix what's broken, whether you think you own it or not.
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Re: how to counteract smear campaign?

Postby computerology » Mon Oct 28, 2013 1:25 pm

Well to be brutally honest half the problem is within you.

You are trying to conduct your own smear campaign by "showing them who he really is". Doesnt matter if its not true or if its true. You are trying to tell people something negative about him that they are not sure if it is true. In effect, you are handing victory to him on a silver platter; all he has to do is say that you are lashing out and that you are negative and your attempts to show him for who he is and it will ultimately come back looking like he is right. So stop it - the friend who says forget him if he is so bad is right.

So on the smearing of you, letting it go and stopping talking about him will go a long way. Next, the best way to counter a smear campaign is to get in front of it. That means talking to people first before he can and not being drawn into traps of your own making like the above. If you encounter a triangulated smear on you, honestly defend yourself but put the onus on who told them that.

For example, "while i have a good idea where you heard that about me, how about you tell me who said that?". Narcissistic smear campaigns are usually done in the "dont tell so and so i said this, but...". If the friend will out him then they are your friend. If not then they side with him.

Cut your losses.
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