Wow, Sik that's so crazy for me to read your post because I feel similar to you. Im still trying to figure out whether I would be classified as having Munchausen Syndrome because I don't set out to fake the illness by creating the symptoms, I actually want to make myself ill.
I too want to have mental disorders. Although I have actually been diagnosed with social anxiety and depression, I sometimes question how much of my depression is caused by me. I wanted depression to make myself suffer because I thought I didn't deserve a happy life. I feel like I'm reluctant to make improvements.
At the moment I am also starving myself to give myself an eating disorder because I want to put myself in hospital. I don't want any attention from friends or family, but I feel looked after in the hospital.
I have overdosed on my anti depressants and gone to hospital because of it, but I was pretty sure it wouldn't kill me. However, I let some people think that it was a serious suicide attempt. Deep down, I know that I was really panicking at the time, but all I wanted to do was punish myself, not take my life.
I have also self harmed in the past and sometimes it has been because of stress and self punishment, but I also used to do it before visiting my GP because I thought I had to have proof that I was finding things tough. I think that if my situation isn't bad enough, they won't help me.
I now see a psychiatrist because the GP was unable to lift my depression. Every time I see my psychiatrist I get a letter in the post outlining what was discussed in our meeting and also a diagnosis. Seeing my depression go from 'severe' to 'moderately severe' made me angry and upset. It's a challenge for me to have as many problems as possible, and when I read those letters it makes me happy to know that I'm unwell.
In my head, I think that illness is a good thing and my thoughts focus on what I can do next to harm myself. Maybe someone can give their response/reaction to this?