I understand that it is the horror of horrors to be made sick on purpose by an abuser, and then be forced to view you abuser as your saviour. But I just can't help having an inferiority complex against survivors of MBP. Every person I know who was abused as a child, has later in life been shown proof that they did nothing wrong, and it was all the abuser's fault.
They all have loads of scientific research to turn to, that proves how everything their abusers did was sick, abnormal and twisted. I don't have that.
My "abuse" was, and still is, a matter of opinion. There is no definite right or wrong. I will never hear anyone say "yes, malfif, you were abused, and your parents are very sick people". It will always be up for debate.
My parents pushed me into several institutions, trying to get me diagnosed for various mental deseases which I did not have, such as schizophrenia, schizoid PD, paranoia etc. They established an e-mail contact with my psychologist behind my back, and the psychologist had agreed that I might be schizophrenic (based entirely on my parents accounts, and inspite of having met me and not seen any indicators of illness). When my social worker confronted her, all talk of schizophrenia just vanished, she never brought it up again.
My father forced me to eat too little, and then sent me to an eating disorder center where he tearfully told the staff how worried he was about me not eating. He got me out of school, so I was almost completely isolated for about two years. He constantly talked to me about all the mental disorders and deseases he thought I had. Evereytime I objected, he saw it as a sign of me being paranoid and refusing to realize that I needed help.
My parents have contacted my bosses at every workplace I've been to, telling them how worried they are about my wellbeing and mental health. They contacted my college to see how I was doing. They showed up outside my flat unannounced, and shouted through the letterbox for 15 minutes at a time. Because of this, any new friends I made soon thought I was sick and distanced themselves from me, despite having no problem with me before talking to my parents.
I'm now 25. Two years ago, I tried to commit suicide, after several failed attempts to escape from my parents clutches. I spent four months in a hospital ward for suicidal patients. The staff there understood right from the start that something was off about my parents, and instructed everyone in the hospital, the psychiatry, and the social office, to not give out any information about me to anyone who contacted them. My mother reported me missing in order to find out where I was, and the police, being the thickos they are, of course told her I was at that hospital. So she showed up and waited outside the ward (it was a locked ward, thank god) for hours on end, but the staff refused to even confirm if I was there or not.
The therapists I've had since then have all been amazing, and although my parents still keep contacting them with all sorts of rubbish bleeding-heart stories, the staff aren't buying it, and refuse to give them any information.
Anyway, I have a serious inferiority complex towards survivors of MBP. What I went through doesn't even have a name. There's no research, no diagnosis, no psychiatrist telling the world about the profound effect that this sort of "treatment" has on the victim in the long run. It's too different from the regular forms of abuse, and yet too mild to be classed as MBP. It really isn't fair! I have spent the last 9 years feeling like a desease on legs. I have had every part of my psyche and imagination twisted inside out by "professionals" to the point where I'm just an empty shell now. Seriously, there is nothing left inside of me. Not even darkness anymore. Just emptiness. No matter how hard I try, my subconciousness still believes that there is something severely wrong with my brain and body. Nothing is as it should be. I'm sick, sick, sick! And retarded. And incapable of an adult lifestyle (I was bullied at college because I wasn't sexually active, everyone treated me like a retard).
It's bloody unfair that what my parents did was given a million different excuses by the "professionals": they were tired, they were worried about me, they didn't know how to handle a teenager, I was overreacting, my parents loved me very much and in time I would see that, bla bla bla. Not once - NOT ONCE - did anyone say "this is wrong". The only people who believe me are the therapists I'm seeing now, and I feel like the only reason they don't question my "story" is because they have only heard my side of it. Everyone who spoke to my parents always came to the conclusion that they were just lovely people, and that if I stopped having unreasonable ideas of what a parent should be, then I would soon feel better. So the only way for me to be taken seriously is by isolating my therapists from my parents. And I will never be able to tell a future friend or partner about my past, because they wouldn't believe me (I currently have neither friends nor a partner).
I have told my psychologist about this, and she says that she understands why I can't trust people anymore. No matter how accepted I feel while I'm talking to her, as soon as I leave her office the anger overpowers me again. I feel like it's me against the whole world.
It's simply not fair that other abused children grow up to find scientific definitions of the abuse they experienced, and support groups and communities and whatever, and I have nothing. Why is it that MBP survivors have autobiographies and films and scientific facts to turn to - in short, they are taken seriously - while I have to be content with a few psychologists having faith in me to tell them the truth?
I always feel a little less angry after posting on this forum. I'm sorry if I offended anyone, that was not my intent. I know and understand how awful you lives have been, and coming from someone who has had her own problems diminished, I would absolutely not wish for you to feel like that's what I'm doing to you.
*Pity rant over*