Okay... here goes. I am really just looking for an honest opinion. I just want to tell someone my story, and ask for an honest opinion on where I am going wrong. I know people can't tell me what to do, but I just need someone to tell me straight.... Am I thinking about my situation in a wrong/unhelpful way? How can I get out of this rut? Any comments would be appreciated, even negative ones really.
I was born to my parents in the early 80's. Quite soon after this, they went through some turmoil - my dads successful business folded after a business partner played foul, and my mum started to express a wish to convert religion to become a jehovahs witness. My father was an alcoholic, gambler and was violent to my mum (which I witnessed). There were a lot of debtors seeking payment and trying to make claim on the marital house. Anyway, it all ended in my mum seeking a legal separation as my father was beating her and making her generally scared (secondary to her wanting to convert religion which he was wholly against). My father took myself and my brother to another country without telling my mum, and she had to go through the high court to get us back (it took about 6 weeks). Eventually, he left the country as the debtors were pursuing him unrelentlessly. The debts were secured on our house as he had vanished, and my mother always reminded us that we could be out on the road/homeless at any time - I felt really insecure. By this point my mum had left her previous religion and community/friends, and was fully and single mindedly involved in her new religion as a jehovahs witness. I was about 3-4 years old. She didn't work, and received benefits and some help from my uncle (her brother). I was aware of feeling very poor and also that we were being helped out of pity. I went to school, was bullied, and was overweight from the age as young as 4. My mother made us lie to our father that we were not involved with the jehovahs witnesses, as a condition of her having custody of us was that she did not bring us up in that faith/introduce it to us until the age of 18. She would take us to all the meetings and actively encourage our involvement, but tell us to lie about it. All of her family thought she was silly for converting, and I personally felt very judged and down and out.
At the age of about 8 we started going to visit our father who was now living abroad, in the summer for about 5 weeks each year - it was mixed, he was nice but also still an alcoholic/overtly emotional and had a really bad/violent temper. I started having some medical problems - a skin condition over my body, and was diagnosed with diabetes at age 12. Anyway, I muddled through. My brother moved to another country when I was aged 15. At age 17, my dad died under circumstances we still don't know about, in a country we didn't even realise he had gone to. His family ignored us and wouldn't tell us the exact details of what happened or how he had got to that country (by this point he had alcohol related dementia, and his family didn't want to look after him). My mum always thought something sinister happened, but a death certificate we eventually got said he had a heart attack. We still don't know what to think.
I have never got on with my mum - I just feel no warmth or love from her. She never cooked and cleaned the home, she never really felt like a mother. She would make ready meals - like a box of chinese starters in the oven, and she would give that to me as a meal. Ridiculous. I found her to be incredibly incompetent, like she didn't understand what life is about, had no opinion, had nothing to say. She made me feel unsafe. She only had two interests - her religion and lots and lots of medical symptoms. At the age of 18, she had a legitimate medical problem - she lost her eyesight, but has some hazy visibility left. She just got more and more out of hand after this - totally depending on me to sort out everything and anything. She was always messy and unorganised, everything was chaos growing up, but she really started hoarding and it was difficult to move in the house as she just had so much stuff and refused to maintain any cleaning we did or listen to anything I said. She was like a child, totally handing over her whole life to me to sort out.
Anyway, I managed to do quite well I guess at school and went to medical school. I'm now working as a doctor. I cleaned up my mums house properly, and she literally relies on me for all her paperwork/decisions. I moved out and rent a room about 15 mins away in another families house as I can't bear to live with my mother even though I go around often to sort things out. There is always some kind of crisis going on with her.
I'm 29, going to be 30 soon and I am just so unhappy. I feel so preoccupied with my past, and how unhappy I feel about it. I hate my mother, I don't get along with her and get so angry with her after a couple of minutes in her company. I feel so lonely. My brother is abroad and not that interested, it suits him that I am here and taking care of everything to do with my mum. I have no other family in this country, and the family in other countries are not that close. I know lots of people, but don't feel close to anyone and feel so isolated. I can spend whole weekends in, without leaving the house. I find friendships difficult to be honest. I am overweight, and struggle with overeating.
I am in psychoanalysis which is therapy 5 times a week - so I have had an opportunity to talk about this stuff a lot. But I don't really feel I am going anywhere - I go on and on about all this stuff, but that's about it. I can easily get upset about my past once I start talking. If i'm honest - I just feel so deprived, like I've had a really bad time and I wish I had a more normal upbringing with two parents and without all the stress and hassle. I hate my past, my history. I hate my mother as I feel she inflicted this all on me. I can't seem to accept my past. Sometimes I lie to people as I worry they will look down on me, and through lying I can create myself to be anybody. I've stopped most of that now though. I ruin my now by ruminating about my past and feeling low, and avoiding life. I hate being overweight, but don't seem to be able to stick with any attempts to change this around.
I know that was long - but can I get an honest opinion people? Am I over thinking? Do i just need to accept my past? Am i being unreasonable? Some people would say I am in a good situation now - I am working in a good job, and independent in some ways. I can't believe I am almost 30 and still feel so stuck. I never imagined my life would turn out this way. How do I get out of this situation? What do I need to change in my thinking to change things around? I give advice to so many people, but I don't know what to tell myself... I just want an opinion from people who don't know me in person, an honest frank one please....