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Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

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Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Jeenaleena » Sun Nov 04, 2012 7:37 pm

Hi everyone,

need to vent or I will just do something seriously bad to her....

For years now, I have been watching her smear campaign from a distance, how one by one she isolated me from the whole family. Not having a dad around and no-one else to stand up to her for what she is, I did not want to get involved, as I think I might have BPD and trying very hard not to give in to the rage....was always hoping that people will eventually count one and one together.

Now - my younger brother, who she successfully over the years slowly but surely turned against me (golden child)..has had an epilepsy attack and despite me worrying my head off, she keeps telling him that I don't care for him and never have. She now took him back to the original country we are from and denies me all access. I don't want to aggravate the situation more by booking a ticket and flying to that country as of course, she is very well connected there (like many others she is quite high up in her job) and will get me into trouble. She already tried to get me committed once by bribing the doctors. To cut a long story short - and please excuse if I am too wound up - to make sense.....I am very close to just take the risk and go over there to prove to my brother that all of this is not true. The reason he is in Uni and out of that stupid, corrupt country of hers, is because of me...but of course she keeps spoiling him and throwing money at him and unfortunately he is at the age where he falls for the easy life. He has a severe computer addiction, which I am battling for years with him against, but what does she do, she buys him a brand new laptop for £2000 - which is specifically designed for gaming. All my efforts down the drain again...so at the moment, I am the bad cop in his eyes, cause I tell him off for not going to uni, and tell him to be independent and try and get a job etc - whereas she "rewards" him for failing, caters to every whim of his just to keep him next to her in case her new lover boy is not there for her. When lover boy does treat her nicely though, she could not give two pence about my brother, who I guess deals with this by locking himself and playing games for 12 hours at a time.

My fault is as well, I guess, that when brother did come to me with complaints about her, I always tried to reassure him that no matter how badly she treated him, she does love him in her own way. I now hate myself for doing this - but I thought at the time, there is nothing worse for a child than thinking his/her mother does not love him. Because when someone told me that for the first time, I ovedosed 'cause I could not handle the harsh reality of it. She of course does not care enough to protect his feelings and always presents that no one else apart from her loves him. Oh man, I made so many mistakes now in hindsight!

Please someone help me, I will lose it with her big time..and will do something stupid. I watched her smear campaign against me from a distance for too long and never wanted to get involved in all the games. I also never really slagged her off to my brother, for I did not want to burden the boy with more than he already has to bear - but she has, and now my relationship with him is down the drain:-( And now he is in hospital in another country, and I am not being allowed access but he is being told that I dont come for I don't care. What can I do?? It s all so hopeless. All I want to do is confront her in her face and ask her to tell me in my face the same things she is telling him. But this will never go well, because any confrontation will result in me being either hospitalized against my will or even worse she will bribe the cops to put me in jail.

I went to see my counsellor today, but he tells me I ve done enough and there is nothing I can do:-(((( The thing is she told me for many years, that my dad never loved me and never cared, and only now - at the age of 32 do I have proof that all this was never true. She made life so hard for my dad to have access. She even dodged adoption papers, forged his signature and signed away his parenting rights to another man. However, even having physical proof of this, the relationship with my dad can never fully recover for I have not been allowed to foster any kind of child-father bond and I feel awkward around him (and he around me)....I was going round with soooo much pain in my teens, sooo much pain, thinking my "dad would not care enough to p$$$ on me if I was on fire" like she said...and now I know all this hurt was for NOTHING. And I don't want my little brother to go through this pain as well...for absolutely NOTHING.

Please someone help me.
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Shazam » Sun Nov 04, 2012 8:14 pm

Your mother sounds like a nightmare. My condolences to you for ending up with that type of mother. When I have stood up to my mom in the past, she has engaged in a lesser degree of reputation-smearing on me... it is a powerful weapon and some people are experts when they wield it.

I don't know what you can do to help your brother. Our parents have incredible power over our minds, far more power than our siblings, so if it's you versus mom, mom is probably going to win.

Based on what I have learned about narcissist mothers, it seems like yours has placed you in the 'scapegoat' role and your brother in the 'golden child' role. From what I've learned, the scapegoat usually has a much better chance of seeing the mother for who the mother really is -- and therefore a better chance of becoming independent. But this seems to require keeping significant distance from the mother, and perhaps even avoiding contact altogether.

