Can't restore old friendships, Can't make new friends.

Thank you so much to anybody that reads this and can provide me with any level of insight. I have posted my story on numerous forums and so far haven't received a proper answer to help me find my way.

I am currently 19 years old. Growing up, I didn't have many friends except my two best friends that I've known since my early childhood. For the sake of this conversation, let's just call these two friends "Ray", and "Ken."

My two best friends, "Ray" & "Ken", aren't in my life anymore and it truly saddens me. I had a special connection with both of them. We all had a very similar sense of humor, we knew everything about one another, we had similar interests, but in the end it all fell apart. I stopped talked to both of them for the following reasons.

Ray & I were incredibly close growing up. We knew each other for 8 years. 2011 came around, and he just began to ignore me for no particular reason, and isolate himself. I kept trying to contact him, invite him to hang out, but it was futile. He just didn't want to socialize anymore. He just became depressed, or bitter or something. I felt like I had no choices left. He simply didn't care about anything any longer so I just gave up on him and I just stopped caring as well. I used to talk to him on the phone every single day, and I used to see him weekly, but all of a sudden he just shut me out just like that, as if I was a nobody to him. He told me he wanted to be alone, and I gave him space and waited over a year, and I saw him now and then, but he just eventually stopped talking to me completely..

My second best friend, Ken. I knew him for 8 years as well. He was always a huge part of my life, but as the years progressed, he grew less and less reliable, and started to devalue our friendship. He would stop talking to me, he would stop calling, barely wanted to hang out, and overall didn't seem to really want to be around my life because he had other friends so he didn't really care about what we had. Everytime I tried to make plans with Ken, he would make excuses and say there was nothing to do and that my house was boring, etc, lame excuses. I used to spend so much time with him growing up, and all of a sudden he just didn't want to do anything with me.

So as you can see, both friendships ended almost the same way. Both of my best friends just stopped caring. They began to devalue my friendship, up to the point where they just wouldn't call me or talk to me for months. And it wasn't because of anything I did. I was always there for them. I was always a wonderful companion, but they didn't value my friendship.

I knew both of my best friends since my early childhood. We grew up together, grew up developing similar interests, similar personalities, etc. How am I supposed to find that in a new person? There is no way. Me and my best friends have a long history and being able to replace that just doesn't seem possible at all. How am I supposed to meet somebody like them? I just can't meet new people. Everytime I meet a new person, I realize how different they are from my best friends.

Like I said, my two best friends and I were very similar. But finding that similarity in a person in real life just doesn't seem possible at this point in my life. I mean, I'm already 19. I have a job, I am constantly social at my job, but nobody clicks with me. Or rather, I can't click with anybody. I just feel too detached from society.

The last time I spoke to one of my former best friends was two months ago. I contacted Ken and asked him if he wanted to make plans. Going in, I knew what to expect. He was going to make some kind of excuse as always, and sure enough, he did. At that point, I had it with him. I realized that it's over for good. That there is truly nothing left so salvage. I just can't keep that kind of person in my life. Somebody who can't be there for me and make a simple plan with me. Everytime he approached me and asked me to meet up, I would always be there. But he rather stay home and play his video games all day and forget about me. People just don't care anymore. And now I am screwed. I can't restore my old friendships, and I can't seem to make new ones. So where do I go from here?

I have been stuck in this position for the last two years. Ever since my friendships started to worsen with my former best friends, I have been so misguided and on my own. I have no girlfriend. I have good friends on the internet, but I can't physically see or spend time with them, and my former best friends don't care about me anymore. So whichever way you look at it, I am just boxed in and desperately hoping to find my way out of this.

I just don't know if I will ever be able to "make friends" ever again like a normal person. I feel like a stranger to the entire world. I mean, I just feel truly pathetic at this point. My only friends that I have are my online friends. What does that say about me? I just feel so ashamed. I am missing out on life and I feel like there is nothing I can do about it. I have nobody to rely on. Nobody to really turn too except the internet. It's just so depressing. I have lost control of everything. If only I could find a girlfriend, I wouldn't have these worries anymore.. I would just simply devote my time to her and I wouldn't have these stupid problems plaguing my life. I just want to go back to my old best friends.


I am just really desperate for guidance... I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm tired of pacing around back and forth in my room all the time as if I'm locked inside a prison cell. I don't know what to do with myself at all. If I go outside, I have nowhere to go, and nobody to really see. I can't really make plans with anybody, and I am just boxed in from every angle. What am I to do at this point in my life? I am just overwhelmed by the darkness and no matter what I do, nothing is helping.

