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Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissism

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Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissism

Postby evian » Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:36 pm

Hi. I have a friend who I have a romantic link with. We only communicate online currently for the most part. He started *ostensibly* ignoring me about a month ago but actually doing really hurtful things, and he refuses to block me and I know he likes making me feel uncomfortable because it puts him in control, the fact that I do care about him and have told him I won't stop trying to communicate with him unless he makes it absolutely clear he doesn't want to talk to me by blocking me.

He ignores me and talks to everyone else but weirdly at the same time directs stuff to me and also seems quite depressed when I make no effort to interact with him. What do I do, how do I get out of this cycle of trying to get his attention/inflating his false ego by doing so. He has way too much pride to approach me if I ignore him, or to do anything that makes him appear 'weak' or needy like respond to messages etc., he just gets more and more depressed/distant/off in some fantasy land, and I get depressed. I want his real ego to feel safe and secure around me, enough that he can trust me enough to talk to me. It wasn't this bad before.

NPDers, what could someone do in this situation to make it so that your ego defenses wre lowered enough that you could approach them in the spirit of trust and cooperation rather than one-upmanship/fear/control? Considering this is totally online and he makes every effort to ignore my private attempts to talk, and only talks on (for example, on FB) mutual friends' walls at this point? He also qualifies for Avoidant Personality Disorder.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby evian » Sat Sep 21, 2013 12:53 pm

To provide more info: he has such a case of learned helplessness that he posts lots of things about how the world is failing him and people lie and such when I deliberately stop talking to him to allow him the chance to meet me halfway if he wants, but he never actually does anything about it, he never writes back to me although I write lots of encouraging things, alternating with giving him "space" that only seems to make him distant/depressed also. I've explained all of this to him when he was actually talking to me and just, nothing even does anything, it is so frustrating, I think we are sad without each other as a friend but what to do if he WON'T ANSWER. He's giving me the most impossible task, somehow his mind makes it so that I'M failing him and betraying him when HE won't answer me.

-- Sat Sep 21, 2013 8:02 am --

And if I'm "too nice" he gets overwhelmed/bored. It's TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE but I CANNOT leave him because I care about him very much, he's been my friend for so long before we "got too close" and things got weird, and he is depressed and I want so much to be there for him.

Just, honestly, what would you want someone to do in this situation, what could someone practically do to make things netter, anything? He doesn't RESPECT me when I try to talk to him because I'm making an effort with someone treating me like nothing but he doesn't WANT to respect me because if I'm smart/competent enough to respect that makes me someone to fear I guess?
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby BlueFlower » Sat Sep 21, 2013 2:43 pm

evian wrote: the fact that I do care about him and have told him I won't stop trying to communicate with him unless he makes it absolutely clear he doesn't want to talk to me by blocking me.


NPDers, what could someone do in this situation to make it so that your ego defenses wre lowered enough that you could approach them in the spirit of trust and cooperation rather than one-upmanship/fear/control?


Wow.

It's nice that you care about this person....however, there is nothing that YOU can to do "make" him trust or respect you. I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, but you're in the devaluation phase with him, while YOU are trying to get back to the honeymoon phase. Won't happen. His behavior is pathological; and your attempts aren't going to inspire a willingness to change...quite the opposite, actually. In being a willing participant to his drama, you are only perpetuating his behavior and providing him an outlet for control issues. This relationship is NEVER going to be what you want it to be---and you could possibly waste years of your life before realizing your efforts are completely futile. His mindgames will keep you tied to him in a dysfunctional way--until he disappears/finds someone else and leaves you devastated. The sooner you wake up from the fantasy, the better off you'll be. Trust me, I've been there.

Since this "relationship" is all online, you should consider seeking out a real-life companion that loves and respects YOU for you.

