Munchausen has taken over my life at 19 ...

[u]I am 19 years old, female and think I have munchausen syndrome ..

I cannot say exactly when this started but it has definitely got way out of hand. I think it mostly started during high school when I was doing things such as:
*Cutting the inside of my nose to give myself nosebleeds whenever I wanted,
*Hitting myself in the face and cutting my lips,
*Hitting my hands with rocks so I could go to school wrapped in bandages,
*Even hyperventilated to make myself shake and pass out.

I am now at university and things have got way out of hand. At the moment I am only happy when there is something wrong with me. The odd thing is that my family and most of my friends have no idea what is going on. This confuses me as I think I am only doing this to try and make my doctors and nurses worry about me, not to make anybody in my life worry. To summarize what is going on is:
*I have been making myself pass out for over a year, leading to intense investigation from many departments. Thing is that I do get insane migraines that cripple me to the point that I cant stand up or move and I often make myself pass out when these are happening. I am not sure if this has anything to do with it,
*I have deliberately not taken or taken too much medication before heart tests in the past, as for some reason I rally really want a pacemaker. No idea why but I feel like this could all stop if I had one,
*Tried to give myself frequent UTIs in the hope of messing up my kidneys,
*I have just been through a nose surgery to fix a hole in my septum (probably caused by the frequent cutting and nosebleeds)

Another odd thing is that I have some real problems which should probably be looked at. For example, I have a pretty awful hemorrhoid and I get almost constant pain in my upper left abdomen but these have never been investigated as I am not sure how to bring up my real problems.

Over the last year I have been admitted to hospital many times and I really wish I could live there. I know I shouldn't think like this as there are people with real serious problems there but I feel completely hopeless and despaired when I a not in hospital. It is the one thing about having munchausen syndrome that is starting to take over my life as I am constantly trying to be there for any reason.

Is there any way I can ever get over wanting to live in a hospital? The thing is I don't want to get over it. I know however awful it sounds I don't want to get over this .. I just want to be in hospital.

Wow .. anybody got any advice, comments or stories please feel free!!

REading your post, i just want to give you a hug and reassure you. But that's very weird because my mother is close to being like you and i hate it.

I don't know if mum has munchhausens'. I tend to think not. But she is definitely deluded about her health. I think she has a personality disorder (histrionic or narcissistic) and possibly delusion disorder and somataform disorder. She has had operations that i wonder if they were necessary and she does end up in hospital from time to time. Just recently she was in hospital but i don't know if she got herself there deliberately or by accident. And i'm not going to tell you what she did because i don't want to add to your bag of tricks.

Anyway all i can say is that you must get your real problems treated.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. Why don't you just admit you have this problem because if you did, you might get some advice as to how to get your needs met more effectively outside of hospital. If you could establish good relationships with some professionals, i think you'd be much better off in the long run.

I hope you tell the truth to someone. My mother has been living with her stuff for at least 35 years and she is alientating everyone. I hardly have anything to do with her. My sister tries to keep things at a minimum. All her other family are far away and find it difficult to be around her. She doesn't have any close friends. She wastes a lot of health resources.

Hi

Thank you for being brave enough to share your experiences with us.

It sounds like things are pretty difficult for you and escalating further. There are many complex reasons why ppl might fake illness but one that seems to come up is wanting some posive attention and love from ppl. When we are looked after by a healthcare team they are very attentive and put us first and this can be very tempting if life is not treating us well - or has not treated us well in the past. I do think that getting to the bottom of your behaviour is key here as when you understand something you have the power to change things should you decide you want to. I understand it would be very scary to do but I really think that asking to talk to a therapist about this would benefit you so much. There can be life after having a factitious disorder but healing from it is tough and I think you need professional support. Of course please keep talking here too.

Hugs

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Thanks for the replies guys! I know I should get help for this but I just feel like I really dont want to at the same time .. also Im guessing that when I have real problems nobody will believe me as this is kind of a massive thing to have on my records ..

Paramore93 wrote:Thanks for the replies guys! I know I should get help for this but I just feel like I really dont want to at the same time .. also Im guessing that when I have real problems nobody will believe me as this is kind of a massive thing to have on my records ..

I can understand your worry about this and I think it is a valid concern. It would be ideal to be able to work things on your own but I am not sure that would be enough to improve things - because it is all so complex I would think you would need the help of an expert therapist. Have a thik about it - it would be a very big thing to do so yeah, by all means be cautious about doing it. but also try to remember it may turn your life around.

Hugs

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I really get where you are coming from! I am going through the exact same thing! Dont want my family or friends to know anything I just crave attention from the medical professionals! I get seriously jealous when I hear about sick people and just wish it could be me so I could get into hospital! This is definitely the most complex condition to have as even when seeking help you are feeding off the medical attention rather than helping battle the condition! You are damn brave!

Thanks for replying .. you got it in a nutshell there ^^ I always find it difficult to describe .. I kind of feel as though I would be happy even if I was to end up in a mental health ward or hospital .. deep down I sort of think that is where I should be anyway .. not too sure if I can deal with this much longer .. feel like im gonna explode or have a massive breakdown or something -_-

I guess the thing that is going to determine how well you do here is you willingness to engage in therapy. I do understand that this is really tough and there are reasons you are worried to but I think in the end it is going to boil down to that. I dont think you would be locked away in a ward - which might sound like a more attractive option, rather I think you would be pushed in therapy. A lot of ppl with FD dont get better because of the benefits of the secondary gain they are getting but you can choose to try to heal - even tho I know that is very difficult to do from a practical pov. It might give you some peace tho as it sounds like you are struggling with this. I hope this is not too blunt as a message but sometimes being blunt can help. If it is not helpful feel free to ignore and if I can help at all then please feel free to PM me

Hugs

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That is way nice ^ I am not too sure how stuff like that works on this site but I will bare that in mind big thanks!

Hope you are doing OK

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