Our partner




I want to tell my story...

Munchausen Syndrome message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: CrackedGirl

I want to tell my story...

Postby Frankenstein1805 » Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:35 pm

I'm so so glad I found this forum, I've pretty much always known I've had Munchausens Syndrome but I've never admitted to it, I'm 16 and have probably had it for about 4 years, I know it's not long but I've got sick of my lies and feel so guilty when I'm lying in hospital with really sick children and people around me. The thing is I can't stop myself, I get a new idea of an illness into my head and thats it, something in me changes and it's as if I have to see it through. I think the reason I'm now admitting to it is that I was going to fake having hypoglycemia, I had my plan already, I was going to run into the pharmacy and say my nan desperately needs some insulin as her purse was stolen on the bus, pharmacists (sp?) are allowed to give out medicines without prescriptions if it is an emergency (as my story was) and I had all the fake details I would need to get this insulin injection. Then I wikipedia-ed it and one of the causes for hypoglyceamia in teens is ficticious injections and I thought to myself, they're gonna know this time.
I really can't understand why I do it, I must have been in hospital at least 30 times since I was 12 and I love it! I know, it sounds so sick but I can't help myself; the adrenaline rush when someone realises you're ill, the attention everyone gives you when you're rushed into hospital and the pride when you realise you've tricked a doctor into thinking you're ill.
My last story is that I have epilepsy, everyone believes it... even nurses but I can't help feeling guilty everytime someone says 'I feel so sorry for people that have that condition' but the truth is I don't.
I'm so disgusted at myself to the lengths I will go to to get into hospital, put talcum powder on my face, concealer on my lips to make me look pale and when I'm having siezures I'll cut my tongue with a razor about 15 mins before and then lie on the floor frothing all the blood from my mouth and even wetting myself, it's disgusting. Last time I was in hospital they were about to discharge me so I closed the curtains around my bed saying I was getting dressed, stole a needle from the sharps bucket, went to the toilet and injected air into my canula so I would get more ill.
I've done things like this so many times and it makes me sick to think that people are actually ill with this disease. I feel like I can't help it but I know I can, how have you coped?
I just want to know I'm not alone, does anyone else get that little butterfly tummy feeling when an ambulance goes by?, or does anyone else demand to see their medical notes just to check no-one is on to you? does anyone else research their fake condition before they 'fake' it just so you know exactly what's going to happen so you can act more realistically?

I know I'm sick but this forum is such a help to me, and soon I will go and seek help I just need to know how other people have done it because I feel so alone right now. x
x Help for Heroes x
Frankenstein1805
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:07 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby I HAVE MUNCHAUSEN'S » Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:55 am

Oh MY GOD! You are so not alone! All that stuff you said. BEEN THERE 10000000000 %. The only thing I never felt was pride for tricking a doctor but holy, I thought I was reading about myself! I know- its a compulsion. Once you get a plan you HAVE to follow through. You think about it all the time, get nervous excitement, fall apart when you're about to get discharged etc. etc. etc. I so know. I have done research. I own all of Dr. Marc Feldman's books on the subject and even looked up journal articles to see what the doctors look for when they have suspicions of someone faking. I too have cut up the inside of my mouth to fake seizures, and wet myself - it's totally gross. And when I hear an ambulance, see a police officer, or even watch ER or Law and Order SVU - I crave faking. Even seeing an emergency department, I stop and stare sometimes and yearn to be a patient. It's so hard. I started when I was in grade 8. I am alot older now. In my 20's and my faking episodes just got bigger and bigger and bigger until I got arrested for it. I hope you don't get to that point. I still can't freakin' believe the similarities. I have never heard anyone describe it like you did. I have gone back and read my medical records so many times to see what they wrote. Even when I had gotten caught, they dont really write that I faked it because of liability issues. They just dance around the subject so it seems alright.