Good Luck.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby rivergirl » Sat Sep 21, 2013 11:42 pm

This sounds very much like my ex after we broke up the first time. I was nearly out of my mind obsessed with how to get him to talk to me again. I convinced myself that he was depressed and that's why he wasn't communicating. I told myself that depressed people often shut out those closest to them. It wasn't true. He'd met someone else.

His refusal to respond to your messages, whether deliberate or just part of his disordered nature, dishonors you and your friendship. Stop communicating with him. You can't make him respond. Even if he does come around, you'll go through the same cycle again. If you have a romantic link with him, this is all you'll ever have...this cycle. You won't be able to go back to friendship.

Block him on Facebook. Delete his number from your phone. You'll miss him very badly, but do it anyway. Oh, and when you do block him, that's when he'll come back around. Be ready for that.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby Chained » Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:33 pm

Evian, you need a professional to talk to and help you. I say this because I know it's going to take a lot of people telling you this to get you to do it, so I'm adding my tiny weight to the scale.

You need to focus on you and fix you. You are distracting yourself from that fact focusing on him and his problems. You'll get older and wiser and eventually learn this, but if you seek real hep now, you can get there faster.

He is not the problem, you are.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby evian » Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:51 pm

I actually have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (not thvengeful elements, but the dependent ones) and have been working establishing healthy boundaries for a number of months now. I am not distracting from my problems, he is my friend and I cannot turn away from a friend when they display such signs of depression when I try to ignore them, so I strike a compromise and try to be encouraging but not let them drive me to despair. Unfortunately there is no ""compromise" with a person with NPD

I am not sure why his having a problem is being precluded here. I want him to be happy and everybody else is enabling him without realizing it because they don't know he has a problem.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby Wisedude » Sun Sep 22, 2013 10:19 pm

Everyone has said that you should keep away from him basically.

Your post history shows that every post you have made on here seems to be about this guy.

From what it says in one of your previous posts you have "met him once in real life".

The impression I get is that you are obsessing over this person.

You are also trying to diagnose him and psychoanalyze him when you are not qualified to do so.

It would seem likely that this person is not interested in you, but you don't seem willing to take no for an answer.

It doesn't sound like you have had much of a "relationship" with this person at all.

Exactly how have you been "romantically" involved with this person?
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby Chejave » Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:53 pm

Evian, I'm curious about something. You mentioned a romantic link with your friend. I assume that means that you had some sort of romance, and the romance ended. If that is true, then the details about how the romantic aspect ended (or was suspended) might be worth mentioning. Did your friend withdraw from the romance unilaterally? Was the romance ended or suspended as the result of a mutual decision that was discussed openly? Did you end the romance unilaterally (or might your friend have interpreted it that way)?

I'm just asking because I have a friend who I'm pretty sure was on the *opposite* side of this sort of general picture. Depending on the answer to the above questions, if it sounds similar to my friend's story I might be able to elaborate my understanding of my friend's situation in case it might be helpful.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby evian » Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:20 am

We both have Asperger's Syndrome and our social networks are almost entirely online. It is not easy to explain in a way that make sense if coming from an understanding of narcissistic traits alone. I have two qualifiably narcissistic parents and am able to recognize behavior that is disordered in this way. All my posts are about him because I joined as a way to talk about this anonymously as he has made great effort to isolate m from/ make me look crazy to mutual friends.

-- Sun Sep 22, 2013 9:24 pm --

It is characteristic of Asperger's to appear obsessed in a way that is hard to understand to those without it about things of importance to them, to clarify further.
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Re: Desperately need help knowing how to respond to narcissi

Postby BlueFlower » Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:46 am

evian wrote:... made great effort to isolate m from/ make me look crazy to mutual friends.



Sorry...

He's made a "great effort" to make you look crazy, and "likes" making you feel uncomfortable.

These aren't exactly the hallmarks of a healthy relationship. More like, you're trying to get your emotional needs met from a with-holding, abusive and unavailable online acquaintance.

Won't work.

Besides, you should know that the NP/Borderline combo is disaster. Cut your losses and move on.
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