I usually don't post here on Psych Forums unless I read someone else's experience and it sounds uniquely very closely akin to my own very odd, longstanding one which went unresolved when my doctor--an otherwise great one, who worked with me for years to get to the crux of my issues--had to leave town after his wife heard he was...errr, philandering while here, and she drove in all the way from D___, UT (his last name matched the name of the city where they lived, and polygamy is no unfamiliar concept there, hence his faulty, self-justification for his...errr, philandering with the receptionist at a local Lifeskills, Inc. here in my hometown.
This doctor did actually interrupt my mother's unending upending of my life--over 27 years of emotional torture she put me through...well, my story is on another page, so here's http://www.psychforums.com/munchausen-by-proxy/topic140240.html.
That past, I'll tell you what's going on now with me.
I've been recently diagnosed with late-stage (stage 4) liver, bile duct, lymph node, and pancreatic cancer, and--although I've fought hard, found a great doctor (have another great one lined up for when mine retires at the end of November, too!), we've found the right chemo drug for me in just 3 tries!--(one failed so canceled, so 2.5 tries), AND it's Gemzar, one of the easiest chemo drugs with regards to side effects!
So, I'm duly blessed, and I certainly don't need my mommy to know who to be grateful to!
Uhm, that'd be these entities--and these facts, too--in order of grateful obligation and endless, freely-given gratitude:
Jesus (yup, I did just go there, and no worries for me, I love him as my Lord, and I can only hope you can find who he is to you--yourself--through all the white noise
My wonderful doctors (and I'd surely guess the makers of Gemzar, amiRIGHT?!)
The fact my last hospital visit actually served to help me find my next Oncologist (mine's retiring at November's end)
My wonderful girlfriend (an RN--so, again...how lucky am I, so...LUCK in this case='God's Unbelievable Grace' (on a guy who's never won a $2 lottery ticket)
The fact that the chemo drug that is working for me is one of the easiest to bear the side effects of!
The fact that I live within a short drive of my doctor's office, AND my chemo infusion lab--and get along with that staff GGGGGRRRRREEEAT!
I have a solid workhorse of a car that could get me to Nashville if I qualify for any trials there.
Two awesome family friends who've offered to drive me--even FLY me--to the NIH in Maryland if I needed to go! (they're awesomely fun pickers, though, so I'd rather ride with them in their car than fly anytime, they are so interesting...and inspiring, too, BTW.
My friends (those still left around--most fled this mid-sized KY city bereft of real compassion, where people are rudely apathetic yet enjoy more restaurants per capita...)
My cats (and yussss, I did just say that, too....b-b-b-but she did this to me (girlfriend), and honestly, they make me very happy, and not one of them has ever opened his mouth to lie to me yet, while peeeople.....nuff said.
OK, my younger (and now incredibly fatter) brother visited me in the hospital, shed a few croc tears like mom has (while soaking in ALL THAT VAINGLORIOUS ATTENTION ON BEHALF OF HER SON LIKE....MMMMMMMMMM...as Mr. Hankey would say, "Like the smell of flowers"--and SHE goes to a local SUPERCHURCH, membership of well over 5 THOUSAND people (in a city with a population of a mere 70k--at best--when the local university is in full session, AND the Sturgiss crowd is here....like THIS weekend!)...So she just LUVS, LUVS, LUVS all the fresh new attention she's garnered at Sunday School, and has those tears at-the-ready when there (funny, she claims to have that tear-duct disease and have small tear ducts when I'm in incredible, severe chemo pain at home--in fact, left me without help AT ALL this week when my Dr's orders after hospital release (my RBC count had been 9 when I was admitted, I had to get 2 units of blood, I've never had to get blood before, my legs were like tree stumps, severe tissue damage was done them ALL WEEK LONG because she denied me a single night's stay to help me with chores, even though we were supposedly getting ready for 'my' lake house trip.