My best wishes to you. You are in my thoughts.
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Jeenaleena » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:19 pm

Thank you, Shazam. Are you still NC with your mum? Were you forced into NC with younger siblings, too?

I think the fight has already been lost. My counsellor said that I was trained from a young age into the rescuer role, that's why it is so hard for me to let my brother go and learn for himself and make his own decisions. I feel a great sense that I have let him down, not done enough, left him in her claws...

I am so sad today....so much hurt, so much wasted life and so much needless pain...all for the supply of one twisted person:-(
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby margharris » Sun Nov 04, 2012 9:46 pm

Yours is truly horrid awful for me to hear. I relive so much through what you say. My only regret is my brother too. I dispensed with my mother for years. But my brother, he was with her for too long as the golden child. He believed her words and she turned him against me. In my hurry to leave I abandoned my brother. Ultimately she turned on him when she remarried. She could never cope with him having a girlfriend. She neglected and abused him and so he left with his girl. He has never spoken to her since. He rarely speaks to me. Never ever has sort me out. I think I parented him so much growing up because I was the eldest. He didn't have that feeling of responsibility for me. I left him is what he saw. I just have piles of regret that I couldn't have done better.

I hear what you say but like me you have to let your brother find his way himself. I would send a letter to him and say how you feel. I would mention your regrets. Just letting him know you really care might be a help. I wouldn't try to go to this other country. You need to find your own strength and that means you need to be a long way from her. Turning yourself into something you can be proud of is the best two finger salute you can give her. Look after yourself well. All this pain and energy of anger will pass. You are in the middle of it right now. Stay strong and ride it out. Marg
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Shazam » Sun Nov 04, 2012 10:30 pm

Jeenaleena wrote:Thank you, Shazam. Are you still NC with your mum? Were you forced into NC with younger siblings, too?


I have never gone NC with my mom. I am lucky in that she is tolerable enough that the cons of NC outweigh the pros. She doesn't have her same sway over me too much any more, and I am no longer afraid to say no.

Though I will soon be tested... just a few days ago mom sent me an email "i want to take you to lunch next week," which means she has some sort of manipulation she wants to apply. At this point in our relationship, I am actually amused and curious to find out what she wants to pull this time. I will report it back to my wife, and we will laugh at it.

I am only child, so no sibs involved. although my stepdad has the mind of a little boy, so since he came along (I was 12) he has always been like an annoying little stepbrother LOL. My mom treats him like dirt, for example, often telling him he doesn't know what he's talking about. He walks slow and she fast, and if they are with others walking, she will draw the others ahead, leaving him further and further behind, until one of the others eventually says "we should wait for him." He takes it all like a good boy, only rarely defending himself.
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Jeenaleena » Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:01 pm

[quote="margharris"]Yours is truly horrid awful for me to hear. I relive so much through what you say. My only regret is my brother too. I dispensed with my mother for years. But my brother, he was with her for too long as the golden child. He believed her words and she turned him against me.


Thank you both for your kind replies. This is the first time in 32 years I am speaking out - and any kind of support feels like a tremendous help 'cause I m still doubting whether I am exaggerating from time to time, or whether I am being too harsh on that woman.

I have to stay strong, but my world really fell apart today. I lived and worked for my brother. I left home at 19 cause I OD'ed as I could not take her abuse anymore and I felt so worthless at the time. Her response to this was that she was majorly inconvenienced cause she had to drive me to hospital to get my stomach pumped, hence had to cut her conversation short with her latest beau. She proceeded shouting abuse at me,just as I was released from the hospital. I came to England with nothing and I made a life for myself. I went to uni and studied and worked 13 hour shifts on the weekend to get myself through. All the while i had to maintain contact with her for my brother's sake. He used to stay with me every holiday - and I was his hero, we were really good friends. But then we he got into his teenager years, he got a little difficult as you can imagine...and when I asked him to clear up the dishes or something minor, he used to complain to her, which of course started a tirade against me, that I was keeping him to have a house slave round (?!). She never even gave him a penny for me to look after him and I was supporting him and myself with the part time student jobs money I had...My brother of course, as kids do, sensed his power of manipulation - and until this day continues playing us against each other. However, in her case his complaints are not of having to do chores or anything, it s more that she forces him to be her little pet whenever her current boyfriend doesnt pay her attention. She forces him to side with her, and rescue her - only to abandon him later. I find it also disturbing that she would parade her underwear for him, and when he obviously cringes - she goes off in a sulk, and does not understand that he is uncomfortable with this. Her reasoning is that she buys him his clothes, incl. his underwear, so why can't he look at things she buys for herself. It s so sickening!

