WARNING: May contain triggers.
Oh, and this is probably going to be pretty long. It might turn out to be a bit of a rant, sorry about that.
I used to do this kind of stuff subconsciously, but now I'm starting to realize what I'm doing. I know I probably need help, but I'm hesitant to get any because I know that if I do, then I can't fake things anymore and get the attention and sympathy. But it's starting to get worse. Last week I went to the dentist to get fillings. The people who work there are really nice. A lot of them are women, and for some reason, I crave more attention from women than men. But anyway... I had a panic attack that lasted pretty much the whole time I was there, but who knows, I might have tried to exaggerate it or keep it going. After it was over, I wouldn't calm down. They were all sympathetic and tried to get me to calm down by touching me and stroking my arm. For some reason when people try to comfort me by touching me, that just feels amazing and I want more, I want them to hug me and rub my head. I especially love it when people hold me up when I'm "dizzy" or look like I'm about to pass out. After they took me off of the air they have you breathe, they asked me if I could stand up. I stood up and then just fell on the floor, and pretended to be unconscious for a few seconds. I remember hearing one of the girls gasp and say, "Oh my goodness." Then they all tried to pick me up and I "woke up." After they got me water and had me sit back down, my panic attack came back. I probably made it come back for more attention, but they would try to ask me questions or get me to leave and I would just act like I couldn't comprehend and stutter and breathe really hard. Which is what happens when you have a panic attack. I genuinely do get them, I think that sometimes I just exaggerate them and prolong them. All week long my mind was set on doing something like that for attention, I just didn't know exactly what I was going to do. But when I was there my instincts just kicked in and I just did everything without thinking. I almost believed what was happening, even though I knew I caused it. There have been other times I've pulled little stunts like that. And thousands more of when I thought about it or fantasized about it.
I did it earlier this year when I was at a weekend retreat. We were supposed to be packing our things and I just kind of stood there and hung onto the bunk bed acting like I was out of it. Then I just decided to fall. I acting unconciuos for a minute and some other girls noticed and woke me up. I was on my period, and I had blood all over my crotch. I didn't have enough pads to last me, and I was afraid to ask for some, which may have been part of the reason why I did that. I remember a night earlier that weekend I had a bad panic attack and I was sitting in the bathroom floor, muttering to myself. I was remembering when I went to school and I would get in trouble and get yelled at for taking a moment in the bathroom, which made things worse. But I guess I forgot that the people I was with were nicer than that. They had me sleep in a separate room and let me sleep in for two hours.
I also remember I went on vacation with a friend of mine who is now moved away, and I walked back to the house we were staying at. I had severe sunburn, and I was having a panic attack. I sat down next to a tree, and these two older ladies walked up to me asking if I was okay. They tried to talk to me but I just couldn't think. Then an older couple stopped in their truck to see if I was okay. They ended up taking me back to the community center or whatever back to my friend and her parents. The whole time I just kept saying a bunch of stuff that didn't make sense. They thought that I had a sunstroke. I probably did, but I enjoyed it, sick as that is. Then I passed out in the beach bathroom and her parents found me, and helped me up and everything.
When I was little I remember I went to kids camp with a broken arm, and I loved all the attention I got. Everyone worried over me, and I remember feeling like I was going to pass out, and my counselor just looked at me for a minute as I was swaying, and then was like alright, i'm taking you to the nurse. I know when I went to summer camp I acted dizzy and tired all the time. Then one night for the rally thing or whatever, and decided to trip and fall as I was getting into my seat. I think I hit something or did something weird to myself, but I genuinely woke up and I think I passed out. I woke up to someone shaking me to wake me up, and then I got up and was like yeah I'm fine. Then my friend and her boyfriend kinda helped me back up. Then I got up to get a drink in the back and they made me go with the nurse.
I went to church this sunday with my grandmom and had a panic attack. It wasn't severe, but I kinda acted like it was. I hid in the bathroom and a lot of people would make sure I'm okay before leaving to go back into service. One woman stayed with me for a while and tried to help me. She was afraid I was going to pass out. When she came in I was splashing water on my face. I acted like I was going to pass out but I never did. That time anyway. She kinda held on to me to make sure I didn't fall. She gave me a little pep talk i suppose and hugged me and rubbed my arm. She was so nice. I feel like I took advantage of her.
There was a period of time where I decided not to go to anything social for awhile because of my panic attacks, and during that time I got REALLY STRONG urges to do things like that whenever I was out. It made the panic attacks worse. I'm going to start driving soon, and I watch a lot of prank videos, and I like watching the social experiements and ones where they faint and get peoples reaction. I fantasize about doing that when I can drive; just visiting random places and fainting or something. Then leaving and go somewhere else to do it. I've even thought about faking things like sezures and hallucinations and epilepsy. I'm genuinely considering faking epilepsy cause then I can fake passing out more. I don't know why I'm like this, and I want to fix it so I can actually enjoy life. But then again, I don't so that way I can keep on like this. I go to a counselor, but she doesn't really know anything about this. I just started going to her. I've though about fainting in front of her for attention, so that might be part of the reason why I haven't told her anything. I don't want her to tell my parents either. I just don't know what to do from here. I'm afraid to go anywhere because then I'll do things like that, but if I don't the urges get really bad. Today I was home alone for a while and I practiced passing out. No joke. It's pathetic. I don't know how to control these urges, I want to do something like it right now. I want to go to youth group and hide in the bathroom and lay on the floor and wait for someone to find me. I don't do things like that unless I know that they won't tell my parents. I knew that at the dentist they probably wouldn't knowing that they know I have panic attacks and I hypervenalate and that I just came off of that air stuff.
I know at one point I made a friend and whenever I would sleep over at her house, I would pretend to have nightmares. She would comfort me and try to help me in any way she could. At one point I had a "nightmare" and she tried to talk me through it. All of a sudden my whole body went numb and I "woke up" and freaked out. She freaked out and called her Mom. Then she told me to stretch out my hands to make sure I wasn't having a stroke. I was okay after that.
Next time I go to the dentist I'm planning on passing out for longer, like 30 seconds or so, and then waking up. oh my god what is wrong with me I'm a sick person. How can anyone relate to this? How can I make any friends or keep any if I'm just going to use them like that? Am I going to get worse as I get older and more independent? I really don't know what to do. I don't even know if I actually have this syndrome but whatever. What am I supposed to do now?