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How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

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How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby TheDarkerSide » Thu Apr 16, 2015 6:46 am

I wrote this today... I literally spent a really long time just finding the words to explain how I feel deep inside my heart. I'm hurting my best friend... my only friend, with my lie, but she doesn't know. I feel like I can never tell her and this is a glimpse of the struggle I face inside of my head-

When somebody says you are an amazing person, but you don't want them to think that, because it's a lie. you want to trust them enough to tell them all your flaws and show them what you actually are inside. Someone you can just let it all out to. Your deepest darkest secrets, the ones that drown you in more and more guilt and slowely suffocate you when you hold them back for too long. The ones that would ruin you if anyone found out. The ones that would hurt them more than any pain you could ever feel yourself, the ones that would break them into a million shattered pieces. That would ruin every thing you've ever had with them.
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby TheDarkerSide » Sat Apr 18, 2015 5:10 am

There was a time where every day they were on your mind. The sickness. The fun. The game. The attention. The high from the fantasies. You had no one and you felt as if you had the world. You cannot suffer. You're not actually sick.

Every night you go to sleep and fantasize. Fantasize about your own suffering. For, it is not real. You cannot suffer. You're not actually sick.

Then you meet a friend.

Not much time has past. Your connection is stronger. You feel what it means to form a bond. However... There is a pang of guilt deep in your soul. Not enough to cause much damage. But you know it's there. You shrug it off. Continue on with your lies. Don't pay attention to the trifling rock in your heart. You cannot suffer. You're not actually sick.

Now it's the familiar agonizing feeling of guilt with every muscle you move. It's deep in the pit of your stomach. It pulls at the bottom of your heart. With every lie told, the guilt washes over your body. You look in the mirror. You once thought every soul was pure. You stare deep into the eyes of your reflection. You see nothing but;

Pure. Hatrid.
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby TheDarkerSide » Sun Apr 19, 2015 2:06 am

"I'm sorry"

It's all I can say. You don't even know what I'm apologizing for. You can never know. But it breaks me a little bit more with each passing day. There is no pain that I have ever felt that is more cruel than what I feel when you tell me that you trust me. When you tell me that I deserve the world.

Each day I can feel it slowley tearing at my heart. Just trying to cope. I have stirred this mess myself. I am in so deep. There is no turning back.

"Never leave me no matter what..."
"I won't"

But I don't believe you.

I have betrayed you. You don't even know yet. My world is grey. I am trapped in a cell. I am lost. Misery. I am selfish for feeling this way.
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby angelina4 » Sun Apr 19, 2015 5:36 am

Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry you're going through it.

I don't think it's true that you cannot suffer. It sounds like you are suffering.

I wish I had an easy answer for you - a solution I knew would "work." But there isn't any such thing.

I'm wondering - maybe you're not ready to come clean about everything. But can you stop continuing the lies? Can you stop adding to them?
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby TheDarkerSide » Sun Apr 19, 2015 8:03 am

angelina4 wrote:Thanks for writing this. I'm sorry you're going through it.

I don't think it's true that you cannot suffer. It sounds like you are suffering.

I wish I had an easy answer for you - a solution I knew would "work." But there isn't any such thing.

I'm wondering - maybe you're not ready to come clean about everything. But can you stop continuing the lies? Can you stop adding to them?


Thank you. Yeah there is no way I can tell her the truth about me, and I have stopped for a while. It seemed to help me for a bit, and then I started getting these urges again and they are so hard to hold back.

My main problem is the guilt. I can't erase what I've lied about and there's no chance that I can just move on and she will forget everything I lied about. She doesn't know I've lied, and thats what is killing me.

I've had this munchausen thing since I was around 10, and it only got worse. I feel like I'm at my peak, but thats what I felt last year too... That I was at my peak, and it still got worse... I'm at the point now that every single day is agonizing to be alive, because I hate myself so much. She means so much to me (We aren't in a relationship, she's just my best friend... My only friend) I am hurting her with each passing day and she doesn't even know it.

I'm just at that point where I'm extremely depressed because of this. It has taken over my life. I never thought it would ever get this bad and I'm so scared it's just going to continue to get worse...
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby TheDarkerSide » Sun Apr 19, 2015 8:33 am

Irony
--
Our friendship is based on a lie. Almost everything I've ever told you. Was fake... and yet... I told you I was real. The irony.

I no longer know what is truth and what is lie. I don't even know what it feels like to not crave attention. My heart is a rock that I feel in the pit of my stomach everyday. Our friendship is based on a lie.

How can our friendship be a lie when it leaves me feeling like this though? The pain is real... It's so real, it is with me every moment of every waking hour. Weighing down my shoulders. Guilt is heavy. It's so heavy that it causes surging pain in every muscle fiber of my body.

I once thought that the only escape from the torture of everyday life is to go to sleep.

But now reality has seeped into my dreams like an imaginary saline drip that seeps into my veins. The torture is inevitable. It's everywhere. Day. Night. Awake. Alseep. I can never get away.

The only thing in the world that gives me a glimmer of happiness. A glimmer of hope. That gives me the strength to wake up in the morning. To be able to smile. To be able to laugh. To love and feel a special connection. The meaning of my life. Is the same thing that is emotionally destroying me. You. The irony.
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby TheDarkerSide » Tue Apr 21, 2015 4:58 am

Guilt

---

Guilt is not just a feeling. Guilt is a fear. Guilt is a penetrating force in your stomach pushing up towards your heart. An nervous ache within the core of your soul.

Guilt is all around, lingering within the energy of the air particles. You breathe in it's infectious fumes which trap every cell of your body in a endless vortex.

It's there with every breath, every possible thought. It's there in every damn path you force your mind, your body and your spirit to speak with whether it be negative or positive. Guilt is there through every day to day basic activities...

Such as...

breathing...

Guilt... is not just a feeling. Not just a fear...

Guilt is a disease.
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Re: How it truly feels inside *Possible trigger warning*

Postby daffy duck » Fri Oct 09, 2015 12:18 am

Who would you be without this "story"? If you could drop it, like you would drop a hot coal - and lose the story - who would you be? You can't solve a problem on the same level is was created.
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