Dear Redbull:

I can only give you advice from my experience and then, if you wish -- you can accept it as you desire. We humans and in fact, all living matter, change and evolve everyday day. Things that were yesterday may not be the same for the future and may not be harmonious for today. Therefore, we can only live in the present. I personally do not wish to use the word "friendship" because it gives the other person a sense of obligation to the relationship if not to them then, in my own mind. I can think of two examples: one when I was your age and one just recently.

When I was in my 20's a friend of mine called me on the phone. As I was talking I was also typing on the computer. My "friend" and I did everything together. Where ever I went my friend was right with me. But on this particular day, she was offended that I was typing on the computer and she felt that I was not listening to her and so, from that day forward, we never hung out anymore! Sounds pretty dumb now in this age of electronics, but I kid you not, true story.

More recently, I thought I had a few good friends. I was "Johnny - on - the - spot for them whenever they called and needed a ride somewhere. If they needed money I gave it to them. etc. You know, all the things that a good "friend" does, right? Well, my car broke down and it was going to cost more to fix than it was worth so I gave up my car because I had "friends" I could count on. I called one friend and asked them to let me borrow money, they did not have any. Okay understandable. They had a car so I asked if they could give me a ride around town, they came up with excuses. I called another friend and asked them if I could borrow money, "No", Okay, understandable. Since they had a car could they give me a ride to work, etc. "no". I even offered to pay for gas. I called someone else and got the same story.

When I was in my early 20's, what my friend did to me was very hurtful and I missed her for quite some time but as with everything, time heals all wounds and I got over my "friendship" although I did not understand what the heck was happening at the time.

More recently, when none of my so called "friends" came to my aid, I was not hurt because it was an eye opener for me. 1). I have got to stop "expecting" people to treat me the way I would want to be treated. This is what we do when we put the label "friend" on an individual. We expect them to be there for for us when we need them because we are good "friends". 2). No one ever really has "friends" but we have "companions in the moment". By this comment I mean that we need to appreciate the good times and the bad times that people share with us at that time that we needed them most. It doesn't have to be people we know and hung out with. It can be strangers in our lives that came to help us or show us kindness when we needed it most. A "companion in the moment" are all around you and with companions who needs friends! So, Redbull, look around you and relax you have lots of companions. If you feel better calling them friends, by all means call them friends but you will have friends at the least expected times in the least expected places because yesterday was yesterday and the future has not happened yet. Every day of your life, you have the gift of "friends" but you are not seeing them as friends. Yet, in our hour of need, relationships, love and friendship happens in the moment. I have a car now and I am fine; did I get help from my expected "friends"? No, I got help from my "universal friends". Total strangers around me. --- So now, I feel better having "companions in the moment" and disowning the word "friendship". For me, this does away with the sense of obligation the word friend has and hence, no hurt feelings on anyone's part, not theirs and not mine.

Since each day is a new day, you are correct, perhaps you can not restore old "friendships" but it does not mean you can not make new friends. Making a statement like this will put you in the frame of mind that you CAN'T make friends and therefore, you won't. But on our journey we call life we have friends everyday. Some friends embark on a new path and some friends meet us for the first time. We always have friends when we need them. Just be open to the fact that your friend may be a complete stranger. Live in the moment for this is all one can do.

Redbull, you can not be responsible for your friends feelings. Each individual must be responsible for their own lives. If you have tried to reach out and your friends still feel depressed or they want to be alone, this is their responsibility NOT yours. And if it is meant to be, they will come back to you. Take a step back and relax, you will see. Not too long ago I got an email from my friend who I was close to in my 20's. The subject read: "Missing You". You see Redbull, life is a journey and at times there are forks in the road and we go down different paths. If it is meant to be, we will meet up again down the road. In the meantime, we have lots of "friends" on the road of life. Seize the moments and enjoy them! ( Some moments turn into years and some years, turn into lifetimes. First, embrace the moment and let it evolve. )

You are a very young man, and I am sure you are a fine young man. This situation you find yourself in now may be a bit discouraging to you but try to think of the word "friend" differently than you have been led and taught and perhaps conditioned to believe the word to mean and you will find that you have friends all around you!

As far as a girlfriend goes, you will find her when the time is right. I know how you feel in this moment. It is okay to feel this way, but it is destructive to yourself if you continue to feel this way. Make plans to get out of the house ( BY YOURSELF ) when you feel depressed this will make you feel better and you are less likely to have destructive behaviors like turning to alcohol or drugs. From experience, do not drink when you are depressed. I am assuming you do not because you are too young but a lot of people do and It is not good to be alone too long when you feel down. I wrote a poem once when I was feeling like you are now. The person I wrote the poem about then, my husband, is my best "companion" today, even though we are no longer husband and wife we still are "soul mates".

GOODBYE

For all the hours
we spent together
I hate to say goodbye.

For all the laughs
we shared together
I hate to say goodbye.