For a long time, I felt sorry for her. She herself comes from a deranged background. When she left me with my adopted dad to go with her next beau (my brother's father), my granny kidnapped me and did not allow her access. When this did not show, my granny used to feign heart attacks, pretend she went loopy, go into hysterics - all the while just so that I report it back to my mum and thus she can maybe get my mum to come back to my adopted dad. I was only 6 years at the time and already had a severe stutter. I used to think my granny is my hero - but now I know I was nothing but a pawn in her power trip over my mother.

As of today I feel no more sorrow for my mum - that even she could stoop so low to hurt my brother and tell him I don't care about him and I never loved him (all the while whilst he is in hospital) - has killed something in me. I don't have any compassion left anymore for her. I took all of the beatings, the putdowns, the abuse, the tirades, the favouritism, the financial dependency, the broken relationships - everything she put upon me. I always ended up forgiving her and having compassion for her deranged mind. But no more. Today is a turning point for she went too far...and I thank you all for your support tonight. I made it through the day without hurting myself, and that is a big achievement.

-- Sun Nov 04, 2012 11:09 pm --

@ Shazam

Sorry, I don't know how to do quotes yet.

My stepdad (well, my third stepdad LOL) - my brother's dad...also used to be her little pet to abuse. Not an hour has gone by where she does not abuse him for the way he eats, talks, thinks etc....I don't care for him, cause he's been a little S&&& to me as well, when I was little. But now, I feel sorry for him sometimes, for when he was with her, he was so useless, could not hold a job down or have a normal conversation - not that she released him from her claws, and is on to the next beau - he is actually working for 2 years, and makes some kind of attempts to have a social life. But it is funny, I know she would only need to click her fingers, and he would be back there (they are still officially married, despite her seeing a married man for the last 8 years)...he would be back despite the cheating, the gaslighting and the knowing that she would turn him into a hollow man again. I feel sorrow for him now...not hatred anymore, I know he is nothing but a victim to her...and I pray to the Lord, that she will leave this man alone at least for him to enjoy whatever remaining years he has free from her abuse.

Wow! It is so freeing writing it all down. I can finally see how deranged she really is. Wow.
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Anais » Mon Nov 05, 2012 2:16 pm

Jeenaleena wrote:Thank you both for your kind replies. This is the first time in 32 years I am speaking out - and any kind of support feels like a tremendous help 'cause I m still doubting whether I am exaggerating from time to time, or whether I am being too harsh on that woman.


Hi, I relate to this very much. Sometimes there's so much guilt in leaving the parent - but they KNOW that about you very well and they will exploit your compassion and guilt for all it is worth. I agree with others that you can't save your brother. No contact is probably a very good avenue to look into for you. All the best.
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby computerology » Mon Nov 05, 2012 3:36 pm

OP: i totally understand your frustration. The 25 year long smear campaign on me by my N mother has been truly an angering and frustrating experience. Ive had girlfriends told they can do better than me, that i am angry and violent, even after getting engaged my mom took it upon herself to call my fiancees mom and "fill her in about the truth" which was all lies. My mothers friends that have never met me have nothing nice to say about me, my brothers and sisters hear that i dont have my act together, that im an alcoholic and into drugs, that my job is sketchy, no name it.

Once i realized that my mom was N and maternal narcissism explained my whole childhood, with the scapegoating, golden child, and rages for perverted reasons, i just gave up and made a big public display that i was going no contact, called everyone who might care and filled them in, and advised tyem that from this point forward anything my mom says about me is false because i will never be speaking to her in any way, ever, again.

It wont end the smear campaign, it will probably make it worse in the beginning, but everyone is now immunized as i explained the N playbook to them and even if they didnt beleive me then, when she starts saying that my girlfriend is two faced and is turning me against the family and that im a raging alcoholic they will have to take pause.