See how it all gets strung out? See how it would take a maintenance cleanup team, another team of linguistic pro's, and another entire medical team just to catch all that was done 'to me' by merely 'denying me the attention and care'? She didn't have to do anything--she provided the apathy, leaving me alone to do all my dishes, all my laundry, all the care and feeding of my (newly indoor/outdoor converted--successfully!) cats, all the housecleaning (there was SO much my FAMILY had been complaining about in making excuses for why they would never come to my house--I'll post a pic to show how lovely it is outside, and it's cluttered but there can be no other excuses for what they've done to me regarding the inside--my house is actually one of the cleaner ones in my entire family!)...everything...myself.
And STILL I managed to keep my feet higher than my heart just enough to BEAT ALL THAT PAIN AND BRING THE SWELLING DOWN, IN SPITE OF THEIR TOTALLY INHUMANE APATHETIC TREATMENT OF ME (like a pariah--continual lifelong scapegoating...all who know MbP as vics know it well)...
So, brother gets 'me' a lakehouse 'free of charge', I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN ACCEPT THIS FALSE 'OFFERING', because I always end up getting lied about, slandered and lied about to others (and I wonder, who are the people who know me through my deceitful younger brother--or my incredibly-convincing, yet always lying, mother? Could I be wasting my breath with one of them as I'm currently speaking? As I said, he's a 'go-getter' realtor (stepping on every toe, burning every bridge, using everyone he meets who he fools into caring anything about him), and she and my spineless dad both go to this local 'MegaChurch' (which I attended every Sunday as a kid, loved every minute of it, loved the homemade ice cream socials, volleyball, etc)...and I'm FOOLISH enough to weep ACTUAL big-boy tears onto his lying shoulder, even after barely escaping that family's longstanding tradition of lies (to have me jailed--false, to have me institutionalized--for being a 'crazy drunk'--again, falsified so they could feed off the attention)...
What an ABSOLUTE FOOL I AM, right?
No, the vics of MbP asswipes simply cannot help it--we're like children when it comes to our families--in spite of all their mischief, lies--their planned AND executed outright and total destruction of our entire lives, we are still the type of children of God who might not trust a stranger with candy, but when it comes to our hopelessly demoniac, spite-filled, incredibly dangerous families, we'd die in their arms after one of them poisoned us one night after tricking us over to their house for a cookout or something.
SO--it's not like I've forgiven myself, but I've found a sort of peace this time that finally put things all together and made me realize it's always been all of them, not just my mother as ringleader, either...but all of them have, numerous times too many to count, set out to trick me, followed through with what are sometimes incredibly sophisticated plans, and again turned me into the goat--the fool, an idiot, an ingrate, and any other character-assassinating, very assumptive, most often completely untrue...'thing'...that they can once again use to upbraid and 'enlarge' their egos, while attempting to send me into paroxysms of guilt, angst, and self-loathing feelings that, somehow, they would actually rapture themselves over if I were to actually allow their lying foolishness, mischief, and shenanigans to drive me to do something I'd regret (and I'll go no further--none of those who've suffered at the hands of such cruelty need it--at all, we know it all too well already...and it just so happens to be a beautiful day outside here--and I hope your places, as well).
Now that I've finally had enough of this treatment and watched it spread throughout the entire family unchecked due to each of their own character flaws and personality disorders, I'm prepping for caring for my cancer myself, since it seems a red carpet has been rolled out for such (see bulletted list earlier).
BUUuuuut I ramble here--I do that.
So the basics are this: when my brother told me about the lakehouse, he also said, quote, "K___ said you guys (me, mom, dad) could stay on even later if you wanted, I just have to get back home before the weekend is over to get K__ (my nephew) back to school.
