Seriously, what is wrong with me ?

O.K. I know I hate leasing wrong post that are all over the place so I will do my best to keep this as short as possible.

Going back to 14-15 years old I have always 'felt different' - I know know a lot of that is depression, but how much ? There is other stuff going on as well .. and I can not kick this depression no matter what I do.

I have taken about 10 different anti depressants about a decade ago and the only one I found that remotely worked was Zoloft. To be honest I think it was the xanax I was prescribed with it that made me think it was working. I ended up hooked on benzos for well over a decade and finally quit cold turkey April 29th. On top of that much of my past is checkered with drug or alcohol usage to self medicate and rid my feelings of depression / worthlessness. I have not used ANY mood or mind altering substances (except Zoloft and Trazadone) since April 29th.

I am living somewhere that I have to come up with $800 by the end of the month or I am booted, I just left my girlfriend of 2 years .. so I have some natural things that would make anyone depressed but with me it is extreme.

I feel hopeless, I wake up and go back to bed for 2-3 hours daily, I am not able to concentrate on things, I feel 'spacey' for periods of time, Ambition is entirely gone, I have no feelings or emotions, the list goes on for depression symptoms. I have tried various meds in the past and they never worked - I honestly feel like if I could throw in the towel and just give up I would. I am to the point when I wake up and all I want is for the day to go away. I am literally sick of living.

The things that are the worse :

1) I always ran businesses in the past. I now have absolutely no ability to focus, no passion, no desire, and no hope. I have bankrupted multiple businesses sine my first business that was very successful. This further demoralizes me.

2) When consuming caffeine especially I have extreme periods of paranoia. In a weird way I think I seek this out by consuming large amounts of caffeine. My depression doesn't disappear but I get heightened feelings of paranoia like someone is watching me - and I think it is at least a strong emotion I feel .. so I seek it out, most the time I don't feel anything.

3) I feel no love towards my family. I don't even feel love towards my daughter.

Being unable to tackle this my life is miserable. I can't go to the doctor because I am broke. The free clinic takes 2 months to get into and even then I can't afford any new meds if they gave them to me.

I am crushed and want to give up. The only positive thing I can say is after about 5-6 weeks of extreme withdrawal hell from the benzos I have pratically no anxiety (knock on wood) .. But this depression is SO overwhelming. I can't concentrate, my problem solving skills are trash, I have no desire to do absolutely anything, and I am 12 -13 days away from being truly homeless.

I've thought about throwing away my clean time and getting drunk off my ass and telling the hospital I am going to kill myself just so I can get in. Problem is in this small town they don't even have a psych ward and all they do is literally "hold" you for 48 hours. I know because people in AA who have been through the same have told me.

I am about as hopeless as it gets - any advice would be appreciated. I often wonder if I am partially BiPolar or Paranoid Schizo. I really don't know how much of this $#%^ is depression versus other stuff since the depression never goes away long enough to be able to tell.

A few thoughts:
- you seem to have treatment-resistant depression with mild psychotic features
- did you try antipsychotics? (they are prescribed for various mental conditions offlabel)
- the best antipsychotics which treat depression better than antidepressants are amisulpride and sulpiride at low doses (higher doses suppress psychosis)
- the second choice for you would be aripiprazole (it normalizes dopamine throughout the entire brain)

Good luck with your financial situation. I'm affraid I can't help you with that. Maybe you could get yourself hospitalized for a while?

Thanks Mirage, I think that might be what I end up doing. I have done some reading since I made this post and also came across POCD which I read up on and I think that fits the bill perfectly. People that know me best say "You over think things" non stop. I always have to find the perfect answer to everything and I obsess about it. I question my sexuality at times. I question my relationships. I question every emotion I have. I question all my thoughts too. It's disturbing.

I think this probably induced my anxiety I had years ago as the strongest fear I had back then, and I remember it well, was "What are people thinking about me"

To the point I avoided people entirely. I am still very anti social and do not let people get close to me. I tend to isolate all the time which further increases the depression.

I do remember taking Seroquel a while back and to be honest I can't remember what kind of an effect it had on me - I remember thinking I was gaining too much weight and it was too expensive, made me sleep more, and quitting because of that. I do not remember what my emotional state was though.

I will look up the stuff on Psychosis. I think the bottom line is I need to get myself committed - I always fear I am going to forget part of my symptoms when talking to them though and they will miss something that points out what the problem is they can help with. Wish they could just scan my brain and give me some meds that will make me 'somewhat normal' all though I am STARTING to accept I will never truly be normal

lanry1978 wrote:I think this probably induced my anxiety I had years ago as the strongest fear I had back then, and I remember it well, was "What are people thinking about me"

Well, I have schizophrenia, and this pretty much describes my condition a few years back. That's how it started. I was terribly anxious, and I was always making up scenarios of people watching my every step, and evaluating me. Then the voices started and it went downhill.

lanry1978 wrote:I do remember taking Seroquel a while back and to be honest I can't remember what kind of an effect it had on me - I remember thinking I was gaining too much weight and it was too expensive, made me sleep more, and quitting because of that. I do not remember what my emotional state was though.

Seroquel is one of the antipsychotics prescribed when doctors don't know which one to use. As with most antipsychotics, it induces weight gain and sedation. The antipsychotics I mentioned are rather specific, and they do not cause weight gain or too much sedation.

lanry1978 wrote:I always fear I am going to forget part of my symptoms when talking to them though and they will miss something that points out what the problem is they can help with.

In my experience, it doesn't matter much what you tell them. If they think you have psychotic symptoms, they will not perform any tests, and put you on their favourite antipsychotic without even thinking about it. It's best to get yourself educated on the subject, and tell them what to do. I've been doing that for years. Often, they will not comply, but you can always try a different doctor. In the end, it's all about trial and error, so you have to keep trying stuff. There are no miracle drugs.

lanry1978 wrote:Wish they could just scan my brain and give me some meds that will make me 'somewhat normal'

If you are hospitalized in a good hospital, they will perform EEG, CAT Scan, and especially psychological evaluation. That can eliminate some obvious causes of your illness. There still is no way to diagnose you using some simple brain scan, but it's coming.