Hi,
I'd like to have your opinion on something. Something i find quite paradoxical; the idea of going to counselling services because of an annoying munchausen-like thinking/attention craving.
I find it paradoxical because obviously : 1.you don't want to get "healed" because you would loose the attention, 2. you would feel like coming and say "hi, i want attention so badly, so i came! now i have it, thanks! what's next?"
from the day i learned we had those services at my college, the idea of getting to them didn't leave me, and i have those wheels turning in my head all the time, trying to work out reasons for me to end up going there. the other part of me of course is annoyed and won't let this happen, which results in constent suspicion and self annoyance "stop whining, you're doing that on purpose so you can end up going to counselling services", "you cut only because once you think you're arm is bad enough, you'll be able to walk happylly to counselling services. so go on cutting if you want but no f***ing counselling services!", "you're not really feeling sick, you're exagerating only because you wanna get to health services/want your roommate to feel compasion for you".
Some days I feel like i don't feel anything else than hatred/anger, frustration and attention craving. Most days actually. And everything almost seems unreal to a certain extent. I feel like when i'm cutting i'm just achieving a bigger plan without really realising it, some part of me has been trying to get me down for years and has all of this planned, and now that i'm away from home it can finally get started for real. I moved to my new place and the first cuts where done almost automatically, like, okay this is how we had planned it so let's get going! I did cut before but very cautiously in fear my mum would see. Here it doesn't matter anymore, if my roommate sees something i don't care cause it wouldn't hurt them or anything, i mean, i'm not showing it off but i'm not hiding it by all means, i just don't care. i hide it but if for a second it's visible because i made a move, i don't really care.
i have a lot of bitterness and anger from some things of the past that have not been fully dealt with and sometimes i think it's related, like i always felt it had to get really bad so i can finally move on, and a part of me is trying to follow this plan, get it bad in order to eventually get freed. But i'm not sure. anyway i did see a psy before, but ended up stopping because there's always this moment coming when i can't help thinking of the other patients who are either suicidal, have lost a loved one or survived sexual violence. then i feel ashamed and just won't come anymore. and another part of me finds it absolutly unfair, to stop for those reasons . I find myself really annoying. not toe mention that, again, obviously and that's the munchausen thinking, i don't wanna get to the pont whrn i'm fine and don't need the psy anymore