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Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Postby peanut2828 » Tue Oct 07, 2008 2:01 am

Is it normal for a Narcissist to move on so quickly after asking for a separation? My hubbie asked for a separation last Monday and within hours was perusing the internet and changed his facebook status to Single and interested in women. He has been flirting with girls online since last week and acts as if he never was married. He is acting like he is the happiest he has been in ages and that I was this burden holding him back from that happiness when I actually supported him in his endeavors to follow his dreams. The only thing I did was not sell our house, move our kids, give up my good job until we were sure that his dream job would actually pan out which he said he resented me for. Within 3 weeks, he stopped calling me and would only text message. That is actually how he asked for a separation last week.

My therapist has thought all along he possessed narcissistic qualities and most likely NPD(lots of other underlying issues that would take up a whole page on this forum)but dealing with him now after he asked for a separation is putting him into a completely different light. He has such blatant disregard for me that it is hard for me not to internalize it. He told me that I haven't changed and I don't live outside of my comfort zone and that it is too frustrating for him now that he has this new life.

What have other folks experienced with NPD partners who ask for a separation/divorce? I am just trying to get some guidance.
:(
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Re: Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Postby Nanday » Tue Oct 07, 2008 3:59 am

peanut2828 wrote:Is it normal for a Narcissist to move on so quickly after asking for a separation?


Absolutely. In fact, it is predictable. Your hub was already lining up his new supply before he asked for the separation from the sounds of it.

He is acting like he is the happiest he has been in ages and that I was this burden holding him back from that happiness when I actually supported him in his endeavors to follow his dreams.


Mine actually told me that after 30 years of marriage, when I had moved countries for his career change, left behind family and friends (and my own career) that he could have accomplished truly great things in life without me holding him back.

Sounds to me like you've been almost the perfect supply for him until now, except that something has triggered him to abandon you for new supply. This is either new supply in his sights, or you have been unknowingly withdrawing or withholding the supply he has been used to getting. This usually triggers the devaluation that you are so clearly defining in your post.

Act fast, get a good lawyer, don't bother internalising it or asking where you went wrong. Get out, get yourself set financially and don't even give him a thought. He won't be thinking about you.
It is not love that should be depicted as blind, but self-love.
- Voltaire
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Re: Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Postby shivers » Tue Oct 07, 2008 5:50 am

peanut2828 wrote:Is it normal for a Narcissist to move on so quickly after asking for a separation?


Totally!

peanut2828 wrote:The only thing I did was not sell our house, move our kids, give up my good job


Good thinking! I hope you didn't actually go and do it! I get the impression from your writing that you didn't and his dream job didn't pan out either. So good thinking on your part.

peanut2828 wrote:he said he resented me for.


Of course, if his dream job doesn't pan out he'll never think it may have been because of him....it'll be your fault coz you didn't support him.

Within a week of leaving my diagnosed NPD partner he stated, "You are nothing to me. You are meaningless and mean nothing."

It's all a part of the 'black and white' thinking. You're either 'all good' or 'all bad'. In other words, since you didn't follow him to his dream job then anything good you've done in the past is totally eradicated by this one act, you are now devalued and classed as 'all bad'.

It also is a good indication that he's ready to move on to new NS already, which means he may not become a stalker....unless new NS is not forthcoming, then he may wheedle his way back, so watch out for that, don't fall for it.

Good luck with your new-found freedom, your new life free of fear and abuse, and settle the financials as quickly as needed or just change the locks!!!! There is the possibilty that he may totally abandon you, the kids and the house in a tidy package. (I'm just going off your post that says he's referring to his new life, if he's younger he may be apt to do this, but if he's older (say over 45) he may not wish to let go of any finances that quickly.)

But.....he also may not, and may mess with your head, the kids and the finances.....so be prepared for that, they can get quite nasty.

Take care and all the best.
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Re: Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Postby FallowField » Tue Oct 13, 2009 7:39 pm

Hi Peanut and everyone, I'm new here. I just wanted to add that my narcissist husband moved on very quickly to his next supply as well. He was having his second affair (I never knew about the first time)with the same old ex-girlfriend in 2007. About three weeks into his affair, he told me that we needed to talk, which I was relieved because he was finally speaking to me after a agonizing two week long silent treatment stint. We sat down and he stated that he was not happy.... and did I remember his ex-girlfriend (blank)? Shocked that he mentioned her name, I said yes, then he proceeded to tell me that she and he had been talking online and by phone and she has feelings for him, etc. I was Godsmacked by this needless to say. I never thought of him as a cheater, little did I know. Anyway, he then asked me if we were to get a seperation now. The whole "conversation" probabaly lasted 10 minutes. I was so numb by everything, I just said I guess we do then. My mind was spinning thinking about what am I going to tell our three children, how could he just throw away 13 years of marriage, and why would he want to be with someone he had only ever spoke horribly about ? He of course was happy as a lark. He bounced upstairs after informing me of his intentions, and spent the next four hours on the computer and phone with her, laughing and making plans. I just sat there devastated, wondering what am I going to do. I couldn't understand how he could just dismiss me so cooly, but since I have been learning about NPD, I understand now.
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Re: Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Postby stronghaus1 » Sun Apr 04, 2010 9:48 pm

I know you posted your comment a while ago but i am wondering how it turned out? I am going through the exact same thing (well sort of) I have been trying to divorce my husband for awhile but he always charms be back to him but he too is a NPD (not prefessionally diagnosed, although we both go to marital counseling and my therapist thinks he is) but now I have done more research and feel strong in my decision that there is no more hope for us. Anyway how did it go? Do you have children? If so what was the effect on them, I am so desperate to know how it is after a successful divorce...
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Re: Separation/Divorce with a possible NPD husband

Postby murrayskeeter » Fri May 14, 2010 1:15 pm

I think you need to get *Edited by admin* for that. You need to look for different loopholes before presenting your case. One way to do that is to get a good lawyer with previous experiences with these kinds of cases.
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