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how to deal with the rage

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how to deal with the rage

Postby EvansTravels » Fri Jun 23, 2017 12:41 pm

i would be here for days if i typed up my story. maybe eventually but not now. i cant deal with the anger anymore. sometimes if i isolate myself from my mom as much as possible and smoke a ton of pot i will have relief from the anger. the problem is, my mom is still in complete control of my life. im 21 now, turning 22 in a couple months. im an adult. the one chance i had to get out was a year ago, when I had a chance to work an entry level job with a very large company with tremendous growth potential, awesome benefits, good pay, ect. i couldve moved out, and it would be over. literally as i was filling out the job application, she called the cops on me and had me arrested for disorderly conduct. I got the job, when i was in jail. they emailed me 5 times before they had to retract the offer after they couldnt get ahold of me. after that, i spent the next several months obsessing over finding a decent job, going so far as to get licenced to sell life insurance for a pyramid scheme. i busted my ass looking for work, couldnt catch a break, now im completely burnt out and have been unemployed for over a year. i have to get as far away from this place as i possibly can. i need someone to say "hey, come work for me, just do your job and your good" because i just dont have the drive anymore. ive got nothing left. im still in school, working towards an associates degree (can transfer to work towards a bachelors) which is incredibly difficult given the fact that my mom will do everything in her power to make academic success an impossibility i can only dream about. even so, i somehow managed to pass my classes this year, and am almost half done. my point is, it will be at least another couple years before i have a degree, and have another chance to leave. so i am forced to live with her. im going long-distance backpacking this summer partially because i enjoy it, but also partially so i can test the waters of homelessness, so i can see what it would be like to live out of a backpack.
anyway, this anger just builds and builds and builds with no healthy outlet. i have literally no support from anyone, there is not a single person in this world i can talk to. i have such a powerful hatred twords my mom, for the decades of physical, mental, and emotional abuse which has eroded my sanity, competence, and ability to function in society. im not doing very well. i havent showered or changed my clothes in over a month. theres trash everywhere, moldy food, disgusting, condemnable living conditions. i cant function. i cant clean my room. i just cant. i can try, but ###$ it, it doesnt matter. ive spent the last year of my life on my computer playing video games 24/7. when i say 24/7, i mean 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. the only time i left my computer in the last year was to eat, use the bathroom, or go to class (and quickly come home, ignore my homework, and continue playing pointless video games.) my sleep schedule is beyond destroyed, ill stay up for 40+ hours at a time without breaking a sweat. i disassociate from reality constantly, i will withdraw into my thoughts and become preoccupied with them to the point where i lose awareness of whats going on around me. something really needs to change in my life and i am scared. i dont know what to do. i dont have health insurance so i cant talk to a therapist. the anger i have towards my own mother tortures my very being to the point of agony, anger is truly one of the worst emotions. other times ill feel incredibly guilty about being angry, and ill think about how i should love my mom, and i have no right to be mad.
with that being said, shes batshit crazy, you can see it in her eyes, hear it in her words, ect. again, if i were to sit here and type my story, it would take days, theres just so much. the only way i can let go of this rage is if this ends completely, and i no longer have to deal with this insanity. im still alive, but i dont feel like a "survivor"
EvansTravels
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Re: how to deal with the rage

Postby Terry E. » Sat Jun 24, 2017 3:36 am

You are basically alone. You need to work on what you can control. Little things. But build to big things.

Improve your situation one piece at a time.

You have to do it. You can do it. You just need to start.

If you don't.. she wins.
Terry E.
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