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Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby computerology » Sun Dec 15, 2013 8:12 pm

It took a year plus of NC but i have now had my first taste of a flying monkey.

My sister called me out of the blue given the holiday season, i used to host boxing day gatherings and given all that has gone on i have stopped so she was checking to see if it was still on.

Turns out that a long time ago she had put away a gold coin for me as my GC sister got heirlooms from her family and the other kids got an inheritance from their grandfather, part of it was these coins. She had stored it in the family safety deposit box and through the years it had gone "missing". (Nmom has the keys).

Well now that i am NC with the NM and EF it bas magically reappeared (im of the mind that she just didnt want me to have it, man i could have used money to get on my feet after being booted out and into forced homelessness at 17 in a rural area). While i could care less about the value of it because i never knew my sister had even put it aside for me in the first place it seems a wry time foe it to magically reappear.

The plot thickens though. My sister called me offering to give it to my brother who loaned me some money in a bind 4-5 years ago, because i apparently "owe him money for my boat and he really wants to see my boat but i havent let him". I said that would be a great idea because i would like to see him get the money back and the coin was his grandfathers so i would be happy for him to have it, especially seeing as i never knew it was reserved for me in the first place.

Well my brother loaned me the money in 09 and saved my bacon as my business had just failed, i was set to go to court against a zany woman and i was looking for a job. I had gotten bonuses over the years and offered to pay him back in whole or in part multiple times and he always said he never really expected to see the money back and was very lassiez faire about getting a check, cash or electronic wire.

In 2012 i got a $15k bonus and bought the boat and again was offering to pay him back and received the same response.

So good old NM is obviously behind this bullcrap rumour, because my loan from my brother and my boat are in no way connected. Under no circumstances do i owe money to my brother "for my boat". Further ive offered to take him and his wife sailing a few times and he hasnt taken me up on it due to time and scheduling, in no way is he "hoping to see my boat but i have not let him".

I always knew that NM would be working behind the scenes to try to tarnish my character.. This is why i have them on information blackout. They can only do so much damage if they are operating on data over a year old. So i am not entirely surprised. My brothers loan to me also seems lkke a very fitting wedge issue for her to try to twist and to say im a prick for having a boat and spending money on it while my "poor poor brother" is patiently waiting for the loan to be repaid is pretty well the only game shes got.

So with gold at $1300 an ounce and the sentimental value of the coin my ingenious sister in giving him this long lost treasure she will write off the debt that he wasnt too concerned about being paid back for, eliminate the NMs only wedge issue and in the process will come out sailing with me and with my brother who she will drag aboard. NM and EF spend all their time with the GC sister so these siblings are in the "ignored" role and feel like outsiders.

My sister was quite shocked to hear the true story of the loan, the boat and the repayment offers. Shed knows NMs games as she is the oldest and was already in her mid teens when EF remarried and met NM. She isnt much for drama but i could tell from the inflection of her voice that she realized at that very moment that she had been played.

Damn narcissists.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby PKUSA » Sun Dec 15, 2013 9:46 pm

I'm happy things are working out for you. I hate to be critical (lord knows you got enough of that), but be sure to capitalize your "i"s. As an adult man, you're entitled to use the letter "I" to describe yourself, good or bad. We deserve healthy egos. It's not being narcissistic to be proud of our genuine accomplishments and to have an identity. Pardon me if this was simply a typo on your part of if I'm intruding.

Observation about money: NPD parents hand out criticism with a shovel and financial support with an eyedropper. After my life savings were spent on the school she demanded I attend or be thrown out on the street (beloved by her because the GC loved the university), I was struggling to get by. I wasn't dying by any means but at the time the $300 a month she sent me for a year or so was very useful. I never asked for the money. Of course, years later I heard from a spiteful baby of the family that she had told everyone in earshot about how she had given me money and I was so ungrateful.

In adulthood, I often talk with colleagues and co-workers about what they're doing for their college-age and young adulthood children to send them out into the world and I'm jealous: One bought them all cars, paid for the college educations, apartments, books, and even food. When these mother birds throw their chicks out of the nest, the chicks are fully grown and their stomachs are full. This is what normal, healthy parents are like. Others are much less fortunate.

I found it puzzling that some people are so inquisitive about my personal business and then like to offer, and then push, unsolicited and even unwanted advice. As a person whose been a victim of narcissists, I'm very cautious about plying people for personal details about their lives and offering advice because I accept responsibility for it. If I advise someone to do something and it goes wrong, I feel bad about it. In addition, I put my money where my big mouth is and if a friend needs help, I offer it. So that also curbs my inquisitive tendencies.

Narcissists seem to care about other people by asking them for details about their lives but rather the opposite: They like to use other people as lab rats to prove their pet theories about their wisdom. This is why they are so stingy with backing up their opinions with cash. It's about making them feel good and giving up cash is not a net benefit to them. So be wary about people who seem overly interesting in the personal details about your life. That's how narcissists get their hooks into you.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby computerology » Sun Dec 15, 2013 10:12 pm

Good thoughts.
The lack of capitalization at times is because i am on a tablet.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Wowsers » Tue Feb 11, 2014 5:28 pm

Thanks for the wonderful post. Although it is difficult revisiting so many familiar feelings, it is also encouraging to know that I am not alone. I have only just discovered that I am the son of a narcissistic mother. It has been so painful yet at the same time enlightening. Best of all, I feel a great weight has lifted since I no longer blame myself for all my problems. I was always afraid of being disloyal by blaming my mother and my enabling father, as well as my golden child brother. They have ganged up on me from the very beginning. Fortunately, I do not hold the same resentment towards my brother because now I realize that he is a victim as well. Unfortunately, however, I cannot associate with him because he will never understand what has been done to us all of our lives and my mother uses him as a pawn to heap on further abuse. My father is oblivious to my mother's mental issues and is in fact somewhat narcissistic as well. I have been sad and heartbroken lately because of all these new realizations and also because my mother has now started in on my spouse and my children. I will soon be removing all of us from her destructive influence. Thanks again and good luck to all of you out there struggling with the same issues.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby computerology » Wed Apr 23, 2014 6:32 pm

Yes Wowsers,

It is somewhat liberating to realize that the reason you were never accepted for who you really are, or the reason that you were never good enough, has some explanation.

I recall in my own scenarios, constantly wondering why, oh why, is it that I could bring such good news of my life to my so called "parents" only to have it shot down as inconsequential and have my golden child sister's meagre accomplishments tossed in my face.

It is a long road though. Once you realize that NPD is behind it, you will realize a million other things that will make you sad, mad, hurt, alone, and a variety of other very strong feelings.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby BlitheBotolf » Fri Oct 30, 2015 5:36 pm

I've only recently discovered that I'm the child of a NM; at 52 years of age. With every little bit I learn through therapy and reading, more pieces fall into place. This week was when the picture really snapped into focus.

I was working with my therapist on some core ideas/beliefs around self-worth that have mostly been like a brick wall to me. We were using EMDR, starting with a clear memory of one of my NM's public critiques of me when I was a teenager. Like other times using EMDR, there was a moment when my memory eventually changed from being something I was re-living to something I was observing. Instead of her diminishing me to my face, it was like I was watching from a distance as she did it. That's when the clouds parted, and I was seeing her critical nature and routine demeaning of any effort or accomplishment I made in an entirely different light.

Afterwards, my therapist gently suggested that my mother could be a narcissist, and he talked a bit about narcissistic trauma and recent studies on its effects. Since then, I've started reading about narcissistic parents and the family dynamics of narcissism. Wow. There's nothing like the uncomfortable but liberating feeling of recognizing so much of what's characterized my life in others' stories of their narcissistic parents, or in articles written by clinicians & researchers.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby livingnlearing2 » Fri Oct 30, 2015 7:59 pm

