No one to talk to

I mean literally NO ONE. The useless psychologist left, my communist colleague was supposed to come back several days ago but she didn't contact me. One could think these ######6 days people can keep in ######6 touch even during holidays but apparently I'm not important enough for anyone. I'm just being ignored by everyone. Everyone betrays my trust although they know I don't trust easily and hate being ignored. This is just perfect. I stopped self-injury some time ago but to my surprise now I feel like starting again because I'm angry with the people who betray me and think I don't speak English. It's like I really lived alone in the woods but it's not me who rejects ######6 people, it's them rejecting me, as always. I regret all the time my suicide attempts failed, it'd be better if I died.

I know how you feel. The paradox of feeling alone, but not literally being alone in that experience of feeling alone. I am with you! Whatever that means to you. I know the experience you are dealing with because I am dealing with it too.
We are on a journey. Dig within yourself to realize who you are, the way I try to. We don't want to die, we want to live.
What are you willing to do and how far are you willing to go to live? Like on (fictional yet inspirational) shows that exemplify these thoughts...Lost, Survivor etc.
I, personally, believe that I am on a more advanced road to self discovery. It doesn't make it easier for me to believe this, but it makes me want to keep going. When all the bs of the world and all the people in it gets muted, there is only me anyway. What do I REALLY feel, WHY do I REALLY want what I want?
It is these moments I think, maybe, I am on the road I led myself to purposefully. The suffering is just a part of the growing. How I handle it is what makes the future for me.
Just remember, as alone as you feel, you are never the ONLY one. There is more to this than you think.
I wish you well and hope you are ok right now.

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. That sucks. You aren't by yourself in those feelings - I think that's why there are so many posts on these boards at so many different times of day/night. We are all searching for things; answers and understanding.

I don't know all that you are going through; but all I know that has helped me, especially feeling everyone is rejecting or avoiding me is to just check on my own outlook. You know - if I showed you a video and said 'one person here is a thief' you would point out characteristics that might make each person look suspicious. If I said "one of these people are responsible for a charity" you might find things about them that make them appear more kind... we do that. Unintentionally.

In any case, all I could ever see was 'proof' of how everyone hated me. While some people are selfish and in their own world, etc.... sometimes I was just almost looking for ways to confirm my theory. When my T(herapist) said "Why don't you come back next week with all the ways others were friendly, nice, kind..." I actually DID find things. Even understanding that they weren't actively trying to screw with me...but that they had a lot going on in their own world...helped.

I have a son who is very reactive at times to situations. Last night he asked for help with dishes and his dad and I were all already busy on our own tasks. He fumed at us and when I got to the bottom of it - he said he felt we were telling him he was unimportant. When we talked through it, he realized 'busy with a previous task' does not equal 'I don't care about your needs'. it was really difficult for him to distinguish though because he was just feeling so crappy about some other stuff. It made Everything else feel worse too...

This is not to say your feelings are not valid!!!! This is only to say, sometimes if we look for good things, we can find them more easily then if someone knocks us over the head with them! Also, doing good for yourself and for others is a way to feel more connected and happy...is there someone else in your world that could use a kind word, some help? Is there something you enjoy doing by yourself that makes you feel good? Puzzle? Jog? Music?

Your feelings matter...and for what it's worth - you aren't alone when you come here.
Take good care! ((safe hugs if wanted!))

I visited the village my grandmother lived in, first time in 13 years, since she died. No one rememebered us, people stared at us as if we were intruders. Everything looked different, the house of my grandmother was redecorated and now doesn't resemble the one from my memories. It was my idea to go back there but it actually made me sad. So she really died and my childhood is really over. It's even more depressing because I'm gonna leave my country, possibly for good and what if my neighbours would forget me as well? Tempus fugit. The girls I've been playing with must have left the village, as all young people, so I'm really alone and die in loneliness.

WHy am I having to communicate through a computer to people half way around the world. Why cant I knock on the door of the nearest house with people and talk to them, or go across the hall and talk to them. I cant, its not safe. The people aren't safe. The human race isn't safe. I never knew that, I never understood it. Yet, it is the way it is.

I have a relationship with God and go to 12 step groups and church all the time. Its a surrogate substitute being alone. In the 12 step system being alone is the enemy.

I don't mean anything to anyone
I have no value to anyone
Its horrible
Its a fight
Its the way it is...
People are beyond my comprehension

Keep fighting for it! Don't give up, your not alone. Keep asking seeking knocking... The Universe will unfold the journey for you.

Thanks for writing today, it kept me from being alone...

I just discovered that 'friend' of mine has internet access, she posted sth on the forum we're both members of, she just didn't contact me. Oh. Well, that's actually quite understandable, why should anyone bother... No, ###$, this is ######6 unfair. why no one cares about my feelings, all of those 'friends' who betrayed me, ignored me, for ###$'s sake, why is it always me who, ###$. I got over the fact that she's a Serbian communist (how can anyone be a communist these days? It's like being a Nazi)- it's a lot, my family lives in Bośnia and Croatia- and this is how she
###$. I'm exploring the depths of human cruelty. Everyone is evil and wants to hurt me. ###$ you, I rather do it myself, I just cut myself, first time in 2 months or so.

I'm sorry to hear that you felt so bad you cut yourself, Lilu, for the first time in two months. I hope you're keeping safe now.

