that familiar downhill slide

I thought that a new location, new people, new school, new lifestyle would be enough. Lose weight, hit the gym, go to class every day, don't smoke/drink/self injure/binge.

Last time I felt this feeling I was headed down a really bad road and didn't really care. I was a depressed shut-in who thought about nothing but death all day and night. The people I lived with, I wanted to tear their guts out in the most painful way possible and it would've been so sweet.

But I didn't. Instead, in a half-conscious state I managed to get myself hospitalized, removed from everything for a bit. In a way it worked in that it shocked my brain into focusing on something outside of myself. I was still out of it for awhile but this year's been good.

No matter what I do, I can't stop it from coming back. This desire within me to utterly destroy someone. I thought that with the meds, I'd be able to stay above this chasm I'm slowly slipping into yet again. It seems regardless of what I do to distance myself from it, there's no escaping these fantasies.

I was clean of cutting for 3 months. Sounds pathetic that was an accomplishment.

Thanks, Ada. I was in a nasty mood when I wrote that. Haven't been able to stop again but it's under control.

I won't see my meds prescriber for another 2 months; it's 2+ hours away. Planning on requesting she help me find someone here. The last actual therapist I tried, I attempted the blank slate honesty approach and got a letter from him the next day claiming that he knew that God had sent me to him so that he could save me from the evil inside me. I'm not exactly interested in finding yet another wackjob to tell my problems to and have yet to see evidence that anything otherwise exists in my price range outside of an institution.

I'm ok for now. Was just a bit manic last time.

Pretty sure I threw the letter away. I don't care what he does but he's obviously not what I'm looking for. He isn't the first therapist to use the whole "God has a plan for us" thing.

Heh, I used to be a regular on these forums. Spent a lot of my time trying to learn how to stop feeling in an attempt to control myself. Not entirely successful because you can't change what's permanent but it was helpful.