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Munchi cravings and counselling services

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Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:46 am

Hi,

I'd like to have your opinion on something. Something i find quite paradoxical; the idea of going to counselling services because of an annoying munchausen-like thinking/attention craving.
I find it paradoxical because obviously : 1.you don't want to get "healed" because you would loose the attention, 2. you would feel like coming and say "hi, i want attention so badly, so i came! now i have it, thanks! what's next?"

from the day i learned we had those services at my college, the idea of getting to them didn't leave me, and i have those wheels turning in my head all the time, trying to work out reasons for me to end up going there. the other part of me of course is annoyed and won't let this happen, which results in constent suspicion and self annoyance "stop whining, you're doing that on purpose so you can end up going to counselling services", "you cut only because once you think you're arm is bad enough, you'll be able to walk happylly to counselling services. so go on cutting if you want but no f***ing counselling services!", "you're not really feeling sick, you're exagerating only because you wanna get to health services/want your roommate to feel compasion for you".
Some days I feel like i don't feel anything else than hatred/anger, frustration and attention craving. Most days actually. And everything almost seems unreal to a certain extent. I feel like when i'm cutting i'm just achieving a bigger plan without really realising it, some part of me has been trying to get me down for years and has all of this planned, and now that i'm away from home it can finally get started for real. I moved to my new place and the first cuts where done almost automatically, like, okay this is how we had planned it so let's get going! I did cut before but very cautiously in fear my mum would see. Here it doesn't matter anymore, if my roommate sees something i don't care cause it wouldn't hurt them or anything, i mean, i'm not showing it off but i'm not hiding it by all means, i just don't care. i hide it but if for a second it's visible because i made a move, i don't really care.
i have a lot of bitterness and anger from some things of the past that have not been fully dealt with and sometimes i think it's related, like i always felt it had to get really bad so i can finally move on, and a part of me is trying to follow this plan, get it bad in order to eventually get freed. But i'm not sure. anyway i did see a psy before, but ended up stopping because there's always this moment coming when i can't help thinking of the other patients who are either suicidal, have lost a loved one or survived sexual violence. then i feel ashamed and just won't come anymore. and another part of me finds it absolutly unfair, to stop for those reasons . I find myself really annoying. not toe mention that, again, obviously and that's the munchausen thinking, i don't wanna get to the pont whrn i'm fine and don't need the psy anymore
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby CrackedGirl » Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:42 am

Gosh - that is an awful lot of muddled thoughts to be going around your head without help. When things are complex, especially when we dont have help it can get like that - thinking about things from all these different angles and going round and round with thoughts. If you can simplify it can you try to view things like this. You are having difficult issues that are too much to deal with on your own and therefore you are in need of help. In terms of getting secondary gain out of it or not wanting it to end hopefully this will be addressed in the help that you get - especially as long as you are honest about what is going on for you. I just think this is too much to deal with on your own and asking for help is a good plan

Hugs

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Oct 04, 2013 5:55 am

thanks for your reply cracked.
I dunno. I just feel sort of detached from this. Maybe, contrary to a lot of people seeking control, i don't want to control anymore... i bought blades at the college's bookstore. I don't really think that saying i do this for attention would be accurate, because i'm becoming aware of the fact people might see and i'm not liking it, my goal here is not to walk around and show strangers that i have cuts, no. I don't want to show it, i don't want them to see it. It's more seeking attention from myself to myself i guess. it was actually really stressful to buy the blades because i was wearing short sleeves (because it was hot that day) and i was concerned people who worked there might see traces on my arm. i can still hide it according to how i position my arm, but there i had to pay and stuff. luckily i don't think they noticed, and i bought some paper so the blades were not suspicious. but it is the first time i'm buying something specifically to do this. i always used my sisors before, but i don't like it cause it's hard to control and i'm afraid to go to deep. it's wierd it's like i'm doing it out of duty or something. a part of me doesn't like it and almost feels bullied by the other part. so i'm doing it robot like.
i did feel sort of waken up yesterday after some new people i met, and my heart was racing almost all afternoon and evening long. but then i couldn't sleep and finally fell asleep in the early morning. but today it's getting like before. i think. all this attention college offers, that might be what's driving me crazy. i whish i could step away from it but i'm here for the whole year so nope
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Oct 04, 2013 6:36 am

okay this is getting really wierd. i honestly feel sort of trapped between fiction and reality. and i can't tell the difference. i think i'm just trying to make myself feel real but it doesn't work. and now it's two and a half in the morning and i'm sitting in the middle of my room like an idiot and i just used one of the blades. it felt scary on the moment to realise i got one step further, buying blades, opening the package and using them. it felt scary for 5 minutes and i just thought i would like to speak anonymously to someone right now. i don't feel real but what i do is real. in my country we have those free phone numbers we can call whenever. dunno about the us. i thought that very seriously for a few minutes, because on the phone i'd be anonymous not like in a counselling office and i wouldnt bother anyone. and then i thought, #######4, get real this is ridiculous. my cuts are bleeding yes but they are only skindeep superficial. i'd feel like an idiot, this is not serious. but when i'm holding the blade i don't know what's real anymore and when i'll stop cause it's only the beggining, that's what i tell myself. and it's what i mean by bulling my own self. whatever unreal i may feel as soon as i don't hold the blade anymore, i cut for real when i hold it and in a way i feel like i'm a threat to myself for real when i hold it. okay writing this feels fiction again, that's what i'm talkiing about, i feel i can't judge how real all this is. which may be why i want to cut, to get real. i dunno. when i see the blood i feel real for a few seconds. i think.
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Oct 04, 2013 6:49 am

