Weirdness

I want to withdraw my last post please.

I see you edited your post... I didn't see what it said... How are you doing?

Im ok, thanks for asking and im going to try to write my story again. My husband has some sort of mental illness and he and his family and friends blame me. He had been sick around 8 years ago and in a hospital. When we first met 4 years ago i liked him but his lack of confidence made me wary. We were on and off for 1.5 years and were friends fr most of that time and then we got together. Soon after we were married and moved to rural Ireland from cenral London where we are both from. I found it hard to live there but got pregnant quickly. We now have a 2 year old. He had a house built in Ireland before we were married with no mortgage so we said we ould try it out and i was really keen.

His mental illness symptoms are:
He cries uncontrollably / shakes / vomits / becomes confused / will sleep a lot / will punch himself in the head / threatens suicide / talks to himself / will talk in another voice pronouncing his words differently / will repeat himself over and over / repeated actions over and over / excessive sweating day and night / doesnt like people coming to the house / will cause an argument if my family visit or stay over from London / doesnt like things to be out of place / controls money, bill payments

The triggers are:
That I want to move back to the UK or if my family come over to visit or if i disagree with anything he says or does.

He once said i was trying to poison him, he gets angry with me and come at me but never hurt me physically. He can become hurt very easily by anything i say. I am always treading on egg shells and always sayng sorry to calm him down. I have lost confidence and self esteem and i often wonder is it my fault? maybe it is. I am sure his side of the story would be a lot different.

We live in a lovely home in Ireland but no friends and family close by. With his illness too I feel especially aone there. He doesnt want to sell the house there and doesnt want to come back to the uk. If he did we could afford a small mortgage in the UK and i think he would be happier as he has some friends and used to be involved in sports clubs, more opportunity for work. The village is completely dead there.

He says I have made hm ill. That I am bringing our daughter away from her home to live in a rabbit hutch, that if i just accepted living there we would all be happier.

I am very confised about what I am doing at the moment. I have finally come back to the UK. I have no money and living with a parent who has her own 'problems'. Any feedback would be good to hear as I am questioning myself every day and scared he might hurt himself there alone. Its really eating me. His family are crap, just blame me. I know some people wll comment how could i leave him when he needs me most but the truth is i am scared of him. I was on the motor way a few months ago with him and mentioned a wedding we had forgotten and he started shaking and smashing his head on the window. An hour later he was chatting away to family. They would have thought i was crazy if i told them what had happened...

It sounds as if for now you need the space for your own sanity. Being with someone with so many psychiatric problems will have also taken its toll on you, and you have your child to think about. If you become ill as a result of all the stress, who would be there for your child and your husband?

It must be awful being so far from him, worrying how he is, and I can imagine that you feel torn at the moment. You did the right thing in making space between you for now, as this will give you the opportunity to think about what your next move should be.

Your local branch of Mind should provide for you some resources for help, support and advice. In the meantime, keeping the lines of communication open between you will help. Please don't feel guilty for any decisions you have made, for your emotional wellbeing is equally important, both for your sake and the sake of your child.

Thank you both for repsonding. I really needed someone elses point of view (someone that doesnt know me to give an unbiased oppinion) and i really appreciate your encouragement masquerade. Like so many people trying to support a loved one with mental illness it can really take its toll and i found myself feeling very confused, scared, guilty and anxious, even doubting my own sanity at times. My next step is to see if he will go into hospital. I hadnt encouraged it before but it is my lst hope for any improvement in him. He has had crisis after crisis in the past few days/weeks/years and it seems to be getting worse with more talk about suicide. Anyway, will see how this goes. Fingers crossed.X

I hope that you can persuade him to go to hospital, if you think this is the best thing for him. You may want to speak to his mental health team, with a view to seeing if they can come up with a care plan for him. If he is considered to be a danger to himself - ie not taking care of himself, refusing to take meds and becoming suicidal, they might actually section him. As alarming as this might sound, it would actually be in his best interests and ensure that he gets the care that he needs.

What you mustn't do is allow yourself to be engulfed with feelings of misplaced guilt. You have done, and are still doing, all that you can to help but at some point there needs to be a boundary for the sake of your own emotional wellbeing. Having therapy for yourself would help you to process your thoughts and feelings, and provide a sounding board for you, because you will need support in this too.

In lots of ways watching a person you're close to suffering from severe psychiatric illness is like a bereavement. There will be a sense of loss for the person he would have been if he had not been ill, and loss for the life you would have had together. Therapy can help you to process this.

Please try to ensure that the quality of YOUR life is as good as it can be in the circumstances. It isn't wrong to seek some enjoyment from life if you can. This would provide a buffer for you, and ensure that you remain well adjusted, with a balanced focus on life. It would also be good for your child too. Finding pleasure in the little things, such as days out for you and your child, and meeting and socialising with people would help you to retain a sense of optimism and adjustment, and help you to retain your sense of identity, which is important. Being a carer can often leave a person feeling that they've lost all sense of self.