It feels like no one's here

First, I need to apologize because I didn't realize that the one response was from Ladyswan and so I wound up responding as if it was from Crackedgirl. My apologies for the confusion.
I have appreciated responses from both of you.

Now that I've cleared up that...

I have decided that it is not in my best interest to leave the state and go to where I was considering possibly relocating. It is a far drive, for one, and I am not up to that right now.

As far as the issues with my mother go - I have been having some difficulty dealing with it lately. I want to get back into therapy, and I tried today to reconnect with the therapist I saw back in March. However, she is not taking new clients so I would have to be reassigned to a new therapist and RE-DO the two hour intake assessment. Okay. However, I have a ten dollar back balance with them (of which I was unaware) and that will have to be paid before I can even be scheduled. Ten dollars doesn't sound like much, but to me it is a lot right now.
Therapy will have to be postponed but I feel I need it asap.

The amount of destruction placed upon my life by my mother is sometimes unbearable. It feels as though I should be able to prosecute for this. Sometimes I cannot even explain it to anyone because I don't have enough (or the correct, perhaps) words to explain it all. WHO does this kind of thing to their own daughter???? It is hurtful. It is sickening!

Please dont worry hon

It is so difficult to think about who would do things like this to their kids or loved ones. I know there are all sorts of theories about why someone behaves in this manner but I dont think they properly explain it.

Sounds like the situation with therapy is difficult - I hope that gets sorted out ASAP for you.

Hugs

Cracked

Thank you.

I am at what feels like the end of my witts.

No self-respecting person would continue to live the way I've been living.

My life has been widdled down - widdled down to what my mother has been attempting to widdle it down to for YEARS! When I saw her the other day, she actually couldn't even help herself from smiling gloatingly at the pain I'm suffering!
I am HOMELESS! I am income-less and homeless!
I have NEVER lived like this before in my life!
I accepted that woman's urgency to help me financially over and over again - even when I DID have an income - and she used it as a way to control me (to giveth and taketh away at her will). I used to describe it as though a rat in a cage being shocked at random.
Then, when my income completely ran out, she pulled the rug out from under me just to watch it all fall to pieces! And she's GLOATING! And when she's not gloating, she's psychologically torturing me when I (apprehensively) go to her for BASIC help (food, gas, phone) just to SURVIVE while being homeless. I have never been a homeless person before.This has been my way of life for almost three months now. It is torture!! And one day about a month ago, my severly handicapped sister called me and said, "You must be mentally ill if you're homeless"...Mother wins at convincing (even a sick person) that I'M SICK. I'M NOT SICK! I'm Homeless!!
My mother has strung all of her other children (my supposed siblings) into this circus she has going. The more I suffer, the more she rallies them around her. There is a difference between being homeless due to mental illness and being homeless because circumstances got one there. I do suppose that mental-illness has been a factor, as I wrongfully trusted my mother who I knew was hurting me.
I am an intelligent woman with a good work history. This economy sucks. There are millions of people who can't get jobs right now, no matter how hard one seeks employment. However, my mother and family are deciding to use it as a reason to call me "ill" in my circumstance.
Moreover, my mother has contacted every landlord I've had over the past couple of years. My former therapist (from decades ago) asked me (in a shocked tone) "WHY have you told her where you've lived!!?!". Each time I've told my mother each new place I've moved over the past couple of years, it has fallen apart (Even when I've had the money and even when I'd had a decent seeming relationship with the landlord. I would be as professional as possible with the landlord and suddenly, within a few months after disclosing my location to my mother, the landlord would turn oddly personal in a way that I'd never even experienced with that particular landlord before - male and female, no matter, until I fled - sometimes even breaking leases and returning my money, when I had done NOTHING WRONG as a tenant).
I know this is all jumbled, maybe, it is rambling writing. I am at my witts' end. I can't take it anymore.

At times when I haven't told her where I was living, she would find out through having my so-called siblings look me up and when she would say, in almost a coy way, "I know where you are" or "I have an idea of where you're living" or even blatantly "so-and-so looked you up", I was STUPID to confirm where I was. What does one do? I wasn't sure what to do...it is not within my nature to lie. And when afraid of someone (who is psychologically abusive), I'd just fess up. I felt backed into a corner...like maybe if I just fessed up she would get what she needed and back off...but it never worked out that way. What information she gets she only uses and uses and uses. It is SOOO confusing.
Just recently when I had to see her to get help for survival (gas and money for food, which was treachurous to obtain from her - it gave her carte blanche to psychologically abuse me so that I could just GET WHAT I NEED, and I really didn't want to have to call her, so I'd waited until I was desperately in need - not a good spot to be in with her), she began asking questions. Asking her twisting questions about things that are none of her business.
I lived in my car for a bit right after I moved out of the last apartment I rented (this past April, including my birthday). It was something I'd NEVER imagined I would ever have to do. But I did it.
My mother was aware that that was how I was living, because I'd angrily told her. Then, a friend decided to help me get a motel room - and I am so grateful! A shower, a bed, a mini-fridge, a microwave. While it is not ideal, it is way better than living in the car.
When I've seen my mother (the few times) since I've been able to stay in a motel room, I've met her at a gas station. I have not shared with her that I've had the good fortune to get a room. I don't want her to know and I don't want her to know about the friend who is helping me. That information is off-limits to her. It doesn't affect her, it is none of her business. But last time I met her, she kept toying with me over it. Clearly I am cleaner than I was when I was staying in the car, and my car is not packed to the limit. She kept asking questions. I kept dodging them - it was a whole gaslighting ploy on her part, with each question coming quicker than I could even dodgingly respond, each question meant to trip me up. And she had such a SICK smile on her face! Finally she said, "I think you're staying someplace!" with that sick smile.
What is that?!?! What IS that?!?!

Hi, wordgirl. Just let me throw some support your way.

You've been through hell, and the fact that you're feeling pain is actually a sign of normalcy and good health -- thousands of other MSBP survivors don't even know they're in pain, because our idea of "normal" is so completely screwed up.

I know this, because for decades I had no idea what was so screwed up in my own life -- until I finally solved the puzzle. Taken out of elementary school for months at a time by my mother (who was a nurse and knew how to talk her way around doctors and hospitals), diagnosed with some bogus illness, forced to take God-knows-what drugs ...

You have the right to be happy. And if this means a painful and difficult move away from the crazy, abusive people in your life, then MOVE! They'll do what they can to mess your life up, especially after you break free of them, because that feeds their ego. Just remember that it's YOUR life, you own it, and they can't control it.

Again: You have the right to be happy. And no, you are not alone.