layla34 wrote:in a lot of ways I hid it from myself until very recently when I had just had it because she has been in recent years trying to convince my father and sisters that I have paranoia (long story she likes to gaslight people).
Unfortunately this is a very, very common thing to happen between the abuser and victim of this disorder!!! When the physical abuse tapers off, that's when the psychological abuse begins to get worse. It's so devilish it's beyond belief. They do this so you have no shred of credibility within your own family, the people you're supposed to feel loved and protected by. It robs you of the chance to feel and be accepted among them. Narcissists often believe that if they tell a lie to someone, then that person must believe it's true. Gaslighting is also a tactic narcissists use, and I believe it isn't a coincidence that munchers and narcs do the same thing - I think that the perpetrators of MSBP have heavy narc traits. My own mother lacks empathy but loves attention.
layla34 wrote:Anyway, I had just had enough with the lying from her and decided to admit to myself her true nature. She is not the saintly, charitable, baby-loving martryr she has pretended to be all these years.
It really hurts to get to that point and then realize your whole relationship with her was an illusion. But now you can start working on what you need to do to heal from the fantasy bond you've been living under all these years. You can free yourself.
layla34 wrote:My father was in a panic when he came home from work after he found out about my fingers and took me into an unfinished room and told me"he needed to talk to me and didn't want anyone to hear him" and "you need to tell me exactly what happened when your Mom shut your fingers in the door" (b/c she had told him it was an accident). He asked me questions and after I answered them he started crying and said he was terrified to go to work, because of the injury with the baby falling down the stairs and my fingers being shut in door. I felt so sorry for him, because I had known for years she injures her kids for fun (mostly me at the time), but it seemed he was just then figuring it out, and I felt so bad for him being terrified, and also was scared we would have no food if he stopped going to work, so I said the lie "She didn't do it on purpose." And I have been imprisoned inside of that lie ever since.
That is such a huge burden for a child to carry - the weight of your family's well-being was placed on your ability to tell a good enough lie. You had to sacrifice your self, your ability to stay safe, and your childhood innocence in order to make sure you and your siblings could eat. You did the best you could at the time, with your limited knowledge of the world. That lie doesn't need to imprison you anymore, and here you are talking about it and starting to process everything. You're going to get through this.
layla34 wrote:it is a facade they hide behind, and as a child this can be extremely confusing--everybody else thinks this person is a living saint, you ask yourself "is this what a good person is? Someone who does bad things but tells everyone they are good?" They seem to be utterly convinced of their goodness.
They don't grow out of it, either. I've yet to hear of an abuser of this kind having a sudden change of heart, admitting the wrong they did, and trying to make amends. They go to the grave defending their "honor". I've made the mistake several times of trying to mend the relationship between my mother and I, only to get burned again. They can't admit the truth because their entire world is a lie.
layla34 wrote:I am realizing my mother was sadistic. That is an extremely ugly truth I did not want to face. But having faced it is helpful, because she continues her emotional sadism with me and I have only in the past month decided that for my sanity I need to have no contact with her.
Don't be surprised if she starts to use other family members to get to you. Going no-contact with her is going to make her very angry and she'll try to destroy whatever shreds of dignity you have left to anyone who will listen to her stories. I've learned this the hard way.
Terry E. wrote:don't feel guilty, and maybe explain to your dad one day as you explained it here..
Touching on this briefly... my father apologized to me a few years ago about all of this. There were several people in my family who knew or had suspicions of what was going on but were afraid to say anything. The apology didn't heal all the trauma, but it did provide an opportunity to mend the relationship with my dad. Up until then, I didn't trust him either.
I hope everything is going well for the both of you.
Blame it on me, but know that I won't regret one iota.