Sounds to me like no contact is your only option. Reach out to your brother and other family members regularly and often and try not to even discuss your mother. If they bring her up just change the subject, and dont get involved in mudslinging through triangulation (mudslinging your mother at them).

I have lived it like youve lived it. You will never get her to stop, and you will repeatedly be disappointed if and when you let her back in your life.
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby Jeenaleena » Mon Nov 05, 2012 9:17 pm

computerology wrote:OP: i totally understand your frustration. The 25 year long smear campaign on me by my N mother has been truly an angering and frustrating experience. Ive had girlfriends told they can do better than me, that i am angry and violent, even after getting engaged my mom took it upon herself to call my fiancees mom and "fill her in about the truth" which was all lies. My mothers friends that have never met me have nothing nice to say about me, my brothers and sisters hear that i dont have my act together, that im an alcoholic and into drugs, that my job is sketchy, no name it.

(...)
Sounds to me like no contact is your only option. Reach out to your brother and other family members regularly and often and try not to even discuss your mother. If they bring her up just change the subject, and dont get involved in mudslinging through triangulation (mudslinging your mother at them).

I have lived it like youve lived it. You will never get her to stop, and you will repeatedly be disappointed if and when you let her back in your life.



Thank you, computerology. This is really good advice. I guess in the past I have just always lost it with family members who used to ring me up and start shouting abuse at me for my poor poor mother. The stuff they were telling me was actually complete projection - but I guess it reinforced their idea that I am crazy. So, going forward I will just say: I don't want to talk about her. Let's talk about you. And continue repeating it or excuse myself and drop the conversation.

I don't even know why I am so scared of losing contact - I ve been in the UK for a third of my life on my own anyway. No one visited when I was in hospital with a kidney problem, no one came to graduation, no one ever helped with anything ever really...but underneath it s always the fear they put in you, that you won't make it without them. Whereas experience has always shown that I can work better and stay in relationships whenever my mom is out. As soon as she comes back in, I don't know what happens, I can't describe why I am so engulfed by her, but it s like no one else has space in my life and I end up breaking up with boyfriends and cutting out friends. I definitely want to change that.

As for my brother, I will definitely follow the advice given here and just let everything go for a while. For now, I need to focus on keeping my sanity but trying to talk to HIM, but having HER exact words coming out of his mouth - for now it s still quite hard for me to be honest. I still get angry.

Strangely, now that I have opened up about this for the first time in my life seriously - today a colleague came to me who is totally distraught. He was telling me about his dad as I overheard his conversation. He kept telling me how he was bullied and belittled as a young boy and until today his father seems to get some high out of it to continuously put him down. I was kind of really shocked, as the word Narcisst just kept flashing in my mind. I hope I have given the guy the support and comfort - all of you gave me yesterday. Once one has opened once eyes about them, I guess it is much easier to spot them a mile away. So, I guess, that's already a big mile stone in the long recovery process.

Could you all tell me a bit more about going NC - how did they react? Did they sort of go in a sulk for a bit, before launching a full on charm attack or feigning illness etc. I want to prepare myself and think this is what my mother will do. But I am scared that I won't have the courage to leave her when she is down the way she left and kicked me when I was down, so I think the only way to protect myself from myself sort of it to probably change all my phone numbers etc. But not sure, if confronting the guilt trip is the right method for recovery rather than running away?
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Re: Lost it now with my effing NPD excuse for a "mother"

Postby computerology » Tue Nov 06, 2012 4:34 am

While i cant give you a huge rundown or how no contact goes - its only been a few months for me... I can say that i was really surprised at how when i told my dad i was considering it they just made my move for me and they basically disowned me without a casual thought or inquiry, it may not go that way for you.

I do feel empathy though at being in the hospital and getting no support. I flatlned myself 18 times over two different nights and my mom knew nothing of it, when it was revealed she had barely a passing interest other than to look like she gived a damn when others were watching. Nary yas she asked me a question in private about how or why - and im glad. If she realized that it was due to a sulfite sensitivity id probably get fed sulfites so she could "save me" and bring me to hospital, and given that the only treatment is adrenaline, preserved with with sulfites by injection, i would have a 50/50 chance of surviving, i might be dead.
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