Goodbye my friend
I hope to hear from you again.
I'll be here for you always
to lend you a helping hand.

For all the advice
you've given me.
I hate to say goodbye.

For all the truths
you let me see
I hate to say goodbye.

Goodbye my love.
I hate to say goodbye.
I hope to hear from you again
sometime my friend.
But for now we must say goodbye.

We wipe the tears from each others eyes
as we say--goodbye.

Cheer up (( hugs )) and a (( smile ))

Hi Redbull,

I lost "all" my childhood friends but one, and I maybe see him 3 or 4 times a year. And of all the people I went to school with in my late teens, I have only recently begun to hang a bit out with one of them, the rest of the people I knew, I never see. They stopped making contact when I got ill.
Sometimes I see some of the people I met at the university, but that's partially because I met my now husband there, and the people are his friends too. All in all I have two semi-close friend besides my husband, who is my only close friend.
My point is that it is not unusual to loose friends as life progresses.
I think that it is important not to look for the exact same things in new people you meet, as those you had in your old friends, as it is an almost impossible task.
Instead you should see a person you meet as someone who could bring interesting new things and views into your life.
If you want to meet people, who share your interests, maybe you could take courses that revolve around these interests. That is a great way to meet people. I personally am very interested in football, so I go to every home game with my local team.
But getting a close friendship with someone is -for me- a very long process, which can take years. But having acquaintances is a good foundation to build upon.

I really hope, that some of this will help you. Also, don't loose hope, you are still very young and have a lifetime ahead of you to meet people. And remember; close friendships don't form overnight, so be open when you meet a person even if he/she shares no resemblance to the friends you had, as he/she could be the very one, you are looking for.

Best thoughts,
Naja

Hi, Redbull!

I am a little bit older than you, I just turned 24. Last year, I moved to a new town in a different state. The only person I knew was my husband. All of my friends and family were very far away. There are two ways I have made new friends with similar interests. Maybe this will help you.

The first way I met people was by visiting the local coffee shop. I don't know much about your personality, but many people around our age will go to the coffee shop to work on schoolwork or other projects. I really had to put myself out there, but I eventually found the nerve to approach other people at the shop and strike up a conversation.

The other way I have made friends is through a website called http://www.meetup.com. It's a social networking site for doing things irl. You can find groups people have formed around similar interests. These groups all have events where they meet in public and you can join in and participate with people in your area who like the same things you do. I've been very fortunate to have found this site. I have a friend from college who lives elsewhere who had great success with this site, too.

The other suggestion would be to find a class you can take, be it an exercise class, art class, cooking class, etc. Find a class that interests you, and it will lead you to other people who have a common interest.

The hard part is initiating invitations to hang out once you've been introduced to people. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone, and you will grow and make new friends. You'll be proud of what you've done! Best of luck.

RagingQuiet wrote:Hi, Redbull!

I am a little bit older than you, I just turned 24. Last year, I moved to a new town in a different state. The only person I knew was my husband. All of my friends and family were very far away. There are two ways I have made new friends with similar interests. Maybe this will help you.

The first way I met people was by visiting the local coffee shop. I don't know much about your personality, but many people around our age will go to the coffee shop to work on schoolwork or other projects. I really had to put myself out there, but I eventually found the nerve to approach other people at the shop and strike up a conversation.

The other way I have made friends is through a website called http://www.meetup.com. It's a social networking site for doing things irl. You can find groups people have formed around similar interests. These groups all have events where they meet in public and you can join in and participate with people in your area who like the same things you do. I've been very fortunate to have found this site. I have a friend from college who lives elsewhere who had great success with this site, too.

The other suggestion would be to find a class you can take, be it an exercise class, art class, cooking class, etc. Find a class that interests you, and it will lead you to other people who have a common interest.

The hard part is initiating invitations to hang out once you've been introduced to people. Put yourself outside of your comfort zone, and you will grow and make new friends. You'll be proud of what you've done! Best of luck.

Thank you for your response, much appreciated. Well, the problem with me is. Basically, I know how to make friends, but I'm not really comfortable doing it. I knew my best friends for over 8+ years. It took me years to get to know them. Meeting somebody new, and having to do this process all over again is just way too overwhelming you know? I just don't think it's realistically possible for me to do. I just don't trust anybody. I don't like new people at all. The only people I trust are my former best friends and they are the only ones that I have grown up knowing, and finding somebody completely new and having to do redo this process all over again is just too much for me. ):

For example, I started doing Photography last year, and in the process I made a friend named John. I saw John a few times, we did some photo shoots together, but at the end of the day, I realized there was nothing really there. I couldn't joke around with him the same way I could with my best friends. He didn't have the same interests and outlook as me either, so I just left him as an acquaintance and I moved on.