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Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

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Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby ccetal » Tue Sep 24, 2013 11:45 am

Just wondering do you use silent treatment as a punishment on the discard or is it more that you simply want to write someone out of your life because you feel they have hurt you? Is it a simple way of removing your own pain, if you don`t have to think about them, deal with them or face up to any of the consequences of your actions?

The key difference being, are you intentionally hurting them or simply protecting yourself? Or is there some other reason?
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby addx » Tue Sep 24, 2013 11:48 am

ccetal wrote:Just wondering do you use silent treatment as a punishment on the discard or is it more that you simply want to write someone out of your life because you feel they have hurt you? Is it a simple way of removing your own pain, if you don`t have to think about them, deal with them or face up to any of the consequences of your actions?

The key difference being, are you intentionally hurting them or simply protecting yourself? Or is there some other reason?


In the case of discard - paranoid protecting yourself from even thinking about the painful ghosts of the past in order to facilitate better history rewriting.

In the case of passive-aggression - well, that's meant to teach you to respect the narcissistic inner child wishes.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby Anais » Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:05 pm

addx wrote:In the case of passive-aggression - well, that's meant to teach you to respect the narcissistic inner child wishes.


addx, would you say that the N assumes we know what his wishes are and so thinks we are purposefully frustrating them? Do you think it occurs to the N that we don't have a clue what they want (due to lack of normal communication)? Thanks
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby addx » Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:56 pm

Anais wrote:
addx wrote:In the case of passive-aggression - well, that's meant to teach you to respect the narcissistic inner child wishes.


addx, would you say that the N assumes we know what his wishes are and so thinks we are purposefully frustrating them? Do you think it occurs to the N that we don't have a clue what they want (due to lack of normal communication)? Thanks


Yep. The N has many lies with which he defends his self from reality. He is also confused, he thinks what he wants to happen, must happen, with people who he deems are controlled by him. So he doesn't ask, he expects.

His brilliance is misunderstood. He can read other minds but others can't understand him, he is frustrated by that but finds it to be proof of his superiority. The truth is he can't understand himself either. But nevertheless it must be a sign of superiority. He doesn't really understand what's driving him or what he really is driven to do, but he feels it is of cosmic importance and the others must be completely retarded not to recognize this cosmic importance of his mission. When he falls deeper into crisis paranoid thoughts will appear. His mission of cosmic importance(of hiding his true self with layers of denial) becomes endangered by the threat of convergin consequences of the lies he told himself and others and delusions he fortified himself with. They are all after him, he is so close to the cosmic solution(desperate paranoid-schizoid defenses denying reality) but they are onto him. He thinks people are purposefully attacking his ego while in reality they are just asking questions the NPDer can not begin to answer without contradicting at least 5 planted lies which makes him afraid that they're onto him.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby rivergirl » Wed Sep 25, 2013 3:31 am

I saw my ex use passive aggressive silent treatment towards a friend (possibly ex lover) who wouldn't get in line with his expectations, and it was brutal. Just brutal.

In the case of me and him, I'm the one who disappears, but it's not about the silent treatment. I know he'll use Facebook to injure me more...a thousand little cuts...so I take that away from him to protect myself. In fact, when I took him back the second time, he started using Facebook as a weapon pretty early on...in subtle ways, but because I know his ways, I knew what he was doing.

Communication or lack thereof is definitely related to control (consciously or not). I understand the urge to fix the damaged child that he is, but you really can't. And it's sad, but you can't. That's hard for us codependents because fixing is what we do.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby TalesFromTheNarcSide » Wed Sep 25, 2013 12:01 pm

Funny I was just going to ask this question, it just goes to show that this is a personality disorder trait.

Right now the N. is ignoring me and this time I know for a fact I didn't do anything wrong.

I think there are a few reasons why:

When we were "together" He would ignore me and it wold drive me nuts. If the N. would be working on something (normally some scheme), had an illness with himself or a family member (which was frequently) , or after he had done something wrong and I had gotten angry and wanted to resolve the problem.

Ignore.

I would react by trying desperately to contact him and that give him all the power.

After the anger, I would panic, then when contact would resume, I would keep my mouth shut and accept him back under any condition. If I asked "Why are you ignoring me?" He would say, "I'm not ignoring you, your just paranoid, I would never ignore you." Lie.

One time, he had done something to upset me. I called and he wouldn't pick up. Then I blocked my number and he did. The N. became enraged and accused me of being "sneaky, dishonest and all around crazy." If I only knew at the time about Cluster-B's and how deep his pathology runs.

I honestly did not know that the silent treatment was not normal and a form of abuse.

Currently, I'm being ignored. There is an illness in the family-I swear this family member does some Munchausen things. The N. is also working on a scheme too.

