Hello, i'm writing this because i'm in need of some advice. I would like to know what people think of my situation.
i'll introduce myself i'm 21 and i'm straight male with a girlfriend, I'm due to start university in September,and uptil recently was really loving life.
alert- i don't mean to offend anyone so please don't be offended by anything you read.
i've never questioned my sexuality not even once, i've never had any thoughts towards men, but recently i had a dream about a guy who i went to college with. in the dream i walked into the room and he was like 'okay then' 'lets do this' and he was trying to imply oral sex towards me. but in my dream i think i was getting him confused a little with my girlfriend as i was like 'after this whole time we've been together i've only just realised that we are both males' 'but that's wrong' then i woke up. I felt a bit weird for dreaming that but thought nothing of it, i've never really had a lot of sexual experiences with my girlfriend as she doesn't want to, i'm a virgin and so is she but that is fine for me, we have tried some foreplay and stuff but thats about it. i'm fine with that (if that makes any diffence to this entry). but yeah i thought that dream was weird but, but that was it. about 3-4 weeks later i went out with my friends to a bar, and while i was there some guy asked me if i was gay. i replied with 'no' and he was like 'oh fair enough' then i thought nothing of it. i went back to sleep that night and i dreamt about another guy that i know. I dreamt we was hugging and he told me he loves me, i was like well i'm sorry but i love my girlfriend and then i went straight to my girlfriend who was just up the road in that dream. Then after that i was like what i've had 2 dreams about males and i starting thinking, what if i was gay. and this thought just went around and around in my head for ages. I haven't even thought of any males in a sexual way in my life, so i have no idea why my brain took these events so badly but it did. Anyway that thought was going around and around all night it was the only thing i could think of and i just couldn't sleep for thinking. The reason that it was hard to get this out my head was that i didn't want it to be true as i've never thought about men like that, and i really don't want to.
i finally got an hour of sleep before i had to go to work, the first thing i thought of when i woke up was the what the 'what if i'm gay thought' and my head felt like it was going to explode. i just couldn't think of anything else all day and i mean all day. i was looking at guys trying to see if i found them attractive. The head ache got some bad i decided to take some tablets, but they didn't really do much. I went to get something to eat that day and i just couldn't eat. i went home that day and i was so worried, that i told my mum . to cut a long story short, my head is still aching mostly all day everyday since then, which is 4 days. Each of these 4 days, most if not all of my thinking has been about it, it can't seem to shift, these unwanted thoughts/worries. its really been making my life hell each day of these 4 days i have hardly eaten. it's really making my life not worth living, i'd rather be asleep, so i don't have to suffer the whole day.
The thoughts are making me look at every men i see and see if i find them attractive and the same with females to make sure i still find them attractive, its literally all i think about atm. I have no problem with people who are gay or bi, but for me personally i don't want that kind of relationship. I'm sure if i was gay or bi, the thoughts would seem natural and not intrusive and wouldn't make my head hurt as much as it does. but i have read about HOCD and it does seem like i could have that, but i seriously never looked at man in my whole life in a sexual way and if i was gay i would have know it or felt different, but i never have. i've been turned on by woman my whole life.
like i said it really in ruining my life, i don't want to have these thoughts and i would rather be on my own than with someone of the same sex. my head is killing all the time and i'm hardly eating and its all i can think about. If i was truly bi or gay the thoughts most definitely would feel natural and not intrusive. Furthermore as i talked about it with my mum, to which she says she wouldn't mind either way, it would have made me happier, but it doesn't because i don't think its true nor do i want it to be. But the thoughts are killing my head, its not me and i want to be back to my normal self.
Do you people think this could be HOCD? what should i do? i'm starting uni soon and will be leaving home, how can i deal with living on my own along with how i feel, and the head pain?. i really don't think i'm gay or bi because surely i would have known in some way. but i never have or never want to be.
again i don't mean to offend people at all because that really isn't what i was trying to do, if people are gay or bi i'm totally fine with it if that's for them. But for me personally it isn't, and if it was i wouldn't be in all this pain. oh i forgot to mention that i've been really happy with my girlfriend and my life has felt the best it'd ever been and i've never questioned that, all the time i spent with her was amazing, but recently she hasn't seem interested in me, but am with her very much so. which caused argument by me asking why she isn't that interested as much anymore ( which i think could be to do with her ex and her getting hurt, but that's a different story) i just thought i'd mention that to give you some more information about me,
any help or anything would be nice because, losing weight from not eating is a bonus, but in all seriousness this need to be fixed.