Xternal22 wrote: Then.... I met a girl.. Now this girl is the baseline right here for my insanity today. Bear in mind In my previous discussion I never mentioned having a girlfriend before. So she was the first. I met a girl, her name was Cassie.. The moment we saw each other supposedly it was love at first sight.. We also found out later we had the same class together.. But she had a boyfriend but quickly left him for me.. I swooped her up, MISTAKE! Should've waited. We dated for 3 years, all the while he was still in the picture. I never knew for sure but I had a gut feeling the whole time but couldn't press it because she also had an abusive family history so she was good at "avoiding conflict".
Breaking up with someone is difficult. Breaking up with someone 7 times is more like an addiction.
You speak of 2 things here really..
1 is who you are
2 is who Cassie made you think you are
Who we are is defined by the things we value.
You can really learn who you are by focusing on what makes you angry or hurt and then asking why am I angry?
Answers in relation to Cassie might be:
I was angry because she was not loyal - so you value loyalty
I was angry because she lied to me - so you value honesty
I was angry because she was unfair to me - you value fairness
I was angry because I kept allowing her to break these values and I kept going back to her - you value forgiveness
I was angry because I kept giving to her and getting nothing back - you value reciprocation
This is who you are.
If you gave all these things to Cassie and they werent returned to you, then it wasnt you who was faulty or wrong. It was her.
In relationships.....we are never rejected because of something in us. We are rejected because of something in them. You can look at Cassie and say....she didnt really know who she wanted. Which means Cassie didnt really know what she wanted. But it also means Cassie had no idea who she was or what she valued.
If Cassie KNEW she wanted loyalty, honesty, fairness, forgiveness, and reciprocation.....all the good things you provided, then Cassie would have known herself and would have worked to protect these things which also would have protected her. My guess is the other guy treated her like $#%^ and since she didnt know who she was, she felt like maybe she didnt deserve you or something more for herself. You thought she was perfect. She didnt believe that about herself. She didnt think she was good enough....so she went to someone who seemed to her , at least, to be seeing the real her: someone who isnt good enough.
Cassie is lying to herself. But you cant fix that and you cant change Cassie. Only Cassie can change.
The thing is.....everything you gave, all those good things, never lost their value. They were simply not appreciated. Dont you really want someone in your life, who WOULD appreciate them?
Cassie probably gave to you off and on, but overall......I would guess she gave very little. She becomes like a drug then. Something good.....but then when taken away.....u yearn for that good thing back...never getting never getting.....then maybe a crumb. Its not worth it. Cassie will always give crumbs. And you deserve much more.
You sound co-dependent. A bazillion people are. One fix is to continue to LIVE your values.
But the one you may struggle with is to DEMAND your values from others. Meaning that you dont tolerate anyone in your life who doesnt respect your values and you. You are not responsible for fixing Cassie or for making anyone else happy. You are only responsible for you.
Love comes when we are not looking. Focus on you now. Your school....think about where you want to work and what kindof home or life you wish to create for yourself after school. Come up with a plan. You want a home? What kind? Where do you want to live? How big a place do you want? What do you want to do in your free time? What kindof nursing do you want to do? What are your goals there? What about self help? Do some inner work.......there is a lot of information out there on co-dependency. A lot to work on, boundaries, anger, enmeshment, ect...When you begin to pursue what you want....people with similar goals will appear. THOSE are the people you want in your life. Dont go out seeking the Cassies and the user friends. Live for you and someone will appear eventually who has similar values and goals and be more compatible with you.
Cassies loss there. Cuz you sound like a great guy.