I've hit a wall

Ok, so here's my story. It's kind of long, so bear with me.

I'm a 42 year old male who has been divorced twice, well the second one will be final shortly.
The first divorce ended when my ex-wife had an affair. As far as I know, they are still together. Don't know, don't care. At the time, it devastated me and the feelings of pain, embarrassment and abandonment were almost unbearable. But, given time I was able to meet the pain head on, fight my way thru it and came out of the other side a different person who had more confidence and felt like I could take on the world.

I met my second wife, we dated for just over four years and got married in 2011. Then, in 2012, my job kept me on the road for some considerable periods of time, I met a woman and I had an affair. It lasted about 10 days. When I came home shortly after the affair ended, my wife knew. And I felt like crap. We went through the usual post affair stuff. Anger, depression, sadness...anger again. We tried to work through it, but we didn't. The decision to divorce was amicable.

After a period of time, we got in contact with each other and are actually friends now. Yea, I know what is said on these forums and sites but before anyone starts commenting on that aspect, keep in mind everyone is different and not everything is absolute.
She does not want to be romantically involved with me, and I don't want to be involved with her in that way. It's over between us and have gotten over that part of it.

Now, here comes my dilemma. She recently started dating again (that's not the dilemma), to which I say good for her. I hope she can find someone who compliments her life and she has many years of happiness.

This led to a discussion about me dating. I told her I probably won't and she asked why.
I said, "Look...I'm twice divorced which will raise a red flag...and the second divorce was caused by me having an affair. Who would want to date a guy like that?".

I've been depressed ever since I have had the affair. This is going on almost 2 years. At one point, shortly after the affair, I had thoughts of suicide. I no longer have those thoughts, but am still depressed. I do have a therapist whom I see or talk to twice a month.

I know first hand the devastation an affair cause on their partner. I know how traumatic it is and what it does. Yet, I did that to her. I can't get past that fact. Both my therapist and even my ex-wife have told me I need to forgive myself for what I have done, but I can't.
She said I am a good person who made a bad decision.

I have isolated myself to the point I have very few friends, whom are mostly "buddies" that I will hang out with on occasion. But otherwise, I work and go home. My social interaction is very limited. My confidence is gone and some days it's all I can do to go to the grocery store to get food because I feel like people know what I did.

Every day since I committed adultery, I think about what I did and what it did to her and I hate myself because of it. I am alone and lonely, but don't know how to break out of this.
I don't want to be alone. I get scared thinking about it. I want someone to hug me and hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. But I know it's not and there is no one there. I feel the pain I have is deserved.


I'm at a loss.

Thanks for reading. I just wanted to write. I'm not sure what I am looking for.

Hi 1356301,

It seems like the two relationships ended for different reasons. I do have a difficult question, and no need to answer if it is uncomfortable, and I could be completely off here too:

In reading what happened, it did make me wonder if what happened the second time around occurred in part (maybe great part?) because of how you were hurt by your first wife? You wrote that you got over it, and ended up stronger for it, but I wonder if you are now feeling such an extreme degree of remorse, and expressing that remorse to your second wife, because your first wife didn't show you that she understood how it hurt you?

1356301 wrote:I have isolated myself to the point I have very few friends, whom are mostly "buddies" that I will hang out with on occasion. But otherwise, I work and go home. My social interaction is very limited. My confidence is gone and some days it's all I can do to go to the grocery store to get food .... I am alone and lonely, but don't know how to break out of this.
I don't want to be alone. I get scared thinking about it. I want someone to hug me and hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. But I know it's not and there is no one there.

I know this doesn't offer much consolation, but I'm in a similar boat. After college I took a job in another state and have been with the same company the whole time. I miss my parents and we communicate about once a week, but I don't see them more than a couple times a year. I have one divorce under my belt. My ex selfishly took my kids and moved an hour away, which ended up screwing me over on parenting time. I'm dating a woman who seems like 95% perfect, however she lives about an hour away in a different direction. I'm so afraid of the effects that time seems to have on everything I've ever loved in my life. I've seen it happen too many times now. I don't want to watch time slowly deteriorate this relationship to the point where divorce #2 is just around the corner. And the first divorce absolutely crushed me.... It's been nearly 2 years since my ex-wife left me and filed, and I still find myself working through the pain from every angle (sadness/anger/confusion/helplessness/frustration). She suddenly took my kids away, completely vilified me with everyone she knew, and then smeared me in court. My girlfriend knows the whole story, and yet she still pushes me on the topic of marriage. I feel like I have no choice but to pull back. I can't afford to buy a ring anyway. She has kids in school where she lives and can't move here. She wants me to move there but I can't. She wants it as soon as possible. I don't. I feel like the longer I can delay getting married, I can push divorce #2 further into the future. I only have one friend in town outside of work. I met him at the divorce therapy course I got tired of attending. We have a beer a few times a month and bitch about the $hit sandwich life wants us to gnaw on. The overly simple solution he offers all the time is: "just don't ever propose again, ever... Enjoy your singleness." But I know I can't live alone forever. I hate coming home to an empty house where my ex-wife and children used to live, sitting down, turning on the TV not for something to watch but more for background noise to eliminate the cold silence, and pondering my existence. I go to work everyday, I go home, sometimes I go to the gym, and then I go home again. Rinse and repeat. I don't really enjoy my life unless my children are with me. When my girlfriend calls, I feel this overwhelming urge to end the call with her so I don't bring her down with all my pathetic whoa-is-me BS. I'm scared of losing her. But at the same time I know I can't afford to move closer. My job is really the only reason I'm here, because it's a very good job and will be very difficult to replace. It's providing for my broken family and I can't afford to lose it. I feel stuck and completely isolated. It sucks.

xdude wrote:Hi 1356301,

It seems like the two relationships ended for different reasons. I do have a difficult question, and no need to answer if it is uncomfortable, and I could be completely off here too:

In reading what happened, it did make me wonder if what happened the second time around occurred in part (maybe great part?) because of how you were hurt by your first wife? You wrote that you got over it, and ended up stronger for it, but I wonder if you are now feeling such an extreme degree of remorse, and expressing that remorse to your second wife, because your first wife didn't show you that she understood how it hurt you?

That is a good question, and the answer to it is I don't know.

I didn't have any conscious thoughts of, "Ha ha! I'll get back at women by hurting my wife!". But the subconscious can maneuver people to make strange decisions. I have spoken about this at length with my therapist and I can't draw any conclusion. On the surface, at least, I do not think that is why I had the affair.

I loved my second wife very dearly. She is incredible. Very compassionate, empathetic, very forgiving.
The months of me on the road took its toll, where we were both lonely and feeling somewhat abandoned. All of the sudden this woman was there and paying attention to me and it felt good.
That's not to say my ex ignored me, it is just hard when you are 1000 miles apart for a month or two at a time.

I'm also not trying to excuse what I did. I accept full responsibility for my actions and the decision I made.

1356301 wrote:This led to a discussion about me dating. I told her I probably won't and she asked why.
I said, "Look...I'm twice divorced which will raise a red flag...and the second divorce was caused by me having an affair. Who would want to date a guy like that?".

I think you might be a little selfish on a couple of matters.

#1. By punishing yourself when your ex wants you to happy and not moving on you are adding to her guilt. Not fair. You don't need to move on for your sake but you sure as hell should for her so she does not have to question herself or feel like she abandoned you.

#2. Sounds like you are trying to make decisions for what other people would be ok with. But you won't give anyone a chance. You should like a thoughtful mature person who is unfortunately human with human failings.

All people make mistakes but as they say in finance disclaimers. Post performance does not predict future performance.

Best of luck

Hope that you are doing okay....my first bit of advice is to replace any negative thoughts with positive ones...

I got to thinking about it (and you) and really I feel that your attitude is good, although it is time now to move on. Feeling guilt can be good sometimes. First, it signals that we are aware of acceptable standards. It shows that we have a working conscience. In fact, a book published by the American Psychiatric Association treats the absence of guilt feelings as societally threatening behavior. Those with defiled or deadened consciences have trouble seeing the difference between right and wrong, and that can be dangerous.
Second, a guilty conscience can help us avoid undesirable actions. Just as physical pain alerts us to a potential health problem, the emotional pain associated with guilt alerts us to a problem that needs our attention. Once we are aware of the weakness, we are more inclined to avoid hurting ourselves, our loved ones, or others again in the future. But all that being said, it is your past now (so should be put behind you)...take care.....and I am sure you will have a happier future...