i am female and just coming into the realization about my mother. but i have a brother and there have been so many things that I just could not understand. And one of them was that when my brother married, my mother seemed to incredibly invested in having an opinion of his marriage. And she was in direct competition with his wife's mother. The details are irrelevant but what i do remember is the degree of venom. It always perplexed me. My brother was always a mess and he has always run to my mother in some degree or another. And the N mother has always had a emeshed relationship with him because of her guilt for abandoning him. She would never self-identify it as guilt though. Anyway, last summer, his ex-wife, they had divorced, was dying of a brain tumor. They have 2 kids. My brother runs to my mother that the Ex wanted to talk to him and well, I believe make some peace with her dying and her life. My mother outright told my brother to thank her very much and hang up. That is how evil she is on some level. A dying woman wants some peace and she STILL managed to control my brother's actions. She did die. And My mother was also playing another game with my brother and sister... namely to through them, coerce my brother into not leaving the property he was living in which was my fathers who wanted him to move out. Long story on that. But the net outcome? My brother and sister have now been removed from my father's will. They have no idea that one part has been entirely left to me and the rest, only going to those sibling's kids. They all became pawns of my mother. It gave her so much PURPOSe and drama to be in the middle of that. To sit from far (she lived 2k miles from my brother) and appear to 'help' him. Though I am not sure when she ever dropped any part of her life to go actually help and sacrifice for him. Words, words. No action.

It seems hard to believe sometimes. But for my mother, controlling my brother was all about making up for he failed role in his life as his mother in his later years (from 12 on). It is pretty sick. My brother's life has for the most part, been a failure. That may seem harsh but I think it's true. He has battle substance addictions since 14. Been arrested many times. Lost his wife, home, children. Who knows where he is living. And at 49, without an effort to go to rehab and therapy, there isn't much hope. And he continues to champion his mother, unable to see how she has actually helped destroy his life. He has an almost psychotic defense of her as this wonderful, pious, fragile woman. And she will never employ 'tough love' with him because that would mean perhaps losing control of his daily life and of him. Its quite sad he can't see it but then again, I have been in therapy and worked hard on myself and I am just getting it now myself. He is in such profound denial and fog, I don't think there is much hope for him. :(
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby MeAgain » Fri Oct 30, 2015 8:18 pm

Mine is a benign control freak. When I'm with her there is nothing I can do to steer the conversation away from me. It's like she cannot let go of the child she gave birth to. Dad insists it's just what mothers should be like. And a part of me agrees with him!
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby Animosity » Sun Nov 01, 2015 7:30 am

The enmeshment is incredibly annoying, I've seen her attempt it with every single one of her friends without them knowing.

I wish she'd stop being so dense and back off from me for once.
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Re: Sons of Narcissistic Mothers (Adult or otherwise)

Postby BlueFlower » Sun Nov 01, 2015 4:27 pm

PKUSA wrote:Observation about money: NPD parents hand out criticism with a shovel and financial support with an eyedropper.


True.

After my father passed away when I was 12, dear NM used his life insurance to join a cult, buy a car for a felon-boyfriend and get skin treatments. Among other things, she got a lifetime "membership" to a now-defunct dating service, and ignored the fact that the home we were living in had no air conditioning or useable oven. (Not that there was decent food to cook anyways.)

Fast forward 30 years, and my daughter earns her way into a Phd program at a private university. Suddenly, NM accuses me of being "financially irresponsible" for not saving 200 grand for her college, and her previous offer of paying for my children's first year of school isn't mentioned. (Not only was I totally independent at 18, I paid for my own wedding, cars and home--so she's completely full of sh*t.)

No matter. I knew that if she even contributed 1 dollar to my daughter's education, that woman would take credit for putting her "brilliant grand-daughter through school," while implying I was failure as a parent. Thankfully this contributes to me being No Contact.

The lesson here is: the less you rely on a narc (for anything,) the better off you'll be. That old witch will kick it, and I'm sure her money will be directed to some plant society or a pseudo-religious group. Or, she will die penniless after languishing in a nursing home by herself. I won't care either way.

Sorry to all of you who have suffered a similar fate; and those of you who are only now becoming aware of the dysfunctions of an NPD mother. The only way it gets easier is to accept the REALITY that your "mother" isn't--and won't ever be--a "mother' in the normal sense of the word. And to limit or cut contact with the source of the toxicity.

PS: Ya'll know the story of Snow White? It really wasn't her stepmother that wanted her dead---it was her own mother. The original story was changed because the concept of a mother being that jealous and hateful to their own child wasn't something an audience wanted to hear about.
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