Long story short--I thought about it, got my OWN house in order even though my mother immediately put her own toxic plan in order (ya find out later, non, vics), to go against this possibility (of an extended stay), even if she had to use outright lies (which she did), pit us siblings against each other (again--'check'), lie in wait (double-check on that, she really outdid herself this time, it must've been, like, plans-within-plans-within-plans-WITHIN PLANS--to the fourth degree--I'd actually congratulate her if the knife weren't so deeply embedded in my back--and once again allow me to be the one who makes myself look the fool (duh, usually #1 plan though, how she fooled me), and just sit on her haunches at the end and use PURE, RAW, UNBRIDLED STUBBORNNESS to cheat me of this opportunity, EVEN THOUGH THE ENTIRE BUNCH OF THEM NEVER EVEN HAD THE LAKEHOUSE KEY IN THEIR GRUBBY LITTLE DECEITFUL PAWS, AT ANY TIME). So--bravo, best yet, but it still doesn't change the fact that:
- libeling your oldest son
torturing him mentally
acting as if you have authority when you never even held the crayon
teaching others 'this is how you treat 'crazy' people', in an attempt to make yourselves look...what? deft? careful? oh--intelligent, tolerant, wise...I see...now
It makes you a sociopathic liar, a very dangerous type of person, particularly to your victim, and if your 'filth' has spread itself as far as the entire family, then the victim needs to recognize the threat is truly like they've somehow instantly evolved from a cave filled with venomous snakes who were his closest kin just moments ago, but are continually seething with their next plans to surround and cause your inner death, which, by the way, Christ himself spoke of as the worst kind. Don't worry about your worst enemies, folks--unless you already know them to be your family (like I just finally figured out---viva le liberacion! and yayyyy!), your worst potential enemies will always be your closest family members, sometimes the friends you've trusted--but no one knows you like your mom, and so, once it begins, hi-tail it out of that den of snakes and save yourself, find a place where you can find peace and solace, true friendship---even if you have to accept new people for who they are, and hopefully mutual respect for what you all are--and never--EVER look back.
Remember Lot's wife--whether she actually changed into a pillar of salt, or a plain allegory is there telling us all he merely 'lost her' to the locality, possibly she even turned to savagery and never returned to him. Don't look back--choose your path (I found Christ early enough and he's doing quite well by me--treating me like a King, since my cancer diagnosis), find your way, and be the kind of success--to yourself first, I must admit, we're not talking about charity, Christian service, cultish following, etc here--we're talking YOUR LIFE--and NOT looking back will allow you the peace of mind to see the vistas that God (to me) has LAID RIGHT OUT THERE for you, yet your current sitch (maybe---don't run away from home for God's sake, I'm not saying that! Find someone who can HELP you) has you blinded by your abuser(s), and all their wiles to live 'SO FREE' of guilt, because they've so neatly heaped it upon you, their scapegoat.
Just do that, and be that 'who y'are'.
Today I was liberated into freedom from an entire of family of abusers--I just didn't see how they were all doing it until this debacle.
In finality, my simple request to extend my vacation (to enjoy doing some conte crayon/multimedia art, which I need extra time to do), drove my family to:
- lie about my intentions--and, knowing them, my 'state of mind' (they always go after the smartest ones, y'know?) to our gracious host, who I'd set out NOT to offend OVER ALL!!!!
lie about me to several of their friends
deny me 'love' (common MbP tactic) and support ALL WEEK LONG, so that I sounded even more harried and confused toward the end of my vaca's undoing
That support would be that my doctor's ORDERS were that I stay off my feet, prop my legs above heart-level, and (by common sense), have someone cook, clean, do laundry, dishes, feed my cats for me (my mom---as always--stepped right up and ....RIPPED OUT ALL SUCH SUPPORT FROM ME, ALL WEEK LONG, guaranteeing my short weekend vacation would be ruined by sheer leg pain already....good girl, mom!
I let YOU come over just so YOU could get AWAY from YOUR housework, your were (of course falsely) complaining about your newly-and-mysteriously-acquired light-headedness, blah-de-blah, after all the help you gave so you could garner attention and admiration from your Sunday School class! What a truly wunnerful Christian-bein you really [think you] are!
