i know, and I can't say i haven't been warned. but being obsessed with it for so much time, getting to do it more is the natural pursuit of the process...
for some reason i think that going to counselling is only going to make things worse. i opened to someone a few days ago, but ew, it's like you throw the word "cutting" and it has a magical effect, all the things they told me, being that person or the psy on the phone last time, i could say the exact same thing. it's like adressing the concept of someone cutting, it's unpersonal, and i'm not blaming them for that, but i'm so informed on those things and read so much about it, it just feels like hearing the same record cassette again and again. the psy didn't know what to tell me, and as soon as she heard "cutting" her voice changed and she knew what to say. the statistics says cutters usually cut to live and not because they want to die, so she wasn't afraid i would kill myself anymore. and so it's cutting, so i should see a Professional to learn to cope differently and know why i'm doing it. yeah i know this by heart. but i read a lot of what cutters write and i haven't found any experience i relate to really. because most people are normal, they want to be better when they feel bad. so all those things the psy told me, or that person i told, it's not really adressed to me, but to the concept they see in me. i did not fake anything consciently, i did not fake the crying nor the emotion on the moment, and i only told the truth. and yet, in a way there's still...something wrong there. especially with how great it feels later to think again of that moment this person asked me what was wrong and of me telling them through tears..eh.
i just want to slap myself once and for all and yell "WAKE UP!" and i always think i'll stop this, just stop it and become the cool person i was a few months ago, but i don't stop, whining all day long to myself and living in this sort of half reality.
truth is, there's a reason if i feel that way. I can feel i am fake. when i'm not, i go where i need to get help. if something is holding me back, there's a good reason. my problem is just that the first person i'm faking to is myself. and that's tricky because i don't really know.
so I could stop cutting, yes. but it won't solve anything, so i don't think i will. as much as i don't like the idea of getting marks on all my arm.
but then i don't know what to do. i don't want to talk to anyone because i'll become attention sucker i just know it. so to preserve them and my self esteem, that's not good. so i just have to get real on my own. but for some reason i don't. what really worries me is that i'm completely drowning in my classes though. but as a whole whining every single second to myself, that's really annoying. i can at least keep some pride by whining only to myself and not to others. except when it just happens (like with that phone call, and that person who asked me what was wrong, great now it will always feel akward to see them).