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Munchi cravings and counselling services

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby CrackedGirl » Fri Oct 11, 2013 1:25 pm

Hey :D

The thing about cutting is that irrespective of your initial reasons for doing it - which are variable, it becomes addictive and therefore a problem in and of itself. It sounds like you have reached this point and I think you do need help.

Please keep safe

Hugs

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:31 am

hey,

i know, and I can't say i haven't been warned. but being obsessed with it for so much time, getting to do it more is the natural pursuit of the process...

for some reason i think that going to counselling is only going to make things worse. i opened to someone a few days ago, but ew, it's like you throw the word "cutting" and it has a magical effect, all the things they told me, being that person or the psy on the phone last time, i could say the exact same thing. it's like adressing the concept of someone cutting, it's unpersonal, and i'm not blaming them for that, but i'm so informed on those things and read so much about it, it just feels like hearing the same record cassette again and again. the psy didn't know what to tell me, and as soon as she heard "cutting" her voice changed and she knew what to say. the statistics says cutters usually cut to live and not because they want to die, so she wasn't afraid i would kill myself anymore. and so it's cutting, so i should see a Professional to learn to cope differently and know why i'm doing it. yeah i know this by heart. but i read a lot of what cutters write and i haven't found any experience i relate to really. because most people are normal, they want to be better when they feel bad. so all those things the psy told me, or that person i told, it's not really adressed to me, but to the concept they see in me. i did not fake anything consciently, i did not fake the crying nor the emotion on the moment, and i only told the truth. and yet, in a way there's still...something wrong there. especially with how great it feels later to think again of that moment this person asked me what was wrong and of me telling them through tears..eh.
i just want to slap myself once and for all and yell "WAKE UP!" and i always think i'll stop this, just stop it and become the cool person i was a few months ago, but i don't stop, whining all day long to myself and living in this sort of half reality.

truth is, there's a reason if i feel that way. I can feel i am fake. when i'm not, i go where i need to get help. if something is holding me back, there's a good reason. my problem is just that the first person i'm faking to is myself. and that's tricky because i don't really know.
so I could stop cutting, yes. but it won't solve anything, so i don't think i will. as much as i don't like the idea of getting marks on all my arm.
but then i don't know what to do. i don't want to talk to anyone because i'll become attention sucker i just know it. so to preserve them and my self esteem, that's not good. so i just have to get real on my own. but for some reason i don't. what really worries me is that i'm completely drowning in my classes though. but as a whole whining every single second to myself, that's really annoying. i can at least keep some pride by whining only to myself and not to others. except when it just happens (like with that phone call, and that person who asked me what was wrong, great now it will always feel akward to see them).
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby CrackedGirl » Tue Oct 22, 2013 1:21 pm

Sounds like you are really tying yourself in knots thinking about all of this. I really hope that you are able to find a way of getting some help which you feel OK about. Thinking of you - let me know if I can help at all

Hugs

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Thu Oct 24, 2013 5:44 am

well you're helping already by replying

you know i guess i'll end up going, just not yet... today i felt better, legit, more alive. if i feel legit more i'll end up going, cause i can go only if i feel legit
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:54 pm

attention related most definitly, at least those days. And a problem with relation to others in general obviously. I hate it that I'm craving attention that much, and I hate to walk away from people who offer to "help" me, but feel like I have to, for my own good. I wish I could be all alone for a moment with no one caring at all (i don't mean necesserly caring for me but for the community i'm part of more generally, college), i just need to be isolated so i can find myself again and stop this. and i'm so jealous of those people who don't have any problem going to others and talk to them about personal stuff, i hate them for it, because i can't although i want to (hm do i want to? not even sure). sometimes i can't even feel empathy anymore, just cold jealousy. i hate complaning as well btw.
found out i can't use health services on campus for insurance reasons. (counselling is still accessible, it's not related). however, took a weight down of my shoulders, i don't want to be sick as much anymore, wich makes me even more aware of how all this community stuff on campus is triggering me.
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby CrackedGirl » Sun Oct 27, 2013 6:48 pm

Hey

may I ask you a question about are you always hard on yourself? I totally get not wanting to feed negative attention seeking behaviour but it really sounds like you need and deserve some help to figure out all that is going on for you. Please give yourself the break to get it and please dont be so hard on yourself.

Anyhow I am listening

huge hugs

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Sat Nov 02, 2013 11:28 pm

dunno if i'm "hard" on myself... just trying to be fair and honest

btw, just noticed something. i'm not sure anymore i'm an attention seeker; I think it would be more accurate to say that attention triggers me. does this make any difference? (i mean, is there a big difference between both?)
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby CrackedGirl » Mon Nov 04, 2013 10:51 am

I think that you are so honest that you end up being hard on yourself.

I think there is a difference re attention - I think kbeing triggered is more complex and does not always mean you flat out want attention- it is more complicated than that imo

Hugs

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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Nov 08, 2013 5:56 am

so today i sort of felt again, which in itself, is a good thing. but i feel really low, i feel i am a parasit. like i have to stay away from people because otherwise i'm just gonna stick to them like those little insects that suck your skin and won't let you go. On the bus tonight looking outside i just wished i could escape in the woods and cut all relashion with everyone because i can't tell anymore if what i feel is even real, i inhabit myself but i look at the situation from outside at the same time. sometimes i'll believe something i feel and later i'd just understand how fake and innacurate the whole situation was. It's like everything i feel is created in response to people who surrounds me and how i would like eventually to get their attention. If only it was a counscious controled process, but it isn't. I always realise later, not on the moment. I see the different perspectives later. It's crazy it's like i'm never myself.
And is that normal, this one person who made me speak to them three weeks ago; before that i barely noticed them, and now, i think about this person all the time! I feel like those little animals who follow everywhere the first person they see when they are born, be it their parents or someone else. That's how i feel like, i want to be linked to this person, and don't care for the people of counselling services anymore. in other words, this is who i want attention from. suck attention from. this is so wierd, and i stay away from them because that's when i feel like a parasit, so it's so frustrating at the same time and it hurts, but that's the thing to do. And i feel very alone.
Today i went to explore what counselling services looked like, just to know where it was. made me freak out, i just wanted to run away from this door. so i turned back pretty fast.
I continue the cutting thing, even when i don't like it. Yesterday i didn't like it, and i can't stand the smell of the disinfecting spray anymore, but i keep doing it, just keep doing it. I bought a sort of arm sock so it's perfect to cover the cuts which are now numerous and very visible. So I don't have to worry about a sleeve slipping and i myself don't have to see it all the time. I even wear it in my room when i'm alone.

part of me today thought that i could really do with some help because i just don't see the solution there and i'm driving myself crazy. Another part of me thinks the plan is working marvellously. I just change perspectives so much all the time, and the only consistent thing is that i'm a parasit and i have to stay away fom people for their own good. Not that i think i have the power to really annoy them majorly, but even to annoy them minorly is bad enough. I feel like my affection needs are way to much to ask for, i'm this little animal looking for someone to follow everywhere and just cling to, i feel like a 5 year old right now.

oh well, i'm seeing a general practice doctor tomorrow for other things, i guess she will see my arm (i hope so and without any guilt about hoping so), and yeah, it wouldn't hurt to talk about that briefly. Maybe she could tell me if she thinks i can get scars (i thinks all those marks are of the sort that will fade).

so. yeah.
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Re: Munchi cravings and counselling services

Postby Emm' » Fri Nov 08, 2013 10:53 pm

first time ever i'm taken blood pressure and blood test on the right arm! so i got to keep the other one hidden in its sock.
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