So, I would like to keep in touch with you. Do you have any idea why you might do this? With me, I think it was not feeling emotionally secure/ reassured/ protected as a child so I seek it out from others now. Do you want to stop? You dont have to answer that. If you do, I can tell you it's hard to get help because it's such a rare condition, no one knows how to help. But there is hope. If you don't want to quit, hey - I TOTALLY get that too. It's hard to live with these emotions. It's funny, I didnt admit to faking things to anyone or anything until I was 16.

Anyway, keep in touch. So glad you came here!

-L

P.S. Are you considered to have above average intelligence? Just curious. Most people with Munchausen's do. It's weird.
I HAVE MUNCHAUSEN'S
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 7:34 am
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby Frankenstein1805 » Sat Mar 27, 2010 1:45 pm

Yeah I do actually, I didn't know that. I guess you have to be pretty intelligent to be able to digest all the medical information on a condition so you can fake it. I dunno!!
And I do want to stop but it's so hard, its not like an addiction to heroin where you can just stay away from certain people and certain areas, because temptation is all around! Like you say, every time you see a copper, hospital or ambulance I long to be a patient and actually get jealous of people who are! I just can't understand why I'm such a sick person! I've been having a serious think about why I might be doing this and I reckon that when I was little my sister had a siezure and I could see how much attention she got from everyone and I was jealous, especially she was always the apple of my parents eyes and I was just ignored and emotionally abused. Another reason could be that when I was younger I would fake being ill so I didn't have to go to school (you know the kinda things little kids do, wear 10 pairs of trousers socks in bed to fake a fever etc) but even then I was so manipulative with what I could do because I knew for that day I would have all my mums attention! I'm just so angry at myself because I wanted to join the army but because of all my 'fake' illnesses that are 'real' on my medical record I can't!! I think that was the breaking point for me to admit to having Munchausens because I don't want to ruin my life over again... :(
I really hope we can help each other because at least we understand each others feelings, I've never met anyone who has before and it feels like such a weight off my shoulders! I've tried before to get better (only once) by going along the 'methadone for heroin' theory and so I started faking conditions over the internet/ NHS Direct etc but the more attention I got over the internet the more I craved it in real life... its so hard!
Hope you're okay, when was the last time you did anything?
Take care,
F x
x Help for Heroes x
Frankenstein1805
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2010 4:07 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby I HAVE MUNCHAUSEN'S » Mon Apr 19, 2010 3:20 am

Hi, Sorry took me so long to post back. I haven't faked anything since Nov 2008 but that's only because I got arrested and well you just dont fake in jail if you ever wanna get out lol. And I am on probation now, so if I fake I go back for a long time. Its sort of a deterrent but holy god it's not easy. When you have been doing something your whole life and then all of a sudden you cant and have no coping mechanism to replace it, it gets really depressing. Perhaps a better question to ask is "when was the last time I had an overwhelming urge to fake?" haha - oh about an hour ago and then an hour before that. I think I had a day off yesterday.......etc. I have the same issue with career choices too and medical records. I wanted to be a cop or a paramedic but no can do because of medical records. It sucks royally! When was the last time you did anything? Are you in the U.S.? Do you like to watch tv shows like ER, Law and Order SVU etc? I love to watch them but I find they are triggers. I want to be the victims in those shows. How ######6 abnormal is that? Be jealous of someone getting beat or raped or having a heart attack. *sigh*

Anyway, I am going to be on here more often now so keep in touch.
I HAVE MUNCHAUSEN'S
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 7:34 am
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby Cranky Corday » Sun Apr 25, 2010 4:24 am

You can be arrested for faking illnesses? How far do you have to go for that to happen? Is it because you live in a place where health care is nationalized? We do have programs in the U.S. where wonderful provisions are FREE for certain people in certain circumstances, including hotel rooms and meals provided to the patient and next-of-kin while batteries of tests are being set up and carried out. So, to FAKE the sickness would be stealing, but I didn't know you could be arrested. I think you're right about the above average intelligence! I couldn't map out a luxury plan like that even if I were sick and HAD to do it. It takes brains, no question. Brains + drive = no stopping this person.

