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Apologizing to a narcissist

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Apologizing to a narcissist

Postby SillySalmon » Sat Jul 27, 2013 6:13 am

So I got in a fght with my NM because I let my feelings get the better of me, instead of leaving the situation. I made the mistake of actually trying to point out her abusive behavior and call her out on it. Stupid, I know, because all that did was provoke her to be more abusive. But now I've realized that I was wrong about a few things in the argument. I'm not justifying the way she reacted, but I did say a few things that were incorrect, and I feel like I should apologize, because admitting your mistakes is an important step toward overcoming narcissistic tendencies, which I'm also trying to do as I've picked up a lot over the years.

So should I apologize or not? I know it's not going to change anything. In her opinion I'm wrong no matter what, so all she's going to do is use it as fodder against me. Still, I'm torn between doing the right thing and taking responsibility for my mistake, or protecting myself from more abuse; I'm not unwilling to apologize, I'm just afraid she's going to use it to hurt me. What do I do?
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Re: Apologizing to a narcissist

Postby rivergirl » Sat Jul 27, 2013 6:35 am

I would ask yourself what your intentions for apologizing are. If they are to get things back on track with your NM...bring a return to calm, then go with a "it's not you, it's me" approach. That is pretty much, in my experience, the only apology that works with a narcissist.

Ultimately, you can't control what she does, regardless of how you apologize. The N's mind is not going to process things the way you say them or intend them to be heard. If you share too much of how you're feeling, you may open yourself up for more abuse. So if you want to apologize, but protect yourself from more abuse, keep it simple, and give your NM a way to take back her feelings of power. Even if it's a false power.
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Re: Apologizing to a narcissist

Postby DNoble1389 » Sat Jul 27, 2013 4:51 pm

Keep in mind this is coming from someone with no emotions whatsoever towards actually dealing my own N parents.

Think of it this way. If your mom really has NPD, she won that argument no matter what you said. She may have Already moved on from the situation. Either by creating another reality, or just by choosing to "forget" it has happened. IT'S YOU that feels bad, and that may make her happy. If you tell her you're sorry, and that you feel better that may be too intimate, and my actually make her more angry. OR it will make you a more stable supply source in her eyes.

If you are a supply source, and your mom is more covert she's not going to do anything to jeopardize one of her close supply sources. If you're not a supply source then she really doesn't care about what happened anyway. IMO
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Re: Apologizing to a narcissist

Postby Tempo » Sat Jul 27, 2013 7:25 pm

SillySalmon wrote:So should I apologize or not?


Nah, don't waste your breath.

I know it's not going to change anything. In her opinion I'm wrong no matter what, so all she's going to do is use it as fodder against me. Still, I'm torn between doing the right thing and taking responsibility for my mistake, or protecting myself from more abuse; I'm not unwilling to apologize, I'm just afraid she's going to use it to hurt me. What do I do?


Even if you did say some things that were incorrect, you were just defending yourself from her abusive behavior. Let it go and forget about the situation. That's what I'd do.
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Re: Apologizing to a narcissist

Postby SillySalmon » Sat Jul 27, 2013 9:37 pm

I guess I can let this go, then. I mean, I don't see any hope of getting things on track - there's no track to get things back on in the first place. I just feel conflicted in these situations. I'm trying to better myself as a person and control my own narcissistic tendencies, but it's hard to practice modifying my behavior when it comes to Mom, because Mom doesn't play by the rules. It's incredibly frustrating and confusing, and it only leads to more guilt, because if I don't act the way I feel I'm supposed to, then I feel like I'm a bad person - but if I do act the way I feel I should, then I give her more power. It's a no win situation with her.
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Re: Apologizing to a narcissist

Postby lilo » Thu Aug 01, 2013 1:18 am

SillySalmon wrote:It's a no win situation with her.

Give a sincere 'thanks', cut ties, and don't look back. There, you just won the game. :D

After awhile, maybe months, maybe years, maybe decades, when the reverberations in your head finally stop and you can look at the face in the mirror and see a whole person, perhaps there might be time to see if there is anything worth salvaging. Like as not, you just might find, on reflection, that it's not worth the bother. There is no shame in walking away and finding your own path.

Best o' luck. :D
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