Many other "small" things,
gaslighting me and my brother about us being rivals up to a late age,
Interesting my brother and I were driven apart from an early age and she worked very hard on that, setting up one to cause physical punishment on the other again and again,
weekly health checkups with her own daddy doctor,
my grandparents were enwebbed in her world. He was a very bright man, but was trapped playing a role in something quite insane. Looking from the outside an observer would say, how could he, but it happened so slowly like a frog boiling in a pot
repeated ...bone injuries,
have you checked your bone density
repeated cold showers (physical abuse ) for anger management (they loved cold showers in psychiatric institutions in the seventies, must have felt like home, I guess) beaming smile when my brother broke my nose
same but she did not smile, he broke hers very badly a little later
and she had it fixed "better than the original" (as she claimed), endless shopping errands to the drugstore, psychoanalytic psychodrama for anger management between me and my brother, hypnosis therapy, et ceterae, et ceterae, et ceterae...
That's what I meant when I wrote that "childhood was OK". And I still do believe it: it's fairly low intensity compared to what it would have been had we not had this visit of social services after the fourth stomach pumping and the second or third chin bone fracture.
how did you get three chin bone fractures
what did your father grandfather do about a social services visit
Moreover she's more addicted to ...than anyone I've met, popping pills since the 70s at incredibly high dosages.
my mother was prescription, non prescription and alcohol
It's partly the fact that I discovered the extent of that addiction that led to the second psychiatric commitment for alleged violence.
why alleged, how old were you
she tried to have my brother institutionalised at 15 for being uncontrollable, it was the 60s and a parent could do that then
Drama queen for sure, but she really snapped completely when her parents died.
was it her father this was aimed at ?
Also linked, I believe to the tuberculosis she had in childhood. That was a trauma (DRAMA - center of attention) for her.
Another trauma she had was the inability she experience to save one of her patients(mod edit..) in the 70s. Allegedly, the boy was excellent a school and he got a slightly-less-than-excellent mark and committed suicide. So goes the legend, at least.
The only thing I believe I need to rule out for MBP is whether or not she was fully delusional (when lying or dramatising or inducing),
and this is the hard part, as I believe there is part of them that knows the truth but part that thinks it may be fact. In many cases where the mother is poisoning she may well believe that she is only doing it so the doctors will do something as they are continually missing what they see- and remember they are all different, so it is very shades of cream - the cream, the off white, the bone
or not. There were sadistic elements in her behaviour, (sure were) but I still haven't figured out whether they do fit in a psychoanalytic delusion or not.
grandpolly wrote:Thank you Terry. It seems you're the first person I meet that understands the logic of what I've went through, even though it seems to me you may be oversystematising it (or I'm still undersystematising it, which could be some kind of denial). The smart friend of mine who came up with MBP did so with an outlook from the outside. It seems I found out another outlook from the inside.
I question all who come here. After all this is a psyche forum. inevitably the ones that do tick the boxes usually tick a hell of a lot of them. So far it has been a clear, yes or no. The more I read with you it is a clear yes.
My mother came up with the theory (psychoanalysis again...) that I was the abuser of my younger brother. So not only could I not retaliate in any way (which never had any impact on the evaluation of who was an abuser), but he could get away with any kind of provocation and later outright violence against me. I did not mind. However, he could not behave the same way at school with his comrades than he was behaving with me. They weren't shying out of the day to day bullying school kids do practice. That did not end well, as he gradually got out of the school system. And I believe that by finding excuses and not behaving pragmatically, that was part of the whole MBP drama. Which will of course forever be a thought that my father will never be able to withstand. That's a main component of why I believe my brother is the main victim, and something I've been seeing through while I still was at home with them.
Interesting parallel. My brother was thoroughly screwed up, but she treated us totally different. She went out of her way for him to succeed at school moved him to better private schools where as she went out of her way to make me fail. At school I was near top of the A class while my brother was always in the B class. He was bright but had issues at school that effected his schoolwork. My first term in high school I came 192nd out of 196 and scored bottom of school in multiple subjects. Took her a while but it worked. I would up scraping into UNI then never had a problems after that, wound up a very successful CPA.
My mother's father was a medical doctor, but he originally practiced in (mod edit) in a not-so-urban environment. It wasn't inherently crazy that he'd been the doctor of his whole family at that time and place. Due to being displaced out of (mod edit) after 1962, the extended maternal family always seeked to maintain some kind of geographic cohesion, which meant the the family was unusually tightly knit. The weekly health checkups were likely some kind of tradition they maintained from the past. But more importantly, my mother started taking over, when I was small, the office of her father (approximately). We, in ...., have a "carnet de santé" where all medical acts on small kids are supposed to be handwritten by caregivers. This one was mostly handwritten by my mother and her father. The mania with which it was kept is staggering.
My grandfather slowly (mod edit) . He was gradually cornered by my grandmother as some nonsensical old guy. He wasn't nonsensical, but withdrawn in his late years. My mother, and my father, were very likely taking sides against my grandmother in this game. That goes in your direction: "was it her father this was aimed at ?". It likely partially was. But it really manifested itself on Wednesday female family discussions: my grandmother, my mother and her sister discussing family issues over some meal while the kids they brought were playing around in another room. That's where I perceived that kind of intense and unspoken rivalry which basically boiled down to: "who was raising the kids better than everyone else?". My grandfather's advice wasn't exactly welcome in this discussion, but I feel that my mother wanted his attention, but also wanted him to break free.
He died of the consequences of a cerebrovascular stroke. My grandmother took care of him. Then she died 1 or two years later. At that point, my father made the decision to reverse the decision he made when I was born: when I was born, he half-sacrificed his career to move near my mother's family (i.e. the tightly-knit mentality). Later on, when maternal grandparents were dead, he decided that living near the ocean was a better choice. My mother's family was growing more and more appart, I had left home to study, and my brother was unmanageable at that time. It was time for a change, and my mother had just become fully qualified as a psychiatrist. The attention seeking focus was shifted from "my father + maternal family" to "my father + medicine co-workers + community of parents of high IQ kids". Okay that is interesting
10 years later I believed the attention focus shifted to "my father + herself and her life story + some MDs for my brother".
I haven't checked my bone density. But I infer that it's quite low: I've been a competitive swimmer at one point in time, and the floating I managed to get by was quite impressive. I've also heard a physician talking about my X-rays radiographies telling me that my bones were rather fragile.
I do believe that an over active hypothalamus can have issues on bone density. My brother fractured his lower arm limb 4 times between 8 -12. Don't quote me but do more research
I know I've been underfed as her health obsessions led her to quack nutrition behaviours. No fats, everything cooked with vapour, very little meat. Barely 50kg by age 16.
Was 56kg at 183cms tall at 16. Great way to undermine health. Stress the child and don't feed them. Who needs poison.
That was the main contentious issue with my father's mother as it was so obvious something was wrong with nutrition. The fridge became a battleground for me and my brother when she wasn't around. I withdrew from that conflict, learnt how to ignore hunger, and even nowadays, I sometimes go on for two or three days without eating, as I do not mind hunger (to some extent...)
Not a good sign make nutrition a priority
When I mentioned that she smiled after the nose fracture, in fact she "glowed" after I came out of the doctor's office with the band aid around my nose. That's the only moment I caught her, almost face to face, with the "glow" you mentionned.
she knew her job was done
Concerning the child protection visit, I only overheard it in the evening from my bedroom. Memories are fuzzy. I believe that my father felt under stress as he was travelling a lot to (mod edit) for his career. I'm under the impression that it played even more in the "we should take more care of our kids" attitude on him. It maybe disciplined my mother. My grandparents, I do not believe that they were aware in any way. I cannot even imagine my mother disclosing it to them during the weekly Wednesday discussion with her mother and sister.
For the three (or two) ..bone fractures, I do not have many memories. Only one. I remember that it was a party or social event where there were other kids. I stepped on some toy with wheels and the motion drew me to a door that perhaps opened at that moment. It's a very vague memory. These fractures were most likely some kind of neglect.
Well the tuberculosis she had in childhood seemed to be real.
It is possible that the attention this cuases them sets them up to use it as a fall back later in life. Sick= attention.
The path from trauma to drama is indeed one that I understand and one not to take. One trigger that led me to think more emotionnally about MBP a few years ago than the intellectual cold-hearted self-diagnosis I made was that I indeed found out that in my interactions with psychiatric staff 15 years later on, in order to attempt to retrieve some basic rights that I've been stripped off, I've myself played the drama around my trauma. I'm conscious about it, not proud of it, but I feel like I've no other choice. It's the whole relation to medicine that is now screwed and that I need to get fixed as fast as possible. The ultimate problem is that a diagnosis of schizophrenia physically forces you to play the sick role (i.e. lack of "insight"). That's the brick wall I'm currently banging my head against.
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests