Id like to be normal again...

Id like to be normal again... What a statement huh...

Ill introduce myself... My name is Timothy.. I am 22, employed at a hospital, going to school for nursing.

Looking back at what I just wrote is the reason why I am writing on this forum in the first place. It's not much but from that small amount of information, it may seem that I am just another individual in this small world who is taking on life head on.

I want to clarify that I've never been to a therapist, I have never sought help. All for the reason that I do not want to be misdiagnosed and given some kind of pill to take every freaking day just to cope..

I am going to try and give a brief short story describing the state of mind I live in.

So, born in 1990 diagnosed with ADHD imagine giving a shot of adrenaline to a 6 year old.. I was unfreakingstoppable, yes that is indeed a word in my little world I live in. Growing up it was really difficult making friends. Once I did manage to make friends I ended up moving schools or being held back! It's not because my parents were military either!! It because they felt I was not ready for what lay ahead of me. So all the friends I had made were gone, so my healthy social life I was establishing vanished. Forced to start all over again I did so time and time again. It got old so I stopped. That's 1 -7th grade. It was at this point that my father was diagnosed with Hep C, he was a drug user and shared.

High school came 10th grade year I was alone, I also forgot to mention that I did always have these two friends that lived down the street from me but they were only friends when they wanted something. The friendship continued all throughout school. Anyways, 11th came up I was making a name for myself through those 2 guys friends that they had, so I never really established any friendships from the ground up. More friends came but quickly went.. Also it was at this point in my life where I drifted further away from my parents, as my father became chair bound and my mother the sole provider for our family emotional support ran thin. I disassociated myself with my dad completely only to walk by his chair just to say "hey". My mother would interject her feelings about my situation but only for me to take them in one ear and out the other. Back to school.

Senior year, I grew a little more secure with age and tried out for the cheerleading team. I made it, the friends were flowing everywhere. Then.... I met a girl.. Now this girl is the baseline right here for my insanity today. Bear in mind In my previous discussion I never mentioned having a girlfriend before. So she was the first. I met a girl, her name was Cassie.. The moment we saw each other supposedly it was love at first sight.. We also found out later we had the same class together.. But she had a boyfriend but quickly left him for me.. I swooped her up, MISTAKE! Should've waited. We dated for 3 years, all the while he was still in the picture. I never knew for sure but I had a gut feeling the whole time but couldn't press it because she also had an abusive family history so she was good at "avoiding conflict".

So during the relationship she breaks up with me a total of 7 times. Her being my first take her back, everytime... Fool... During our relationship I worked in Alaska for 8 months out of the entire relationship. Nearing my second trip towards the end she ends things. I am in Alaska, depression depression depression.. No running water, no electricity, no text messaging, no showers for MILES.. I had to walk 2 miles to charge my phone.. Very primitive..

Note, graduating high school ended all of my friendships I made senior year. I only have 1 friend and he left for the military. 0000000 I did my time made it home, now I eat, sleep, sit around. This is what my life at this very moment consists of. School is out.

So right now I am having mood swings lately where I will wake up one morning, energetic, HAPPY!! That will last till about 1:30 then I am silent, people speak to me but I just nod, I'm not joking when I say i speak no words at all. I'm silent for HOURSSS.. Then some days I'll wake up with a F*** you attitude and have it all day long. That is until I go to work. The moment I step into the hospital its like I put on a totally different face, I'm as compassionate as can be, caring, energetic, eager to learn.. The moment I punch out the pendulum face comes out.. I'm a different person.. I could care less about anything or anyone.. I live on a main highway once I get on that highway its a straight shot home. I kid you not i literally drive double the speed limit without regard to anyone or thing, this is the only time where I feel i become one with myself when I know that my life is on the line.. Call me what you want.. But my mood tells me different..

I have these spells come over me where my words know no bounds.. Mood swings.. depression.. Appetite vanishes days with out eating.. Sometimes I have a feeling come over me where I need to cause great harm to someone or something.. Ive never come close to doing so but the thought, the desire, it still lingers in me all day.. The next day.. I've a different outlook on life.. Motivated, compelled, driven!! Then it's all gone..

I've tried picking up hobbies to entertain myself I acquire the skills needed to optimally perform the hobby then I quit. Over and over and over again.. My only friend to my knowledge is a fish.. He is a buttikoferi tilapia.. Look up a description of him.. Those words are scary..

I do not know who I am anymore.. Sure it may seem that I am on the right path career wise but as of right now that career can go to hell! That is how I feel!!! I've tried self meditation to get myself thinking straight and it doesn't work!!

That is just one side of me.. On a good day I am compassionate, caring, loving! I love to love others! When I had Cassie i felt complete.. I didn't want anything else in this stupid world except for her! Nothing for my birthday, or any holiday! As long as she was by my side I was whole! She's all I needed to have a good day!!!

Shes gone now and all that is left is a slow sink hole.. I feel like I am losing my mind.. When I stand still I feel like the ground before me is literally moving away like wax melts from a candle... I have no friends, no body to talk to.. To care for.. I'm losing my touch with reality it almost seems like.

I don't know how much longer I can stand on my own two feet anymore before I collapse.. I cant sleep at night because I lye awake wondering what life would have been like If I didn't leave her and go to Alaska.. I've not eaten in days... I have work in 3 hours and have not been to sleep in 24.. I have to self medicate or force myself to do things that normal people can do without even thinking about it..

My ADHD is under control I managed that years ago... But I've read that children with this disorder suffer from depression, self esteem and other underlying issues.. WTF is wrong with me? It's total BS everyone around me is getting married, having kids! I want that freaking life! I want to be someone that another person looks up to or depends on!! I want to feel loved! Not by family but by someone I share an emotional bond with mentally, physically, spiritually and so on!

So much for a short story.. For those who made it this far in my pathetic story thanks for being interested.. For those who think oh this whiner... Thanks for contributing.. I was just laying in bed and grabbed my phone to google "i dont know who i am anymore" and this website came up. So I decided to try it out, I took a chance and posted this short story.. I'd love to know if I have a diagnosable problem. But I'd also like to be normal again... Someone.. Help..

Xternal22 wrote: Then.... I met a girl.. Now this girl is the baseline right here for my insanity today. Bear in mind In my previous discussion I never mentioned having a girlfriend before. So she was the first. I met a girl, her name was Cassie.. The moment we saw each other supposedly it was love at first sight.. We also found out later we had the same class together.. But she had a boyfriend but quickly left him for me.. I swooped her up, MISTAKE! Should've waited. We dated for 3 years, all the while he was still in the picture. I never knew for sure but I had a gut feeling the whole time but couldn't press it because she also had an abusive family history so she was good at "avoiding conflict".

Breaking up with someone is difficult. Breaking up with someone 7 times is more like an addiction.
You speak of 2 things here really..
1 is who you are
2 is who Cassie made you think you are

Who we are is defined by the things we value.
You can really learn who you are by focusing on what makes you angry or hurt and then asking why am I angry?

Answers in relation to Cassie might be:
I was angry because she was not loyal - so you value loyalty
I was angry because she lied to me - so you value honesty
I was angry because she was unfair to me - you value fairness
I was angry because I kept allowing her to break these values and I kept going back to her - you value forgiveness
I was angry because I kept giving to her and getting nothing back - you value reciprocation

This is who you are.
If you gave all these things to Cassie and they werent returned to you, then it wasnt you who was faulty or wrong. It was her.

In relationships.....we are never rejected because of something in us. We are rejected because of something in them. You can look at Cassie and say....she didnt really know who she wanted. Which means Cassie didnt really know what she wanted. But it also means Cassie had no idea who she was or what she valued.
If Cassie KNEW she wanted loyalty, honesty, fairness, forgiveness, and reciprocation.....all the good things you provided, then Cassie would have known herself and would have worked to protect these things which also would have protected her. My guess is the other guy treated her like $#%^ and since she didnt know who she was, she felt like maybe she didnt deserve you or something more for herself. You thought she was perfect. She didnt believe that about herself. She didnt think she was good enough....so she went to someone who seemed to her , at least, to be seeing the real her: someone who isnt good enough.

Cassie is lying to herself. But you cant fix that and you cant change Cassie. Only Cassie can change.

The thing is.....everything you gave, all those good things, never lost their value. They were simply not appreciated. Dont you really want someone in your life, who WOULD appreciate them?

Cassie probably gave to you off and on, but overall......I would guess she gave very little. She becomes like a drug then. Something good.....but then when taken away.....u yearn for that good thing back...never getting never getting.....then maybe a crumb. Its not worth it. Cassie will always give crumbs. And you deserve much more.