It must seem to you, because you've been through so much, that people just don't care. I know it seems as if everyone is bad at the moment, but there is good in the world, and there are good people. The people who reply to you care about what you're going through, and so do I. For them to care, they must have at least a little bit of good in them. You've reached out by posting on here, so I believe that there's a part of you that has faith in people.

You know, there's a saying "Be the change that you want to see happen". This is very true. We can all effect change, if we really believe that we can. I have found it to be very therapeutic helping people. Helping people has created changes in me. It can start with something very small, by helping someone with their bags for instance. In order to begin to truly appreciate the goodness in people, we all need to see first of all the goodness in ourselves, and then to express it. If you look within, you will see a lot of goodness in yourself. You only have to believe that it's there. By beginning to see the goodness in yourself, you CAN create changes. I promise.

masquerade wrote:I'm sorry to hear that you felt so bad you cut yourself, Lilu, for the first time in two months. I hope you're keeping safe now.

It must seem to you, because you've been through so much, that people just don't care. I know it seems as if everyone is bad at the moment, but there is good in the world, and there are good people. The people who reply to you care about what you're going through, and so do I. For them to care, they must have at least a little bit of good in them. You've reached out by posting on here, so I believe that there's a part of you that has faith in people.

You know, there's a saying "Be the change that you want to see happen". This is very true. We can all effect change, if we really believe that we can. I have found it to be very therapeutic helping people. Helping people has created changes in me. It can start with something very small, by helping someone with their bags for instance. In order to begin to truly appreciate the goodness in people, we all need to see first of all the goodness in ourselves, and then to express it. If you look within, you will see a lot of goodness in yourself. You only have to believe that it's there. By beginning to see the goodness in yourself, you CAN create changes. I promise.

Oh for ###$'s sake, who do you think I am? Of course I help random elderly with their stupid bags, like yesterday and very often I don't hear 'thank you' cos I'm goth, so people from my home town stare and probably consider exorcism (how would they feel knowing I'm a teacher, lol). When someone is giving a presentation, I keep the eye contact with him, nod my head and smile, you know, to make it easier for that person. When I studied, I often lent really important notes to others and explain things cos I was the best student. When I meet someone, I always say their job is interesting, regardless of how boring this job may seem and find positives of it. I am shy and I understand how other shy feel, so I always try to make it easier for them.
Bla bla bla, ######6 #######4, I am what I would expect others to be, yet still I'm all alone and people ignore me.

Yeah...people can sometimes fear or reject what they don't understand. I have a few biker friends. Huge dudes. You know the kind - lots of facial hair, tattoos, loud, some with piercings and strong... I mean it's ridiculous how some of them bodybuild...one guy's arms bigger than my thigh! So they're really intimidating. When I met one I told my friend "That guy looks like he's killed people" and turns out he is the most gentle of the group! He's scared of snakes and shots and is just a big softie... but there are those stereotypes we have to fight. I'm a pretty nice person...but I was still timid and 'assuming' about this guy when I first met him. If I didn't work with him, I probably would have been too scared to get to know him....

It might be that way for you. If you are dressed Goth - it might not be they mean to judge; but might feel awkward because, honestly, there ARE stereotypes out there. I guess, what I think of when I hear Goth is - this person wants to be left alone unless I'm dressed like them too. Where I live, a lot of them are into vampirism where they are really drinking real blood. I'm not saying that's my definition of Goth...I'm sure there is a word for their group...but that just goes to show how even the best intentioned person can be Completely Ignorant...

My own bro is so funny and sweet - when he gets to know you - but he's so grim and his tats (on his neck and hand) and trench coat. . . I think people look at him and think he's on drugs or has a weapon in his pocket. i live in America - and we would classify someone who looks like him as one of those kids who might shoot up a school even though he's a vegan and hates all violence. But others avoid eye contact and even walk faster or cross the street..

Does this help at all? I don't think all people mean to ignore you or avoid...it might be their own self-confidence being low. Or feeling awkward because they are ignorant to what your appearance is meant to convey or how you want to be treated...

That's the great things about these boards..you know, we all just talk to one another like 'just another person'. There's no race, religion, age, sex, dress, nothing to get in the way of communication... we just are who we are.

I hope you will find that freedom here - to just be you and know you are cared about. Sorry I rambled. I just wanted to share/admit that I have been one of those people who avoided someone else based on their appearance because I was feeling too shy/awkard/scared to tell the person "I'm not sure how to take you...but...wanna talk?" So on behalf of all the other wimps like me out there who haven't learned better yet - I'm sorry for the awkward looks, the shunning, and anything else our own insecurities may have made you feel. (I'm MUCH less timid now, btw) Not to the point I'll go randomly hug people..but..you know.

Keep writing us...we do care about you!

I'm not doing anything wrong following my dreams. I don't eat cats, summon devil oranything like this. I never wear make up, I'm short and everybody thinks I'm 14 (while I'm 23). I'm not extreme goth, I have clothes of different colours. I'm certainly not gonna quit. I do dress approprietly when I go to work or visit my family. This is insane, another thing that apparently society can't bear, no one accepts me, for ###$'s sake. ###$ ###$ ###$. And this doesn't explain why people do this online. A communist gave up on me- SHE, like omg, we're almost like a German and a Jew being friends. I mean, we're not friends anymore, as al;ways.