Not a Victim wrote:This is all very touching indeed. How can you explain the selectiveness that narcs exhibit so well? for example, nastiness towards the loved ones - significant others, parents and especially innocent kids, who for sure have no clue or understanding of your complex and misunderstood nature, and at the same time reverence and subservience for someone like your boss? Why you treat the people who love you badly, while you would never consider doing the same towards people who you depend on - like your supervisor or someone with more power?
Somehow your conflicted nature is suddenly kept in check.
There are two types of people to the narc. There are people we feed from and all other people. For me there are a lot of people, such as some co-workers, boss, and family etc... that I just go on auto-pilot around. Its kind of a set personality that I don't have to put any energy into or think about. I know who these people expect me to be and i have observed them long enough to know just the bare minimum I have to do to appease them and stay under their radar i suppose. What I mean by staying under the radar is doing just enough without provoking them to ask questions, or want anything more from me.
Now with my family its interesting because they have known me my whole life. They have seen me as a child and they all already know how weird i am, so my auto-pilot for them can seem rude because I don't even have to turn on the additional switch of appearing nice. They know I am mean and they know i don't talk to them and they know there is something off with me so there is no pressure there. I'm not normal and they already know that so no need to try. I made my aunt ball her eyes out one year around the holidays just because I talked to her. Thought that was so weird, but it gives you an idea of how much I ignore my family because I can. I don't do this to be mean either. I do it because that is what is most comfortable to me. I don't get anything from my family emotionally, so if I was to give something to them then I would just be expending energy without any return. This doesn't mean I don't have issues at work. I have had troubles with co-workers and I have made my boss cry a few times, but only because I knew I had the upper hand at that time because I was making her lots of money. I am more careful what I say and how I appear right now to my boss because I quit and got re-hired and i don't have the same clout I once had. I have went off on a few co-workers when i feel they have dis-respected me. but, all these people to me are considered "the other people". I don't intentionally try to feed from them. They can be a side supply at times if I feel they are jealous of me in some way or other things but they are insignificant to me. So they mostly get the auto-pilot version of me.
Now for people I do all my feeding from its a very different story indeed. I depend on these people. They are very important to me. More important than my family. Even more important than my own daughter. The only people I feed from are my lovers. I will date both men and women, but I prefer men. These are the only people that give me life. These are the only people that can make me have feelings. Well, good feelings I should say. Yes, I can feel something when my boss or some other person outside my feeding zone compliments me in some way, but its just not my main source and does not suffice. It's these people whom I feed on that are so important to me, but they are also the ones that get to deal with the entirety of my NPD. Well, my daughter has to deal with the entirety of my NPD too of course, but since i don't feed off her my NPD to her just feels like extreme avoidance. NPD to the people we feed from includes isolation, manipulation, and intolerance towards any view of us that does not make us feel perfect. This all takes an extreme amount of effort and energy. I put in the energy because I get so much back out of it. I think each narc feeds from different things in their own way. Its just all a matter of what or who they see as being in their feeding zone that will determine which NPD traits are activated.