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Hello

Postby AlchemicalRomance » Mon Sep 22, 2014 2:59 am

Hi,

I came across this forum after trying to find some information and support for MnBP survivors. I am a survivor of MnBP. I see a therapist every 2 weeks to cope with a lot of stuff, she says I suffer from PTSD resulting from years of emotional, mental and medical abuse. I have frequent flash backs of terrible memories, and a lot of other very stressful things.

To put things as short as I can, my mother pushed me and others into believing that I was a paranoid schizophrenic like her sister and like her sister she aimed at having me committed to a full time, residential mental heath hospital when I turned 18. When I refused to sign myself into it and moved in with my grandparents, the more distance and improvement I made was met with incredible hostility from her and immediate family she manipulates. My therapist was a school therapist at a special school I attended as a teen and she said that many staff at the school didn't believe I was schizophrenic and didn't agree with the diagnoses I had received. They felt more was going on at home but due to my mother showing such "support" financially to the school and being present at certain school functions they weren't able to really get far. My mom loved to use money as a means to show how much she cared about me and was very flashy with it when I was in and out of acute mental facilities. Several times she showed up with boxes of pizza for the other kids on group family therapy sessions. Her attempts at always getting on doctors and others good sides made any attempt of me talking about what went on at home difficult.

From a very young age my mother claimed that there was something "wrong" with me, that I gave her nightmares, that I had no emotions, that I cried all the time and reminded her of her sister. Eventually my behavior became what she expected and I for sometime started to accept that there was something wrong with me and not the other way around this got easier when I was put on my first rounds of anti-depressants at age 13. My mother frequently reminded my then psychiatrists that there was a family history of mental illness, specifically my aunts paranoid schizophrenia was cited as a reason for my diagnosis of chronic paranoid schizophrenia. Recovering from a MnBP induced psychosis took a lot of effort and I still struggle with second guessing everything I'm exposed to. That doubt is always there in the back of my mind. It wasn't until I put more distance between myself and my family that I begin to really recover from what was going on and acknowledging how bad it really was and how it wasn't normal made it hard to cope with. It felt like I grew up in a cult and when I walked away I learned what healthy relationships actually are and it made me angry to know I felt that it was normal and that I wasn't the problem. Since becoming a mother myself I no longer have the option of giving up or giving in and am desperately trying to move on with my life. I've started a small business, working on a career and trying to work on my exit strategy.

Some of the issues I've been struggling with in therapy is building sense of self-worth and true identity, placing further distance between me and my mother or family she manipulates to getting to me, taking care of myself (I have an intense fear and distrust for doctors and conventional medicine as a result of being heavily medicated and being misdiagnosed, chronic stress has caused a host of real medical problems for me that require medication and hormone therapy to treat) getting over a fear of guilt leaving my siblings behind, and generally dealing with bouts of depression, anxiety, insomnia, traumatic flash backs.

I would really welcome some advice on coping and trying to move past the abuse. I'm nearly 28yrs old now and still struggle with what happened to me. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I'm not sure how active I will be on here but I feel that when I read some of your posts I didn't feel so alone and that maybe sharing some of my story it can offer some comfort to someone else to speak up. Thanks again.
AlchemicalRomance
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Re: Hello

Postby Terry E. » Sat Sep 27, 2014 8:50 am

Welcome and congratulations, you appear well on your way to dealing with your life and moving on. The congratulations are because you are a survivor. Very few people will ever understand what you have been through, and that is not a bad thing. Imagine a world full of our mothers.. not a pretty sight.

A lot of us have Child Abuse Survivor PTSD. It is a specific disorder to us, and lack of trust is a very real component, disassociation and lots of others that you may be aware of.

MBP forum is the quietest here. Reading your post echoed parts of my own life. The slow sandbagging of you, when you were young is similar. When you tell a child that they will never love you, and that doctors have told them you will be a problem when they are less than 6, they are too young to realise their own mother is mad.

Many of your family have bought into this rather than face the reality of having to deal with someone who is unwell. Easier to just play along. Same in my family who accepted unbelievable excuses and explanations as taking action would interrupt their own lives.

This that is normal human behaviour, not right, but normal.

This forum is so very quiet, however on the child abuse forum we usually have more chatter. Some of it is sexual abuse some emotional some physical some a mixture. I drop in there every few days.

I am so glad you are finding some happiness. We all deserve a chance at that. You will find a variety of my posts here. The physical abuse was very bad, but the damage she did to my brother and me, changed our lives, and I still deal physically with many issues, some only becoming apparent recently.

Drop back here (be careful about Trolls they like to jerk us around, but they tend to stand out, as it is usually too well written almost scripted)

I am glad you have found us, I am a little older but as my posts will relate it took an extraordinary incident for me to see reality.

Take care
Terry E.
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Re: Hello

Postby AlchemicalRomance » Sat Sep 27, 2014 4:22 pm

Thanks Terry! I appreciate the warm welcome and thank you for sharing a little bit about what happened to you. It feels so odd talking about all of this. I grew afraid to tell people in daily life what happened because frankly I can understand how people may not believe that some mothers are capable of being that way. Perhaps the comfort of the internet makes it a little easier because you aren't afraid so much if people believe you or not.

I'll check out those forums and say hello.
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Re: Hello

Postby Terry E. » Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:08 pm

Child abuse is probably the least acted upon crime. I remember reading a stat that they believe around 80 children are murdered in Calif and around 50-60 in Britain each year, but only a handful ever face trial. So hard to prove. The average person cannot comprehend how a real mother or father can behave so dramatically different to themselves.

My wife's mother passed away recently. A nice woman but incredibly ordinary. Except for her children she made absolutely not a mark on the world, good or bad. At the funeral there was lots of tears. I clearly remember thinking, what are they all going on about, .. it's not like you have lost a pet, it is only your mother. I just could not get it. I have to be aware of this. I am out of sync.

Personal question, but do you have nightmares ?? Very common.

The comment you made about your own child is similar. When my youngest did something very naughty when he was around 2 1/2 I smacked him, not hard, because it made him cry, I was running late, he had damaged property, he had smeared my wife's make up over our new carpet, I had to change clothes after cleaning up, was late for work in a difficult job with a very unpleasant boss, but in that instant it became clear that smacking him was not the answer. I remember the feeling of shock at how that felt, and wondering about my own childhood filled with constant abuse, which we were always made to feel was out fault. I still did not get it. Think many abused children never do. Which is why it can start a cycle.

Again I am so glad you have come here, I have met some great people. A lot of us come here at a specific time in their lives, but as it is a painful issue don't drop in often. Drop in as much or as little as you like.

As a side note you will read some terrible stories here, and mine is one of them, but I can tell you I am not sure I could do what you have managed to have done. You have my respect and admiration.
Take care.
Terry E.
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Re: Hello

Postby Terry E. » Sat Sep 27, 2014 10:39 pm

Sorry another question, are you married/do you have a partner right now ??

It is an issue for many of us, ...many of us have been very lucky, but we are not the easiest people to understand.
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