My brother's complete and total shunning for two full days was masterfully played as well! You [think you] really fooled 'em. Problem is, I met ONE person who--after hearing you'd tried to dupe me with that 'busy all week' shinola, immediately blurted out "he's a liar...he's burned every bridge, he makes friends in order to use them to further his business, and only returns calls that are potentially high-value home sales".
So, I've actually met another 'TRUE' true friend BECAUSE of your lying, I'm an extrovert, so I value that more than you'll ever WASTE on fattening yourself beyond your 290 lbs. (and he might actually just 'pop', folks--he eats out--WELL--EVERY meal, and cannot leave a table without a sweet-meat (dessert) afterward, so he really is a ticking time bomb.
My father's turning on me at the end was expected by me, since he's the equivalent of Marybeth Tinning's no-good, coward, spineless, truly weak and useless husband, who supposedly believed her every time she came downstairs with a blue baby in her arms, crying croc tears, saying "another one's dead, Joseph", he ACTUALLY BELIEVED HER.
From 'MurderPedia.org': [url]http://murderpedia.org/female.T/t/tinning-marybeth.htm
> On July 17, 1987, Tinning was convicted of second-degree murder in Tami Lynne's death, jurors acquitting her of "deliberately" killing the child, blaming her for a lesser degree of homicide through her "depraved indifference to human life." With trials pending in two other confessed slayings, husband Joseph Tinning seemed bewildered by the whole affair.
> In newspaper interviews, he admitted occasional suspicion of his wife, but had managed to push it aside. "You have to trust your wife," he said. "She has her things to do, and as long as she gets them done, you don't ask questions."
But. Like. Murdering your children? ShEEEEEsh, I still literally shudder violently at how sick his statement made me, and still does.
From the beginning, recognizing the value of my brother's FRIEND's gift (which he HAD to have done for me although hardly knowing me--my brother had walked all over their friendship to move on to become a 'big-time' R**** agent (jeez, what an a-hole), I had STRIVEN over all NOT to avoid offending our gracious host--it IS, in fact, the ENTIRE reason I'd begun trying to contact my brother (bad move--should've just LOOKED UP K___ and called himself and phoned him in person--I mean, HE'S A REALTOR!!!)
So the finishing touches of my family's meddling, intentional foot-dragging (ignoring my calls), lying to me independently of each other (on the phone, each of them, one at a time, had agreed they'd be 'fine' with letting me stay a little longer...they were secretly each placating me, they'd already colluded to do this...gave me the 'false' peace of mind to finally break down and get some sleep last night (48 hours without, after 12 hours I was repaired, and today I feel fine)...
Then I see this email this afternoon:
On Sep 10, 2015 12:53 PM, "s***********" <s*****.d*****@h******.***> wrote:
you're the only person I know that will take a free, gifted to you, trip and not be happy with it. Now you involve other people into the mix and try to make it seem like it's me or mom that has caused the disruption? I have done my best to be a single dad, work full time, coach, do front desk stuff at my office, all while still trying to make you happy by answering one of your 5-10 daily calls. you are never happy. until you are, you are going to continue to make others around you to suffer
R**** Superior REALTORS
This was, of course, pure, opportunistic, false, shaming contrivance (showing he's now in full cahoots with the MbP coming from mom), so I justly fired back this little ditty:
From: M****** D***** <b*********@*****.***>
Date: Thu, Sep 10, 2015 at 1:24 PM
Subject: RE: I drive?
To: S**** D***** <s*****.d*****@******.***>
Real mature, ignoring your brother for four days, then throwing a bunch of monkey poop guilt on a dying cancer patient.
what an excellent brother you are... To your fellow alcoholics in the Sigma Nu rganization, that is!
Seriously, I told you you would call me an ingrate, and you did. only called K___ in order to cover my ass. Guess who taught me how to do that? You did! Because you live in a world of lies, and lie so much yourself, you have become a well oiled machine it covering your own ass, where your brother here is barely able to figure out how to get out of bed in the morning without caring ['causing'--darn speech recognition!] anymore cell tissue in his legs. So thanks for all the guilt, thanks so very very much for that, I really needed it on top of all the physical and emotional pain that cancer is ['has'] put me through, and the fact that mother has denied me any assistance all week as well.
