How To Communicate With My Father?

Eight wrote:I was told that in an impossible situation I have only 3 choices:

I can change it.
I can leave it.
I can accept it.

That is a very interesting approach to the problem. The problem with N's (and I've seen it explicitly in my father) is that they believe in a sense of entitlement, that things are rightfully demanded and not earned. Most of the time, changing it or leaving it is incredible difficult. I know that my father always needs the last say, and believes he has the more educated, superior and well-defined approach. He claims that it all comes from experience, but refuses to let me divulge experiences of my own.

@TOR

I also had a massive feeling of resentment against my father until now. I would complain to my mother (who was very compassionate about the situation) about his excessive lecturing, self-deserving attitude and (sometimes) ignorance - as to how much he discredited my intelligence. Is your father regularly engaged in business interstate.etc I know that i developed the initial resentment from that. He was never home, but expected that I would be completely admirable towards him when he returned. Whenever I confronted him after being lectured (for 20 minutes + at a time), I couldn't help but lose myself and rage/cry. I think that stemmed from a lack of self-confidence, but the confidence only really builds with growing independence. As you said, you don't particularly want to bond with your father, but eventually there shouldn't be a need to.

Australianne wrote:He has no power over you other than the power you choose to give him. OK perhaps he's financially supporting you right now, but your emotions are your own. You will learn to do this in time. Everything that happens in your head is out of his control.

The resentment still existed due to me not being able support myself financially. Whenever I wasn't overtly gracious about meals, or food in the fridge, or opportunities to go to dinner with my parent's friends, I was told that I was "taking advantage of the lifestyle". In fact, I was doing the opposite by expressing freedom of choice. In the end, you must show respect, but make sure you are entirely in control of your own emotions. Every argument may bring you to your knees, but...

As you indirectly prove that you are independent, he will realise that you have become whatever "he planned" for you. Of course, you will have become your own person and not his - but at last he may relax, and you won't be bothered so much. It's very difficult to convince a parent that you are no longer a child, in any situation, but time should tell. It's a rollercoaster for sure. I really hope things work out for you.

I too was accused of taking advantage of their home, when they invited me home for break.

Ages 8-12

The reason why I never get lectured for more than, say, 5 or 10 minutes, is because I have never done anything wrong. Even as a child, I was extremely well behaved, they say. Apparently, I rarely cried and always had the best manners of any other child my age. Now, that quickly changed in late elementary school and middle school. Must have had to do with puberty, but I started lashing out on my parents like they have never seen. What used to be a relatively shy, introverted child, quickly turned into a passive-aggressive young teen who would humiliate his parents publicly and held them emotionally hostage. In school, increasingly out-going and eventually became friends with literally everyone in school. I only dated upper class-men, and saw myself as a sort of "pimp", as did everyone else. Though once I came home, I let out the rage.

Ages 15-present

My mom threatened to send me to a doctor regarding my anger, so I simmered down a bit. I got good at repressing my rage. Also, I had been in relationships on and off from middle-school up until college, so that helped A LOT with staying clam.

Although, now that I see that my rage was well deserved, and now that I have been single for the longest amount of time since before middle-school, I can not help myself. I feel I am becoming more anti-social by the day.

TiredOfRepression21 wrote:I too was accused of taking advantage of their home, when they invited me home for break.

Ages 8-12

The reason why I never get lectured for more than, say, 5 or 10 minutes, is because I have never done anything wrong. Even as a child, I was extremely well behaved, they say. Apparently, I rarely cried and always had the best manners of any other child my age. Now, that quickly changed in late elementary school and middle school. Must have had to do with puberty, but I started lashing out on my parents like they have never seen. What used to be a relatively shy, introverted child, quickly turned into a passive-aggressive young teen who would humiliate his parents publicly and held them emotionally hostage. In school, increasingly out-going and eventually became friends with literally everyone in school. I only dated upper class-men, and saw myself as a sort of "pimp", as did everyone else. Though once I came home, I let out the rage.

Ages 15-present

My mom threatened to send me to a doctor regarding my anger, so I simmered down a bit. I got good at repressing my rage. Also, I had been in relationships on and off from middle-school up until college, so that helped A LOT with staying clam.

Although, now that I see that my rage was well deserved, and now that I have been single for the longest amount of time since before middle-school, I can not help myself. I feel I am becoming more anti-social by the day.

Ah, well I wasn't lectured for things I had done wrong - I was lectured for things that I could do wrong in the future. I was a real dick in primary school, and then changed throughout middle/senior school, so we differ there. My mum also refused to acknowledge whether I had an actual problem. I wouldn't say that there's anything "wrong" with being more anti-social, but how you spend that down time is your own decision. Channeling your emotions into something productive always seems to help me. Eventually, anti-social activities might encourage you to find reasons for being social.

Since being single and away from home, I have gotten progressively more violent. Now, my therapist has already told me I am "apathetic", and went as far as saying I tend to not feel guilt. One side of me wants a girl to keep me stable and mindful, but another part of me wants to know just how far I can go.

TiredOfRepression21 wrote:Since being single and away from home, I have gotten progressively more violent. Now, my therapist has already told me I am "apathetic", and went as far as saying I tend to not feel guilt.

I can understand that. I'm still living at home, but I'm so busy that my parents don't see much of me. I worry that when I leave, I'll do whatever I want, whenever I want. Thankfully, being involved with a lot of activities (like spending time with a girl) tends to distract you, and add to that grandeur image that we love. Part of me wants to destroy and kill everything, and the other part wants to be known as a very valuable person in society. One path leads to prison, the other leads to success. Again, we have a choice.

coralkip wrote:... the other part wants to be known as a very valuable person in society.

How so?

I want people to admire me for what I am, I want to be at the top. I can do that by becoming a complete villain, or I can become God. Being a villain is only temporary, but being God is worthwhile.

coralkip wrote:I want people to admire me for what I am, I want to be at the top. I can do that by becoming a complete villain, or I can become God. Being a villain is only temporary, but being God is worthwhile.

The first half of your sentence sounds genuine. Being admired for what we are is something all humans long for.

So, what would be your ideal version of this "god" or "villian" that you can so easily morph into?

It is genuine, people want to be admired - although N's have a bit of assuming that most people are greatly selfish.

My ideal version of being a villain is reflected in my first post on this site. I want to kill, and to become a notorious serial killer. I want people to fear me.

My ideal version of being God, is being someone who has very high positions of authority, who is praised and wanted by others.

In the end, both of the desires are attention-seeking, but one leads to admiration, and the other leads to vilification.

coralkip wrote:It is genuine, people want to be admired - although N's have a bit of assuming that most people are greatly selfish.

Hm, Really? .. If people were so selfish, I wouldn't have nearly as many friends as I do now.. Nons are itching for a reason to give themselves to me, but I do not humor mediocre attempts at affection. They fail to impress..over, and over again.

coralkip wrote:My ideal version of being a villain is reflected in my first post on this site. I want to kill, and to become a notorious serial killer. I want people to fear me.

What is so appealing to you about fear? I, personally, can enjoy intimidating women with my confident looks and speech, but only to knock them off their axis a bit.. I would never want my public image to be such a horrific one.. Please explain, I am interested.