Another question: would a person with Munchausen's be just as exited to be not sick but involved in a disaster, like hurricanes, tornadoes, fires, floods? I'm not asking this out of idle curiosity. I have posted here about my close family member who has made a lot of lives difficult with fake illnesses and melodramatic stories of her past, with herself AND her children as the victims.

I had no idea faking illness was an "irresistible compulsion" the way you describe it. I just thought it was self-obsessed, attention-seeking bad behavior brought on by mental instability, that it would automatically stop if the person got caught, and that embarrassment was the cure. My family member did the seizure bit that you describe. Everyone doubted she was really sick until she peed on herself. After that, nobody ever doubted her again. Except me. (Isn't it incredible how EXACTLY ALIKE these stories are? It's almost like you've all been programed to do the same thing.)

Thank you for your honesty at this forum. You can't imagine the light you've shined on this dark mystery for me. You seem like a very regular, perfectly nice human being, except for the, uh, problem. Wish you the best. Hope there is a cure.

Oh, one more question: Suppose you were diagnosed with REAL inoperable cancer, or Lou Gehrig's disease, or something terminal and painful like that? Would you be glad, or would you be just like anyone else? (Not an idle question, promise.)
Cranky Corday
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 1:22 am
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby I HAVE MUNCHAUSEN'S » Sun Apr 25, 2010 5:36 pm

Hi Cranky Corday,

I live in Canada. You can be charged for faking illness because it is health care fraud. But also, where I live if you call 911, you get not only an ambulance but the police everytime and they take down your name and all that. As a part of the faking, one often has to give fake names and that is a crime too. In the US, it is the same ESPECIALLY if you have private insurance. The insurance companies have investigators and if you are in the hospital for the same thing too much or under fake names.....whatever and they catch you, it's fraud. And the penalties in the US are MUCH harsher than in Canada. Now, if doctors caught you faking, would they report you?? I dunno.I was caught many times and just kicked out. Which is sad. No one ever asked, Why are you doing this? But anyway....

About disasters: I have to stress that although there are many ridicoulous similarities in people with Munchausen's, we are still very different when it comes to WHAT will give us the emotional stuff we need. I have fantasies about being rescued from rubble, or smashed cars etc. Have had those all my life. But in my fantasies, I am not hurt, not in pain, just stuck! I have feigned getting my hand caught in drains before etc to be rescued. Some people with Munchausen's this would not apply to. Some would prefer to be the rescuers. Then again, I would love to be a hero too. So, I guess the answer to your question is YES. People with Munchausens would like to be involved in disasters. But this leads into my next point and your other question, I wouldn't want to be stuck in a burning building, bleeding to death etc. I would be scared shitless and panicked and none of the munchausen's things would be there. I have been legitimately sick before, have had some serious legitimate surgeries on my heart, and I dont remember liking one bit of it. I was scared. I think when I am in control of an illness I created, or am faking something, I can sit back, relax and just take in the emotional stuff I am receiving that I so desperately need. I know I am not going to die and I can refuse any procedure's I don't want to have because I know I dont need them.
There was an episode of "HOUSE" - I dont know if you watch that show...where they caught a lady faking her medical illness but House thought she was legitimately ill on top of it all and they said to her something very close to,"Not so fun when you're really sick, now is it."

Now all that being said, if I got diagnosed with MS or some long term illness, once I got over the shock, I know I would do 1 of 2 things: I would either play it up or be a hero - be the one that is so sick yet still trying to run marathon's and do everything myself. I believe there is a dual side to Munchausen's - the victim and the hero role that people try to obtain. But the problem, is we/they (whatever, I keep changing my pronouns) can't sustain anything in the middle. I don't know why. Emotionally, just not strong enough I guess.

And YES...I promise it's a extra strong compulsion that takes over your whole being. It is brought on by instability - emotional I would say and it is a bad behaviour but its not controllable in the way that people think. And yes, there is a narcissistic component to because for a while you forget about other people and how it will effect them. With me, I couldnt even comprehend how it would effect them. I couldn't empathise until lately. I had to be taught. And let me tell you it wasnt fun.I can empathize with everything else in life though. I am not a socio path or anything, it's just you become blind, tunnel vision.