okay i do feel extremely ashamed about what i'm going to say, but i found a hotline number and gonna call it while i still allow myself to and before i change my mind. it's not college related so i'm really anonymous, and i don't think i can cause any harm by doing it, right? well hope so
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Oct 04, 2013 9:29 am

okay i'm feeling really bad that i called now. and it wasn't really helpful anyway, they basically told me i should go to counselling services (the time to get the call back, almost an hour, i didn't feel legit anymore anyway so...)
will just go to sleep now and forget about it. i feel really stupid now and sort of ashamed. at least i got some fresh air, i called from outside since my roommates are sleeping
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby CrackedGirl » Fri Oct 04, 2013 1:24 pm

Huge hugs and please keep safe

It sounds to me like your self harm is really escalating and i really think you need decent help for this - sounds like you are struggling. Have you been to the self harm forum here? I am sorry I cant remember if you have or not. It might be worth checking it out as you can get help, support and understanding there from those of us who know what it is like to self harm. This is something that you do need help with - it is not attention seeking or munchy behaviour. You have something going on that it is very difficult to deal with on your own - trust me I know. Anyhow maybe see you in self harm too soon - it might help if you have not gone there already. There is also a crisis thread there for when you feel like cutting.

Huge hugs and please keep safe

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Sat Oct 05, 2013 6:54 pm

Thanks,

i had a post open on the selfharm forum that night but decided not to post.
I don't consider myself a victim of self harm, eventhough from what i write it might look like i am, but the major difference is that i do it for the sake of doing it (well not always but those days yes) , whearas "normal" people do it as a way of coping with emotions, right? i still believe it to be attention related. I may hide it, but what eventually happened that night ? i got medical attention. on the phone, ok, but still. it wasn't intended that way on the moment, it wasn't like "hop, a few cuts, and now let's go get attention!", no, but the outcome is the same. i'm not sure i understand what the heck I was thinking that night and how i ended up actually going outside at 3 in the morning to call a hotline; the day had been a little emotionally stronger than usual, but still. maybe i'm trying to fake mental disorder by cutting after all. or i'm getting trapped in my own story telling. i don't have any bad intentions and don't want to bother anybody, but i 'm not sure what my inentions are anymore. i just need to take distant from all this now, by staying AWAY for now from all those counselling things. i really feel bad that i called (in the end i ended up calling my own college's hotline cause the other one was too crowded and no answers) and now they have my name. it's confidential but still, if i go there they'll know I called one day at 4 in the morning. i really need to distance from all that. in a way i wish i had more classes cause i spend way too much time alone at home and it's easy to "disconnect" (disconnect is too strong of a word, well it's easy to keep thinking about this stuff in circle)
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:28 am

the thing is, i know what it feels like to be depressed, to hurt emotionnally, to be anxious, hopeless, or stressed (which is very different from anxiety), and the difference between feeling blue/nostalgic, and feeling black sadness/pain. so i also know that i do not feel any of those now. i guess i can't say i'm happy either because if I were i wouldn't be doing what i do and wouldn't want to harm myself, so i don't know how i feel. neutral?
i think that the years of resentment during all my teenhood that followed the two years (and especially the second year) of genuin suffering in silence, are part of the cause to what i'm doing now. reading for the first time about cutting on the internet when i was twelve and crying in silence everyday, feeling hopeless about the future, empty hurt and scared, sometimes having scary anxiety crisis at night, all that without anybody noticing. it lasted about a year and then it transformed into resentment and angriness, and that's when i started with the cutting thing, slowly, at the age of 13/14. took a few months to go from the scratching to the actual bleeding cuts. never had too many at once for fear of it to be noticed. Wouldn't allow myself to say "i feel good" at any point, would do ceremonies during the year to commemorate events, commemorate anxiety crisi too after they stopped, and would force myself to leave marks on my arm during the ceremony. i did that for 7 years. each time genuin pain comes in, all that stops. each time the problems are getting better, it comes back. i think i totally hypnotised myself during those years. and the two realities were separated, the cuts, the ceremonies, the secret life, and school, family, social relations. Today i feel exactly like when i was 13/14 again, and it had been a while.
the whole "one day i will talk" thing became a sort of myth, and the day eventually came, and the central issue that had started all this, i told my mum about it less than a year ago. it was huge for me and i was afraid she would feel bad for not noticing during al those years. truth is, she seemed to take it too well in my opinion, and it's true i didn't go into the details of the pain, didn't mention the cuts or the ceremonies. i feel like we went a little fast over this...
might be very related, although, as i said in my first post here, i already had similar feelings as a very young kid. so...
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:11 am

so basically, in my mind, i think, it has to get bad enough before i can really put the past in the past and get to live my life. i wanted to get over it last year by talking to my mum and seeing a psy, but it didn't work that way and unfortunately my abroad experience still has to be contaminated with this, but that's ok. in a twisted way i feel like things are developping the way they should be. and had been prevented for developping that way for too long.
feels wierd though. getting out of the room and smiling to the roommates, getting back in and doing a cut or two. okay i sure write a lot today. i feel sort of unreal but it feels kind of good. i just cut and it almost makes me feel good. wierd.
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