Ok, so here's my story. It's kind of long, so bear with me.
I'm a 42 year old male who has been divorced twice, well the second one will be final shortly.
The first divorce ended when my ex-wife had an affair. As far as I know, they are still together. Don't know, don't care. At the time, it devastated me and the feelings of pain, embarrassment and abandonment were almost unbearable. But, given time I was able to meet the pain head on, fight my way thru it and came out of the other side a different person who had more confidence and felt like I could take on the world.
I met my second wife, we dated for just over four years and got married in 2011. Then, in 2012, my job kept me on the road for some considerable periods of time, I met a woman and I had an affair. It lasted about 10 days. When I came home shortly after the affair ended, my wife knew. And I felt like crap. We went through the usual post affair stuff. Anger, depression, sadness...anger again. We tried to work through it, but we didn't. The decision to divorce was amicable.
After a period of time, we got in contact with each other and are actually friends now. Yea, I know what is said on these forums and sites but before anyone starts commenting on that aspect, keep in mind everyone is different and not everything is absolute.
She does not want to be romantically involved with me, and I don't want to be involved with her in that way. It's over between us and have gotten over that part of it.
Now, here comes my dilemma. She recently started dating again (that's not the dilemma), to which I say good for her. I hope she can find someone who compliments her life and she has many years of happiness.
This led to a discussion about me dating. I told her I probably won't and she asked why.
I said, "Look...I'm twice divorced which will raise a red flag...and the second divorce was caused by me having an affair. Who would want to date a guy like that?".
I've been depressed ever since I have had the affair. This is going on almost 2 years. At one point, shortly after the affair, I had thoughts of suicide. I no longer have those thoughts, but am still depressed. I do have a therapist whom I see or talk to twice a month.
I know first hand the devastation an affair cause on their partner. I know how traumatic it is and what it does. Yet, I did that to her. I can't get past that fact. Both my therapist and even my ex-wife have told me I need to forgive myself for what I have done, but I can't.
She said I am a good person who made a bad decision.
I have isolated myself to the point I have very few friends, whom are mostly "buddies" that I will hang out with on occasion. But otherwise, I work and go home. My social interaction is very limited. My confidence is gone and some days it's all I can do to go to the grocery store to get food because I feel like people know what I did.
Every day since I committed adultery, I think about what I did and what it did to her and I hate myself because of it. I am alone and lonely, but don't know how to break out of this.
I don't want to be alone. I get scared thinking about it. I want someone to hug me and hold me and tell me it's going to be ok. But I know it's not and there is no one there. I feel the pain I have is deserved.
I'm at a loss.
Thanks for reading. I just wanted to write. I'm not sure what I am looking for.