Regardless, I'll get phone calls up to Sat. silence Mon-Wed. Maybe an email or two.

I will respond by saying something like "Let me know how things are going, how's so and so or let me know if your ok."

Silence. Engulfment then silence.

So, I believe that the silent treatment can be used in an infinite amount of ways.

The first thing to remember is:

The N. DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

It could be because

1) He is sick of you
2) Wants to avoid you
3) Wants to punish you
4) Since your an object, doesn't care about you at the moment.
5) Wants to control you and hopefully you'll jump and ask "how high" when contact resumes
6) Keep the power in his court.
7) Has a new source of supply to keep him occupied (which he does)
8) Simply doesn't care one way or another.

Use this time to separate from the N and starting living as if he is not a part of your life, because currently-he isn't.

Remember, there is no use trying to reach out to somebody that doesn't want to hear from you. Get help if this is causing you anxiety. In my case the N. has an article of clothing that I ordered from a department store, so he can afford to use the silent treatment right now.

I grew up in a household where my mother would use the silent treatment all the time (even as a small child) and I'm a person who has extremely high verbal comprehension. So, for me, this is the WORST form of treatment. But, I've also mastered the art of ignoring the ignore-it takes a bit, but I can use the silent treatment to my advantage. I never start the "silent treatment" but unfortunately I've been trained well to endure it.

The last time my mother used it, my retort was "Ok, bye, have a nice life." and sure enough, it stopped. That's how I treat the N. when this happens. It hurts, it's upsetting, but after a few days I hear back.

This one might go on for a while. Lets hope so....it's the only way I can get past this.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby Yorkshirelass » Wed Sep 25, 2013 1:42 pm

TalesFromTheNarcSide

The N. DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

It could be because

1) He is sick of you
2) Wants to avoid you
3) Wants to punish you
4) Since your an object, doesn't care about you at the moment.
5) Wants to control you and hopefully you'll jump and ask "how high" when contact resumes
6) Keep the power in his court.
7) Has a new source of supply to keep him occupied (which he does)
8) Simply doesn't care one way or another.

Use this time to separate from the N and starting living as if he is not a part of your life, because currently-he isn't.

Good advice thanks.
I know someone getting the silent treatment right now. They absolutely don't deserve it and it is so hurtful.
My narc mother was not prone to loud rages, she was a micro controller though. The Silent Treatment was common. Long sulks, over a 'crime' of mine, a drawer left open slightly, a finger print on a table, a crease she'd spied in the duvet, the list is endless. A little girl spending most of her life effectively being 'Sent To Coventry' for imagined misdemeanour's.

I was not allowed to speak. How I remember her back turned toward me, that little shrug of her shoulders, the ice coldness oozing from her.

All I wanted was a hug. A mother.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby TalesFromTheNarcSide » Wed Sep 25, 2013 9:05 pm

I hope it's some good advice.

I believe that the silent treatment can be blessing and a curse.

The first few days of this nonsense, the sudden drop in communication for whatever reason-feels horrible and shocking. I (or you) will spend at least 2 days running through your brain what you might've done wrong to provoke this.

In reality, nothing.

The disordered will simply think to his/her self "I don't want to talk to them." and thats it and he/she will get on with things, you just don't exist in their world. Its really confusing especially after being engulfed and you've been catering to their needs and stroking their ego. It really doesn't make a whole lot of sense to be honest.

Around the third day, at least for me I think..."Ok what do I have to loose in relation to what I have to loose."

I get my:
Life
Sanity
Freedom
Happiness

ect.

What I loose is

anxiety
depression
being lied too and other crazy making behaviors.

By the 4th day (or when they decide to) The N. comes back and the cycle will start all over again. But eventually, and hopefully soon, I won't be there at all. But it doesn't matter, because the N. has others.... they always do.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby katana » Wed Sep 25, 2013 9:33 pm

Interesting thread (to read.)

If people are pissing me off and I disappear, its nothing to do with anything like that its much more simple. Its my life. I don't want to hang around where people are trying to bring me down (or piss me off now I realise if I want to be angry there are better ways and directions to throw that anger.)

So I go off and do something that's good for me and good for my life.

If people aren't pissing me off, I may hang around longer, but in the end yes my actions will depend mostly on me. But while I'll help out a friend if they want help, I'm not codependent and don't have a pathological need to fix people.

If people are ever giving me the silent treatment I won't notice it. I'll just assume they don't feel like talking and if that's made clear, may leave them alone as a result to respect those wishes.
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Re: Why do NPDs use silent treatment?

Postby TalesFromTheNarcSide » Thu Sep 26, 2013 1:24 am

That's interesting. But not in the case of the N. I know.

He told me that if people contact him on a Thursday he won't respond until Monday, so they'll think he is too busy. It's a tactic.
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