Could someone give me an honest opinion?

Okay... here goes. I am really just looking for an honest opinion. I just want to tell someone my story, and ask for an honest opinion on where I am going wrong. I know people can't tell me what to do, but I just need someone to tell me straight.... Am I thinking about my situation in a wrong/unhelpful way? How can I get out of this rut? Any comments would be appreciated, even negative ones really.

I was born to my parents in the early 80's. Quite soon after this, they went through some turmoil - my dads successful business folded after a business partner played foul, and my mum started to express a wish to convert religion to become a jehovahs witness. My father was an alcoholic, gambler and was violent to my mum (which I witnessed). There were a lot of debtors seeking payment and trying to make claim on the marital house. Anyway, it all ended in my mum seeking a legal separation as my father was beating her and making her generally scared (secondary to her wanting to convert religion which he was wholly against). My father took myself and my brother to another country without telling my mum, and she had to go through the high court to get us back (it took about 6 weeks). Eventually, he left the country as the debtors were pursuing him unrelentlessly. The debts were secured on our house as he had vanished, and my mother always reminded us that we could be out on the road/homeless at any time - I felt really insecure. By this point my mum had left her previous religion and community/friends, and was fully and single mindedly involved in her new religion as a jehovahs witness. I was about 3-4 years old. She didn't work, and received benefits and some help from my uncle (her brother). I was aware of feeling very poor and also that we were being helped out of pity. I went to school, was bullied, and was overweight from the age as young as 4. My mother made us lie to our father that we were not involved with the jehovahs witnesses, as a condition of her having custody of us was that she did not bring us up in that faith/introduce it to us until the age of 18. She would take us to all the meetings and actively encourage our involvement, but tell us to lie about it. All of her family thought she was silly for converting, and I personally felt very judged and down and out.
At the age of about 8 we started going to visit our father who was now living abroad, in the summer for about 5 weeks each year - it was mixed, he was nice but also still an alcoholic/overtly emotional and had a really bad/violent temper. I started having some medical problems - a skin condition over my body, and was diagnosed with diabetes at age 12. Anyway, I muddled through. My brother moved to another country when I was aged 15. At age 17, my dad died under circumstances we still don't know about, in a country we didn't even realise he had gone to. His family ignored us and wouldn't tell us the exact details of what happened or how he had got to that country (by this point he had alcohol related dementia, and his family didn't want to look after him). My mum always thought something sinister happened, but a death certificate we eventually got said he had a heart attack. We still don't know what to think.
I have never got on with my mum - I just feel no warmth or love from her. She never cooked and cleaned the home, she never really felt like a mother. She would make ready meals - like a box of chinese starters in the oven, and she would give that to me as a meal. Ridiculous. I found her to be incredibly incompetent, like she didn't understand what life is about, had no opinion, had nothing to say. She made me feel unsafe. She only had two interests - her religion and lots and lots of medical symptoms. At the age of 18, she had a legitimate medical problem - she lost her eyesight, but has some hazy visibility left. She just got more and more out of hand after this - totally depending on me to sort out everything and anything. She was always messy and unorganised, everything was chaos growing up, but she really started hoarding and it was difficult to move in the house as she just had so much stuff and refused to maintain any cleaning we did or listen to anything I said. She was like a child, totally handing over her whole life to me to sort out.
Anyway, I managed to do quite well I guess at school and went to medical school. I'm now working as a doctor. I cleaned up my mums house properly, and she literally relies on me for all her paperwork/decisions. I moved out and rent a room about 15 mins away in another families house as I can't bear to live with my mother even though I go around often to sort things out. There is always some kind of crisis going on with her.

I'm 29, going to be 30 soon and I am just so unhappy. I feel so preoccupied with my past, and how unhappy I feel about it. I hate my mother, I don't get along with her and get so angry with her after a couple of minutes in her company. I feel so lonely. My brother is abroad and not that interested, it suits him that I am here and taking care of everything to do with my mum. I have no other family in this country, and the family in other countries are not that close. I know lots of people, but don't feel close to anyone and feel so isolated. I can spend whole weekends in, without leaving the house. I find friendships difficult to be honest. I am overweight, and struggle with overeating.
I am in psychoanalysis which is therapy 5 times a week - so I have had an opportunity to talk about this stuff a lot. But I don't really feel I am going anywhere - I go on and on about all this stuff, but that's about it. I can easily get upset about my past once I start talking. If i'm honest - I just feel so deprived, like I've had a really bad time and I wish I had a more normal upbringing with two parents and without all the stress and hassle. I hate my past, my history. I hate my mother as I feel she inflicted this all on me. I can't seem to accept my past. Sometimes I lie to people as I worry they will look down on me, and through lying I can create myself to be anybody. I've stopped most of that now though. I ruin my now by ruminating about my past and feeling low, and avoiding life. I hate being overweight, but don't seem to be able to stick with any attempts to change this around.

I know that was long - but can I get an honest opinion people? Am I over thinking? Do i just need to accept my past? Am i being unreasonable? Some people would say I am in a good situation now - I am working in a good job, and independent in some ways. I can't believe I am almost 30 and still feel so stuck. I never imagined my life would turn out this way. How do I get out of this situation? What do I need to change in my thinking to change things around? I give advice to so many people, but I don't know what to tell myself... I just want an opinion from people who don't know me in person, an honest frank one please....

It's good that you're in therapy, but if you feel that you've come to a point in it where you're stuck, then you need to bring this fact out into the open and speak about it to your therapist. It seems as if you've probably covered a lot of ground regarding your past, and that you may now need to find ways in which you can begin to look forward, utilising what you have in the present, building upon that, and finding ways in which you can rebuild your shattered self esteem.

I'm sorry that your childhood was so difficult and painful, and that your parents didn't give you the opportunities to truly believe in yourself, and truly love yourself. The aim of good therapy is to enable a person to seek self esteem from WITHIN, without the need for external validation. When a child has a loving and secure upbringing, with validation and approval from his/her parents, they learn at some point to internalise that sense of validation, and to feel truly secure within themselves. You were denied that opportunity, and perhaps on some level you are still searching for the love and security you were denied. You had to grow up before your time, and be a parent to your own mother. You didn't receive the nurturing that a child needs. Perhaps, by working with your therapist SPECIFICALLY on your self esteem, and the potential goodness in your life that can be utilised and built up upon, you may find ways in which you can nurture your inner child.

I am in psychoanalysis which is therapy 5 times a week - so I have had an opportunity to talk about this stuff a lot. But I don't really feel I am going anywhere - I go on and on about all this stuff, but that's about it.

As I said before, you really need to address with your therapist the fact that you feel that this has become rather circular. If you feel that your therapist isn't listening to you, and that he/she is reluctant to work with you on self esteem/self love issues, with a view to moving forward, then perhaps you could find another therapist who would be more amenable? Working on the past is important in therapy, in order to find out specifically how childhood patterns impact upon the present, but there should be a cathartic effect, and a sense of being able to move forward with empowerment. If you have been with this therapist for some time, and things haven't changed, then you may need to find another therapist. If you have only recently begun therapy, then you may need to be patient, as healing and catharsis can take some time to develop, and this, conversely, can sometimes be painful initially as old wounds are reopened. How long have you been with this therapist?

*catch* got u lucy... long one no doubt about it... but read word ver verd...

later gator...

If you like where your future is going it is easier to accept your past. With acceptance comes forgiveness and a sense of appreciation for that which makes you unique. Currently you are unhappy with certain aspects of your life, but eventually you will come to terms on an effective solution for these conflicts. I feel like once you are secure with yourself and what you are looking forward to accomplishing you will feel much better. The beauty of adulthood is we have more control than we had during childhood. You make your own decisions on everything from what you wear to who you want in your life. In essence you're in control of your own destiny and your own happiness. You can not wait around for happiness you have to make it happen. Sometimes it's as simple as changing the way you think. Try and refocus your negative energy surrounding your development into something productive now; for example, appreciate what you have now that you always wanted or didn't have at a younger age. Take it easier on yourself. During therapy try and discuss exercises that will help you to re channel your thinking methods.
Approach your problems with logic by separating emotions. Identify what it is about your past that is so threatening to your psychological health now. Is it that you're worried you will make the same mistakes or that you will end up being just like your mom? These things are preventable. Everything is going to work out!

Thank you masquerade and circletakessquare - I have been thinking long and hard about what you both said.
I guess the problem is that I am not happy at all in the present. I feel like the only thing I supposedly have going for me is my job really.

Apart from that, I don't really feel all that great about myself. This is how I feel: I am too overweight. No one wants to have a relationship with me. Even years ago when I was happier and bubbly, I still felt ignored when it came to romantic relationships. I've begun to hate myself, because of being overweight and not favoured/ignored. I have friends but all we do is talk about problems - I am quite an understanding listening nicey type person and end up listening to a lot of people. I've run out of things to say for/about myself - I don't have too many chaotic problems like I did when my mum was rampant with problems, and life is quite stable in a nice but also boring way. I spend a lot of time alone on the evenings and weekends. I never used to think this before, but the highlight of my day is eating.

I guess I get upset at my past because I can find no company in my family. I wish I had that fun active family who did things together and appreciated eachother. It's really hard, but I am going to just have to accept I don't have this.

I suppose it is dawning on me that I have control over my life. That realisation gets kinda sidetracked when I feel stuck - stuck with being overweight, or feel stuck thinking I can't seem to make any friends I feel happy with.

The therapy I am in is psychoanalytic. 5 times a week for 50 minutes each session. She doesn't say much, and doesn't respond to direct attempts to discuss things/questions. I sometimes think I'm being left to go round and round in circles until I find my own way out.

I am not sure how to turn this situation around. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to start?