I must apologies in advance, this may be long due to the fact, it's hard to get what I am feeling or lack of, across that makes some kind of sense.
Brief point forum history:
1) 35 year old male. Born 2 months early low birth wait.
2) Father left a age 1. Brief visits ( about 50 times to age 22, no contact since)
3) dis functional daily unit due to alcoholic step father and alway fighting mother and stepfather.
4) was sexually abused by school principle for 3 years starting in grade 2 till grade 4 (failed one grade)
5) one time sexual abuse by three neighbourhood girls
6) Almost successful suicide resulting the acute renal failure a d coma.
7) Mentally abusive partner in marriage. ( divorced)
second suicide attempt. Put on and array of meds.
9) Broke the law, was in a prison treatment centre for 8 months.
My question is this.
Ever since I can remember, I've always had this odd feeling about myself. No matter who tells me and how many times I'm told. The words loved and love are just words and nothing more. On top of that I'm also void of empathy to words others. But I have learned how to look and act empathic towards others. But the feeling is not there. I have no feelings of missing some one who is close to me. If they are in my sight line or close to me, I think about them and wonder about them. But once out of sight ect I never think about the at all.
The feeling of being a person who has a camouflage skin who is able to adapt to anybody's wants
I'm sure there is more. After working with counsellors and doctors. Al the seem to keep saying is that I have the following.
1.Borderline Personality Disorder (sever)
3. Dissociative disorder
Now I agree on some of theses, but I feel as though they are full understand what I'm trying to explain. I would like nothing more to have access to theses feeling. Due to the fact, I'm convinced that's it's less tiring to deal with the real true emotion then it is pretending that you have theses emotions.
Thank You in advance for any suggestion.