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How to explain, what you don't know or know how to explain i

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How to explain, what you don't know or know how to explain i

Postby flemingetq » Tue Oct 16, 2012 4:19 am

Hello all.
I must apologies in advance, this may be long due to the fact, it's hard to get what I am feeling or lack of, across that makes some kind of sense.

Brief point forum history:
1) 35 year old male. Born 2 months early low birth wait.
2) Father left a age 1. Brief visits ( about 50 times to age 22, no contact since)
3) dis functional daily unit due to alcoholic step father and alway fighting mother and stepfather.
4) was sexually abused by school principle for 3 years starting in grade 2 till grade 4 (failed one grade)
5) one time sexual abuse by three neighbourhood girls
6) Almost successful suicide resulting the acute renal failure a d coma.
7) Mentally abusive partner in marriage. ( divorced)
8) second suicide attempt. Put on and array of meds.
9) Broke the law, was in a prison treatment centre for 8 months.

My question is this.
Ever since I can remember, I've always had this odd feeling about myself. No matter who tells me and how many times I'm told. The words loved and love are just words and nothing more. On top of that I'm also void of empathy to words others. But I have learned how to look and act empathic towards others. But the feeling is not there. I have no feelings of missing some one who is close to me. If they are in my sight line or close to me, I think about them and wonder about them. But once out of sight ect I never think about the at all.
The feeling of being a person who has a camouflage skin who is able to adapt to anybody's wants

I'm sure there is more. After working with counsellors and doctors. Al the seem to keep saying is that I have the following.
1.Borderline Personality Disorder (sever)
1) PTSD
3. Dissociative disorder

Now I agree on some of theses, but I feel as though they are full understand what I'm trying to explain. I would like nothing more to have access to theses feeling. Due to the fact, I'm convinced that's it's less tiring to deal with the real true emotion then it is pretending that you have theses emotions.

Thank You in advance for any suggestion.
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby Feel76 » Tue Oct 16, 2012 9:04 am

I think I agree with your psychiatrists' evaluation of your condition,especially about Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD. I'm not a professional mental health practitioner but based on what you've written here I'd say the roots of your sufferings are coming from the traumatic experience you suffered during early developmental years at childhood.

According to most mental health experts, most core beliefs about ourselves are formed during the early years of development.So if a child were to grow in a home environment were he's assured that he's loved,treated with care,encouraged to be confident and instilled with confidence,isnt abused (emotionally and physically) then such a child is most likely to grow up with a well balanced sense of self and good self-esteem.

However if the same child were to grow up in an abusive environment were he's not shown a lot of empathy and is even abused such as u experienced then the same would most likely develop and experience the same problems you are experiencing.

So I believe it would be of immense benefit to you if you were to see a pschologist to deal with the trauma you've suffered in your life.That's the only way to get over what you've been through. I dont know in which area of the world you live but if you can find a good psychologist I'm confident he/she could help you. Meanwhile there's maybe you should also do some reading on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) to correct some of the negative thinking and view you have about yourself.Finally, you probably also have to go on medication but this is something you need to talk to your psychiatrist about.

Personally, I was diagnosed with Bipolar mood disorder and it has been a frustrating journey but once I decided to read up on my condition I realised that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Knowing that there are other people with the same condition has also helped me a great deal since their coping tips have been beneficial to me as well.

Why not visit forums on this site were people have Bordeline Personality Disorder,PTSD
and Dissociative disorder?You be very surprised how much you have in common with them.Sharing your experience with someone who's walked in the same shoes you've walked in can be very useful.

Good luck buddy and I hope you find recovery soon.
[i[size=150]][size=200]This too,shall passs[/size][/i][/size]
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby Casper » Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:34 pm

From what you've said, I tend to disagree with the Borderline diagnosis. Borderlines are a pretty emotional bunch; we don't fake it very well. One of the things that made me take note was when you said "I have no feelings of missing some one who is close to me." That's definitely not a BPD trait. We're constantly fearing that people will abandon us, and missing (and/or hating) the ones who do.

I like Feel's suggestion; take a poke around in the sections here, read some of the threads, ask questions of your own, and see if one (or more) of them ring especially true to you.
Sorry that I ruin everything.
I don't do it on purpose.
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby boxoffrogs » Tue Oct 16, 2012 7:02 pm

I'm sorry to hear your story. That is very sad. I am not able to offer you any advice as am not medically qualified, but I wonder if you can remember what empathy feels like even if you don't feel it now? You say you wonder about other people that you can see. That sounds a bit like empathy? So if you saw them suffering would you want to help?
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby flemingetq » Tue Oct 16, 2012 7:03 pm

Thank you both for your response. But if this is not bpd trait then what could it be. This is what I've been treated for. Many different meds and talk therapy but this same feeling never changes.
Thanks again.
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby flemingetq » Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:13 pm

Thank you Boxoffrogs

It funny that you asked that question. To put it simple, if I see people suffering weather they be family, close friends or what ever. And they were suffering I do and would help. The catch is I would do it only for the reason that, that's what a normal person would do. I don't feel conserned for them ect, nor am I happy or sad for helping them. I have worn a mask my whole life to help protect and to hide myself from all thy has gone on. I believe that the real me has been lost. Al that remain is the mask and the ability to adapt to others wants and needs. It is extremely frustrating to see others who are happy or sad, in love, or feel loved. I do, do most of the things to help people out when they need it, but only in the hopes to gain the approval of them.
I'm sure that most of this sounds like gibberish, but it is difficult to explain something that you don't understand yourself and being a perfectionist this to is also frustrating.

Thank you all for listening
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby flemingetq » Tue Oct 16, 2012 10:43 pm

Sorry forgot to mention that when I had the renal failure. I was in a coma for three months. When I think back. Being in a coma was the best part of my life. Having complete nothingness was a good time for once. I look back at that and think it would be nice to have that again, but that's not practical.
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby boxoffrogs » Wed Oct 17, 2012 10:38 pm

:( thanks for sharing and I hope you are able one day to experience the feelings that you want to experience. Can you relate to animals? Dogs have a way of reaching people....I'm thinking of an autistic child who only discovered how to relate to his parents after getting a dog.
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Re: How to explain, what you don't know or know how to expla

Postby flemingetq » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:29 am

I would not say that I relate to animals. But on the same note I do have 5 dogs, 5 cats, two horses lol and ducks. I enjoy there company because I know they have no hidden agendas if that makes sense.
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