You sound co-dependent. A bazillion people are. One fix is to continue to LIVE your values.
But the one you may struggle with is to DEMAND your values from others. Meaning that you dont tolerate anyone in your life who doesnt respect your values and you. You are not responsible for fixing Cassie or for making anyone else happy. You are only responsible for you.

Love comes when we are not looking. Focus on you now. Your school....think about where you want to work and what kindof home or life you wish to create for yourself after school. Come up with a plan. You want a home? What kind? Where do you want to live? How big a place do you want? What do you want to do in your free time? What kindof nursing do you want to do? What are your goals there? What about self help? Do some inner work.......there is a lot of information out there on co-dependency. A lot to work on, boundaries, anger, enmeshment, ect...When you begin to pursue what you want....people with similar goals will appear. THOSE are the people you want in your life. Dont go out seeking the Cassies and the user friends. Live for you and someone will appear eventually who has similar values and goals and be more compatible with you.

Cassies loss there. Cuz you sound like a great guy.

Hi Timothy,

Quite a lot of what you have written here today resonates with me. Well done for sharing. The first thing I picked up on though is your statement that:

Xternal22 wrote:I have never sought help. All for the reason that I do not want to be misdiagnosed and given some kind of pill to take every freaking day just to cope

For me this was one of the hardest things to accept. That I had to take this tiny little pill just to be able to be me. I put it off for as long as I could and was adamant that I didn't need help, I was too stubborn. It is fine to try to work through these things on your own, it is what you should do first. But I would try not to put up such a roadblock in your mind about seeking forms of help.

Many of my issues with depression I used to put down for a long time to my relationship with my first girlfriend. We had, like yours, got back together a few times. I think sometimes with your first you are so desperate to believe it is always what it was when you first met them, you always believe you can get back that magical feeling that you had when you first fall for each other. It most cases though, when things go a bit sour, you probably can't. What I accept now is that I have depression. I had for a long time convinced myself that the guilt of how I treated her, how I pushed her away etc was the cause of my depression. What is more likely is that it was a consequence of it and me not seeking help at that point.

I empathize with the mood swings you are having. Before I was on medication and actively trying to manage my depression I would wake up not knowing what sort of person I was going to be that day. You have to battle it. You have to force yourself out of your comfort zone a bit and slowly chip away at it. It's hard, and the hardest bit is no-one who hasn't gone through it will truly understand. Try not beat yourself up with things such as "I have to self medicate or force myself to do things that normal people can do without even thinking about it". If you are depressed it is an illness. Someone with Diabetes might have to inject themselves with insulin or avoid certain foods. With depression you might have to take a tablet or force yourself to exercise in a certain way (which helps more than anything else in my opinion). I think the main thing I would say to you is that you are not alone. But you feel it because mental health issues are still such a taboo subject and are seen as making someone less of a person. Keep telling yourself that you are ill, but you can get better!

Sometimes I read forum posts and I see weird reflections. I think that this is a universal thing personally... a test of our patience, our wits, and our struggles.

Like this, for instance. I feel the same way. But I think it's tough. Like ThisEndUp says, don't just see how the other person looks at you. It kind of sucks, but you're only human. And all of this stress she unloads on you isn't quite right. Breaking up a bunch of times isn't what you do when you truly love somebody. But who is to say what is right and what isn't?

I just do what I think is comfortable, and if the other person is not accepting of what I personally feel is comfortable, or if I'm doing it wrong, I kind of try to get away. I don't like it when they are harboring on my insecurity. Life is really nasty and people like that - that use slightly deceptive mechanisms of defense are shying from their own problems.

They don't seem to entrust you enough because you apparently haven't earned their trust enough despite the fact you have been there for her, as her friend and lover so many times and for so long.

The sad thing is she talks to her girlfriends about her break ups and if you dumped her and all of that. So you might have negative repercussions with her friends if they express the attitude that -you- personally break up with her. I am just saying, this can cause confusion. It can really play on your paranoia as well.

So maybe the idea she is breaking up with you so many times a thing to think and act on. Maybe she doesn't want to leave her comfort zone, and the tough thing here is as a true believer of those aspects that you honor... you literally have to let her be. You can't yell about how the stress is getting to you at the same time. @_@ Nausea

Sometimes it's okay to get mad, but just do it somewhere and somehow in a safe way. I think that's the only option if you don't want to deal with psychiatrists, therapy, and all that stuff.

Like beat on a pillow listening to Anthrax, or maybe E.L.O. you know, actually, it's like you're beating up a clown if you listen to early E.L.O on a boombox from the 90's. I don't know why