I have this hospital addiction for the past thirteen years. And it's getting worst and worst the last year.
The first time I went to the hospital, I had a court date for some serious charges. I lied about being suicidal to get in. And I really liked being there. When my court date finally came, my hospitalization made it look like I was crazy and ended up not going to jail but on probation for a long time.
The next few hospitalizations were for real. Drug overdoses that landed me in there. One time I was high and I went to the hospital and discharged. That very same day, I went back to the same emergency room and back into the psych unit of the same hospital. So it was two hospitalizations in one day and I was high both times.
I was about to be arrested and I ended up going to the hospital and was let go by police.
The next few were for real. From psychotic breaks. But the one after that was not real.
I've been in different hospitals out of town and in town. I even went to a military hospital but not for inpatient. I really like the hospital. And I want to go to different hospitals every time. I would be planning and planning. Researching different hospitals. Then I would stop myself to say that's ridiculous don't do that again. But that's what I've said many times before and end up eventually following through and going.
I finally came forward about my hospital problem with my therapist and talked to her about it. It was obsessive and I stopped myself from going to the hospital several times within a few months. And recently I was thinking about going again to one out of town but made it to group therapy and that stopped me. For the first time, I shared about my problem to a group and they gave me feedback. I felt so relieved to talk about it for the first time. I was ashamed that I scammed the hospital. But the leader didn't think I should be ashamed. No one else in the group had the problem and didn't seem to care. This made me even more want to go to the hospital, that no one cared and no one tried to stop me.
So my question is what does that all mean? No one cared at the group and no one tried to stop me. So does that mean what I'm doing isn't that bad? Does that even matter? Is it okay to just to take a few vacations a year at the hospital like I've been doing for the past thirteen years?