I simply can't believe you forgot I told you you would do this in the first place. It was the one thing I was trying to avoid... and yet you, you silly little orangutan, do exactly what I told you you'd do in the first place and throw guilt on a man's back who has already suffered so much that he can barely survive at all in the first place. [wow, redundant--but...'family']
My family has done this to me for years, and you will not quit doing it. Why the hell would I want to take a vacation with you? Just to sit around and see the faces in the room that have tortured me through the years and treated me like a subpar citizen amongst them?
No thanks, and let the guilt fall squarely right back on you, friend.
How dare you mention the fact that I call you 5 or 10 times a day, when you know full well the reason people have to call you all the time is that you never answer their calls in the first place. That is all there is to that, because that is the truth and only the truth, no matter what you say.
See the way they worked it? Masterfully, I gotta admit! HE [i]USED my 'promise' to protect my good name (if he slandered me behind my back to the friend who'd offered ME the lakehouse)...he USED that, to create a condition where I was now 'involving' other people.
Raise your hands, whoever agrees that working to cover your ass--if for honest reasons--is NOT tantamount to mere meddling or whatever...'outside your circle', my brother would probably bully-lie and say. Hey, he's had the finest teacher in the city--his mother.
I'd told him that if he dared to call his friend and name me as the culprit after ignoring my calls for THREE STRAIGHT DAYS, and especially if he was planning on libeling my character yet again (he probably we 'huh'? in his wittle head), I'd be calling that friend to make sure it went no further (I trust his friend--he's actually quite a good judge of character, although he sure called it wrong on inviting my brother to join his realtor group).
Hence the chiding over CMA and all that--I'd told my brother that over the phone, so he understood loud and clear.
So, they DID take away ALL I'd meekly hoped for in my ONLY vacation in YEARS.
So, they DID actually have designs on doing it to 'teach me that lesson they're somehow always out to teach us' (right fellow vics?)
So, they DID even play out and attempt to BULLY and SHAME me out of defending what little is left of my long-murdered character (for most in my hometown, sadly, they've believed my mom's lies that I was 'crazy' because she was a long-term, VERY well-respected school teacher for DECADES).
This still taught me a lesson I was honestly still somehow blind to--that they've been working together all along, and my old psychiatrist (who'd told me to trick my mom into his office--he was going to force her to apologize to me while they still had her dead-to-rights, but I screwed up and wouldn't because I always thought he'd be around to do so if she wouldn't apologize to me.....ohhhhh, the lessons learned by MbP vics)...that ex-psychiatrist would have an absolute field day with my entire family by now...or the next one would, since all TWO YEARS of his notes are all in my psych history, and doubtless include all sorts of things I'd just let another psychiatrist do himself (oh, I'd be there with bells on for my apology by then)...so, maybe my case will mature like old wine, become more valuable to me, even other psych pro's, as the classic case of the MbP sufferer--the victim, the vic--who made the terrible mistake of shouldering the simple responsibility of tricking his mom just once, yet because he (she) wouldn't, went on to endure such tortures as even the Marquis de Sade would applaud and reward heartily.
Thanks, guys, for reading my post, and God help us all--seriously. I hope a ton of people get some hope from my own recent poo-doo, and it inspires them to enjoy that FINEST REVENGE--LIVING WELL!
Live well, kick ass (euphemistically), and just have tons of fun, hopefully at the expense of your abusers. Stay at arms' length--like the snake handler who doesn't want to get bitten--but still--have that fun, make lots of friends (they're out there, believe me, I may be one someday, and I'd be honored, but let's keep it on this site, I'm happily 'girlfriended!').
BTW, raising gardens kicks butt--nothing like overcoming pests and bad weather to end up having such a hopeful-looking bunch of tomatoes as I've got right now--now, THERE's a lesson in life we can all appreciate!!!!