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Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

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Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby Pebbles » Sun Jul 29, 2012 11:23 am

I am curious as to who here is still in touch, or not, with their family, and in particular with the MSBP perpetrator. My own situation is that my mother was the perpetrator, and while my family presumably didn't guess what happened back then (although I think some suspected), they continued to support her as she continued to be emotionally abusive to me throughout my life. I moved hundreds of miles away, but continued to be in close contact with my mother, largely by phone, in a weirdly intensive, and utterly unhealthy, relationship. My father's been out of the picture since the divorce, in my teens. I finally broke off contact with my mother a year ago, and since I knew my family would always support her over me, I broke off contact with them as well. It wasn't easy, a few of them were nice people in many ways, but it remains the best decision I ever made, and I wish I'd made it much, much earlier. It's very hard to explain to other people, however, since I don't generally explain about the abuse, and our society treats families as holy, never to be disrupted. Which is a joke, because frankly I wish I'd grown up in foster care.
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby jilkens » Fri Aug 03, 2012 2:09 am

Your experience with family & MSBP is so similar to mine it's spooky. I had to move across the country to rid myself of my mom. At the time I didn't realize what she was doing was abuse but I knew it felt wrong and fled. She now lives on a different continent and for a long time we didn't talk. Our communication now is restricted to short messages on the internet and the occasional phone call. I'm emotionally stronger without her around.

The interesting part is that she didn't start slandering me up until a couple of years ago when her absence meant that my father & I could finally develop a relationship. She'd made sure that we weren't able to bond when I was younger and was very angry when she found out that we'd grown close. Since then I've had to cut all ties to her side of the family with the exception of my grandmother who was always a safe person to be around. I found out quite by accident how she was slandering me. It wasn't surprising at all. She'd sell me up the river if it meant she could gain something from it, but she's so good at spinning stories and manipulating people that they all hate me without fully understanding why. Good riddance to them - who needs blind hatred?! That's just how sick and twisted the perpetrators of MSBP are and how badly they taint a family system, though.

It's hard living in a place where my mom grew up and where many people know her. They're constantly asking how she's doing and when she'll return for a visit. I never know the answer to these questions and they look at me funny. The bond between a mother and daughter is supposed to be nurturing and people take it for granted when it is. Most simply don't understand what it's like to have been deprived of that.
Blame it on me, but know that I won't regret one iota.
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby ShaunaTroup » Fri Oct 18, 2013 8:42 pm

I have very limited contact with my mother, the muncher. Actually, just yesterday I figured out that my phone has a block feature and added my mother to the blocked list. Her non-stop harassment and abuse was too much for me to deal with. Rather than continuing to engage with her, I just cut the ties. Prior to that, I had only spoken to her with regard to a pending criminal trial. I haven't spoken to the rest of the maternal side of my family in years, as they are all sick in some way. I have gone long periods without speaking to my mother, the longest being approximately 9 months. I can feel her craziness, as weird as that sounds, when she speaks. It's very uncomfortable for me. I asked her to refrain from contacting me for the duration of the remainder of our lives. Her response was to harass me further. I left home when I was 16 and SURPRISE!!! all the symptoms she had been taking me to various physicians, therapists, psychiatrists, et cetera, for, just disappeared. I struggle with acceptance of the unacceptable. I cannot fathom doing things to my children that she did to me. I wasn't close with any of my maternal family growing up. My mother was around only for when things went wrong with me and I needed some sort of medical attention. Other than that, she would leave me with friends or relatives of hers for days, weeks, months at a time. I never seemed to have any problems when left in the care of others. But even with limited time around her, I would all of a sudden have some health issue or behavior problem that needed to be dealt with. I have confronted her on several occasions. She tells me, "Your perception of reality is really f***ed up." She was diagnosed with cancer some years ago. It has become metastastic and gone to her brain. Since that time, when I confront her, she blames her lack of memories about the topic at hand on her brain tumor. How convenient. Anyway, I don't know how much of that helped, but I hope it did.
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby Terry E. » Sat Oct 26, 2013 3:07 am

there is so little about MBP, out there.

as a child, no such disorder existed, then it became something that was disputed by many medicos.

we are all on the cutting edge, and I am learning that many things that I thought were very strange, unique to my situation is actually quiet common, and I am learning it right here, thanks to all of you

my mother was unfortunately quite mad, ( her worst institutionalisation was via straight jacket/ ambulance / padded cell) so it is rather easy for me, to deal with her,

I organise her care now at a retirement village, (they put her in the dementia wing) .. I have no feelings for her what so ever, took time to get there, but it happened

and the hardest thing was to work around how others thought I should feel

came to the conclusion I have no idea what they feel about their mums, and they have no idea about me.

sometimes it makes conversation hard, but I have gotten used to it
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby moon_in_june » Wed Apr 13, 2016 1:56 am

Pebbles wrote:I am curious as to who here is still in touch, or not, with their family, and in particular with the MSBP perpetrator. My own situation is that my mother was the perpetrator, and while my family presumably didn't guess what happened back then (although I think some suspected), they continued to support her as she continued to be emotionally abusive to me throughout my life. I moved hundreds of miles away, but continued to be in close contact with my mother, largely by phone, in a weirdly intensive, and utterly unhealthy, relationship. My father's been out of the picture since the divorce, in my teens. I finally broke off contact with my mother a year ago, and since I knew my family would always support her over me, I broke off contact with them as well. It wasn't easy, a few of them were nice people in many ways, but it remains the best decision I ever made, and I wish I'd made it much, much earlier. It's very hard to explain to other people, however, since I don't generally explain about the abuse, and our society treats families as holy, never to be disrupted. Which is a joke, because frankly I wish I'd grown up in foster care.