And btw, peeing on yourself is the oldest trick in the book :-) Glad you saw through it.
As for the regular, nice human being - thanks :-) Most people think so too. They would never guess how screwed up I truly am. I do care about other people very much. Too bad I have this disease. But I am fighting......

I am happy to help. Let me know if you have more questions
I HAVE MUNCHAUSEN'S
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Jan 16, 2010 7:34 am
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 8:27 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby Cranky Corday » Mon Apr 26, 2010 8:35 pm

IHM, you are very articulate. It's kind of you to be so giving of your attention re. my questions. Well answered, thorough, sympathetic, orderly, intelligent. I got lucky in finding you, being able to ask whatever I wanted, and get a SMART reply. Thank you so much! I'll be going around with positive thoughts of you always. Take care out there.

Best,
carly
Cranky Corday
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2010 1:22 am
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby tammy23 » Tue Aug 23, 2011 4:10 pm

I'm not sure if either of you guys still use this, but i just wanted to say that this was the first post i read on this site just yesterday, after that i signed up and am now in the process of writing my own story. I had to read all the posts twice over because i couldn't believe the similarities. this is the first time in my life where i don't feel so alone, that there are people out there just like me who go to extreme lengths to feed this 'addiction' i am now wanting to get help and start living. This post changed my life, so thank you. :mrgreen:
tammy23
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2011 5:08 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:57 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby Ibiscohopepaa » Mon Sep 05, 2011 5:17 am

I totally completely understand! I love going to the hospital and getting sick and things. The first I remember this is when I was 4 I hit my head on the wall over and over again and said I want to bleed I want to be hurt. Then I pulled out hairs on my head till I started bleeding in the fifth grade. I've done numerous things since then and the latest was pretending to have appendicitis. I got it removed and everything and it was fantastic. I'm 16 and have always had a happy family life so I wondered why I cut myself and did things like that. This sounds so much like me. I have wanted to have a seizure soooo bad since I learned about them but I'm afraid I'd be caught for faking one. However I've decided that when I turn eighteen I'll go to a mental hospital and tellthem I want to hurt myself so they'll keep me there for a while, I don't want my parents to know though. Idk what to do about it and feel bad when people are really sick I guess therapy helps but I'd just as soon live my life in a hospital.
Ibiscohopepaa
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Sep 05, 2011 5:06 am
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 1:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: I want to tell my story...

Postby CrackedGirl » Mon Sep 05, 2011 9:46 am

Ibiscohopepaa wrote:I totally completely understand! I love going to the hospital and getting sick and things. The first I remember this is when I was 4 I hit my head on the wall over and over again and said I want to bleed I want to be hurt. Then I pulled out hairs on my head till I started bleeding in the fifth grade. I've done numerous things since then and the latest was pretending to have appendicitis. I got it removed and everything and it was fantastic. I'm 16 and have always had a happy family life so I wondered why I cut myself and did things like that. This sounds so much like me. I have wanted to have a seizure soooo bad since I learned about them but I'm afraid I'd be caught for faking one. However I've decided that when I turn eighteen I'll go to a mental hospital and tellthem I want to hurt myself so they'll keep me there for a while, I don't want my parents to know though. Idk what to do about it and feel bad when people are really sick I guess therapy helps but I'd just as soon live my life in a hospital.


It sounds like you are really struggling with this. You mention therapy. Do you have a therapist and if so do they know. Please dont let this escalate. Do you know why you want to be in hospital?

Keep talking

Cracked
It's a pretty big world God
And I am awful small
Everyday they rain down on me
Flower in a hailstorm


We don't delete posts on demand

The Rules

Liberal Backslider

Obey The Moderator

Image
User avatar
CrackedGirl
Site Admin
 
Posts: 42803
Joined: Sun Jul 18, 2010 6:51 pm
Local time: Thu Apr 24, 2014 2:27 pm
Blog: View Blog (177)


Return to Munchausen Syndrome Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests