I'm writing about my mother having some variation or spectrum of Munchausen by Proxy Disorder (MPD). I say spectrum or variation because now the Psychology world is start to recognize that most psychiatric disorders do have a spectrum. While I'm not sure if my mom ever poisoned me, I did have early medical and psychological treatment, starting at the age of four.
The thing that I find confusing is, it's not that I didn't get sick or seem to have issues, but based on my Mom's over reaction to issues, its because of this that I think she has MPD. When I was in my teens I found out that my pediatrician fired my mom as a patient because he thought she was taking me to many doctors. I did have at least 5 doctors when I was about 12 years old, she started me in psychotherapy when I was four years old. I stayed in therapy all my childhood mostly for anxiety.
What scares me the most is, I wonder if MPD enabled my mom to not report the physical and sexual abuse that I was enduring from my father. He would strangle me in-front of her and my brother, but she wouldn't intervene and then I would goto therapy and she would act dumbfounded for why I was having anxiety. I wonder if this is something that fed her need for me to be in therapy and is one reason she never stopped my dad from physically and sexually abusing me.
I spent the majority of my life's therapy work healing from the sexual trauma, but now I realize that I haven't fully addressed the abuse from my mom. I have cut her out of my life, going on about 2 years now and this is the first time I've allowed myself to feel anger towards her. I'm angry that she didn't protect me from a child abusing husband, and that she claims to be an innocent victim claiming she didn't know it was going on, when I know that she at least knew about the physical abuse. I'm just starting to dive into my feelings about the medical abuse.
Some background on my mom is she isn't a nurse, but she's an Occupational Therapist. She was an OT in the medical field, diagnosing childhood head trauma and working with Autism. Her father was a physician and I know that my mom was very ill as a child, to the point that when she was 11 all her hair fell out. I read that some people that have MPD, might have suffered at the hands of someone who was MPD themselves, that could have her mother for all I know (she was diagnosed as being Bipolar with Psychotic episodes). It seemed fairly obvious that my mom received love and empathy from being ill as a child herself.
The most frustrating thing is that I did have some unusual medical/mental issues as a child. We discovered when I was 15 that I'm intersex, meaning not quite male or female. My mom was "thrilled" and she thought this explained everything. Granted her take on me being intersex was to force me to go through basically and unwanted sex change with hormones, and she wanted to cut my breasts off. I did have a lot of anxiety and depression growing up but looking back on the "mental issues" I had I think it was PTSD from living with my rapist. I never felt safe at home for the first 18 years of my life.
I guess the most frustrating thing is that it seems like I was born into family in which I was the scapegoat for not only sexual abuse but I was blamed for my anxiety by a mother who then went on to medically abuse me. I have horrible anxiety about anything healthcare related to this day. I'm just starting to remember some really strange events where I was treated for medical issues including my mom flying me to Mexico to get diagnosed with something that they weren't able to find in me, and being put on diets when I was really little, that my brother didn't have to endure.
It's feels creepy and sad, I guess I'm still trying to comprehend it all.