so i hesitated posting back here... I feel completely different now, i don't know what happened and how and why, but with only a few transitional days, i basically woke up one morning thinking "what the F*** ???!"
For two months or so I wasn't myself AT ALL, now i feel much more grounded although i have to be careful with my thoughts because it can still skip back, that's how i feel. Only now i can see there's a problem there, i don't want to get into that state again cause it's obsessive and i get so sure that i'm faking everything that there is just no way i can get any kind of help so i decided i'll go to counselling to understand what happened and do so before it happens again and makes me unable to reach out to anyone. I'm thinking of going next week, eventhough it does make me very nervous and it's still a sort of trigger, but so much less!
it's ackward and a little scary to think i can almost change my personality like this, loose myself like this with no real control over it. Thinking back i basically have two hazy foggy months that make a whole in the semester. it's not like i don't have any memory of it, but it's like, it's foggy and seems unreal just like it felt unreal then.
about the cutting, i calmed down on it but it still a sensitive issue as the major reason i calmed down is that i have lots of marks right now and having them sometimes makes me feel secure. sometimes i'll look at my arm and think wtf was i thinking, how on earth, now it's gonna stay sliced like this, it's ugly! other times it'll make me feel calm. the thought of cutting, some days it makes me feel sick, others it's triggering; i did have one trigger since i got better and ended up cutting although i was trying not to, but that was a week ago. and only one cut.
oh, and i don't feel like an attention seeker at all now lol. nor do i feel fake... so yeah, just wanted to update.
my theory is that i just got a very big addition of triggers all together. The state i was in for two month is not something new, it did hapen before (i say two months but it was slowly preparing since about four month earlier), i remember once, it lasted only two hours, i did about 4 or 6 cuts and when i got back to normal it did feel quite disturbing.