very sorry for your pain, glad that you're finding peace in your own way.
i think i've experienced a softer version of MBP than most on this board, but, still, it was physically and emotionally damaging. my mother has been and will always be the beautiful Holy Martyr, and my father's abuse long forgotten and somewhat unknown within the family.
It's just a sick, sick, dynamic where I'm expected to not expect love, connection, or resources on account of "how sick I was", and there is absolutely no truth and no justice. After pleading with family to give me as much help as my sister had gotten when she was my age, and in college, like I am, they refused on account of how they've both remarried and don't want to deal with 'how sick I was', even though I am not sick at all. Felt beyond betrayed and left out in the cold, I just severed ties with my family this month. It's better this way, I can now move on, instead of always wanting and trying for love that I will never receive.

-- Tue Apr 12, 2016 6:05 pm --

jilkens wrote:She'd sell me up the river if it meant she could gain something from it, but she's so good at spinning stories and manipulating people that they all hate me without fully understanding why. Good riddance to them - who needs blind hatred?!


thank you! i have never been able to verbalize this before, but that, right there, is exactly what my MBP mother did to me. it makes you feel like not only do you have no family to go back to, but your whole childhood community is barred to you, too. just terrible, and it's so f@cking painful, because everything you say or do to try to convince them otherwise falls on deaf earth, because, a MBP mother will always be the Holy Martyr in the eyes of everyone she knows.
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby BrooklynGirl » Sun Apr 17, 2016 7:02 pm

As a new member of psychforums, I'm excited to find people who get it. I relate so much to what you all are saying.

I just cut off my mom about a month and a half ago (or at least tried to; we'll see how that goes over the next few months). I feel exponentially better without talking to her. The bigger issue is that it is hurting my relationship with the rest of my family, specifically my sister. She is my only sibling and is not coping well with the fact that we can no longer be a whole family because I won't celebrate holidays with my mother. Rather than being mad at my mother for all the awful things she's done, she's mad at me for taking away the fantasy that we were a normal family. I don't want to lose my sister, especially because that means losing my nephews, but I also won't sacrifice my mental health by being around my mother. If my sister truly loves me, I hope she'll understand this is what's best for me, even if it's not what she wants. Time will tell.
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby Sagefusion » Thu Jun 16, 2016 8:39 am

I'm so thankful that this old thread got revitalized. I relate to what many of you have said and to answer the question, no, no I do not have contact with my family anymore. Like many of you I found that I had to move several states/miles away to feel safe and sane. The first few years after leaving home I felt slightly better, but I still had contact with my family and she would find strange ways to meddle with my thinking. She was always really adept at nurturing my insecurities about feeling disabled mentally, emotionally and physically.

It wasn't until I moved away again (farther away) and got some perspective (time) that I realized she had really strange reactions to events going on in my life. If anything good ever happened to me, instead of "oh I'm so happy for you, or congratulations" there was dead silence. BUT.. if something wasn't going well or I was ill or struggling with something she was almost elated. I finally put two and two together and realized she was only happy when I was miserable, and she seemed to get off on that and telling people in her circle about how much I was struggling. It is so twisted and sometimes doesn't feel real.

About 3 years ago I cut her our of my life permanently and she has basically ruined my relationship with cousins and aunts/uncles by her tall tales about my mental health. So now I don't have any contact with any of them, they won't take my calls. She started telling everyone I had Borderline Personality disorder, like called my own friends behind my back.. she is so nuts but then when I'd call her on it, she'd cry and say she was sorry. I used to believe her, but when she just would continue to do the same behavior over and over I had enough and cut her loose. I used to think if she was so psychopathic why would she seem so weak if I called her out on stuff, but now I realize that her remorse isn't genuine, I don't know if its manipulation or mental illness but I guess it doesn't matter. When I cut her out I started to feel worse emotionally actually. Coming to terms with the thoughts that my mother didn't love me (in a traditional sense) and was harming me was hard for me it felt like grieving for a parent dying, and in a way they did, my dream of parents that could love me died.

After about a year I started to feel better, and do better and excel in things. I feel much happier although there are times I get triggered like lately and find myself haunted by her. My spouses mother hates me and that is a big trigger for me lately. I just try to remind myself my mother-in-law is NOT my mom and that many people struggle with in-laws.
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Re: Who's in touch/no longer in touch with their family?

Postby Terry E. » Thu Jun 16, 2016 11:43 pm

How you doing Sage ??

Glad to see you are on the improve. I found that about 80% of what you wrote is exactly how I have felt at times. The big one was the grieving part. By realising what it is you are walking away from any chance you ever may have of that wonderful child/mother thing society raves about.

I was at a Mothers day High tea, up market, top end of town (being a workaholic has advantages at times). I sat there as honored guest after honored guest told stories heart warming/and amusing about there beloved mothers. My wife really wanted to go to this but I doubt we will go again. It is difficult to explian how you feel. I think you get it.

So I have grieved for what was never there, what I should have had, what could have been. Wondered how my life could have been and then get back to the reality.

Don't worry about in-laws, play the game, love your own children like there is no tomorrow and enjoy life.
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