I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice, i am very confused!
I used to work with a team that were an early intervention team for young people with borderline personlaity disorder, i was discharged because i reached the age that their service ir for. No mental health workers i have ever worked with have suggested i have munchausen but i have recently been trying to find out what i do have as i am confused. The early intervention team did CBT with me, which worked but it has been about 2 years since the CBT and i can feel myself going back to the place i was back before the CBT. They said and a few other mental health workers that i have BPD but on another forum after explaining what i do they said it could be munchausen aswel?
Please don't judge me but this is what I do...
I have alot of problems with emotion and relationships but i also crave attention. I go out and get drunk, really drunk that more often than not i pass out, i do this on purpose so that i will end up on a&e. I purposly take drugs or drink, go out on the streets, put myself "in danger" lie around on the road etc... so that the police will come and pick me up, when they come, i put up a struggle, i do this because i enjoy it but also because i have been drinking, but i more often than not get arrested. I have before tried to break my arm etc to end up in hospital and have self harmed myself to get there. I really enjoy this, gives me a massive buzz, i think about what happened and just smile, i love it, i day dream about it and how i am going to "plan" my next one. Sometimes it gets beyond the point of not being in control and i pass out and get taken to hospital, sometimes with injuries, i love this aswel, love the feeling of waking up with docters and nurses there giving me attention.
I understand that its wrong but i just cant control myself not to do it, its obviously getting me into quite abit of trouble with the police and the hospital. I crave the attention from them, not just random people, its only like police, paramedics etc..
The guy who did CBT on me said it was because i wasn't getting attention when i was younger so i am now, taht makes sense but he couldnt come up with a reason for why its only the police etc..
I want them to like me. The police is abit different from the hospital, with the police i am actually drunk, not faking anything, i just enjoy being arrested, having that attention from them. With the hospital i do it for the attention but again im drunk and often do pass out so will need to go hospital anyway. They are slighty dfferent from each other?
I am aware of that I do, and aware its wrong, but its hard to control.